Strange Bedfellows

Mad week this week! Mainly been waiting for a certain gang of scumbags down the M62 to slip up and laughing my absolute cock off at another gang of scumbags chasing after a referee shouting “disgwace, disgwace”. Been pretty sick as well so I decided to have a look on the internet while I was off work for something to read as I had fuck all to do apart from sit on the couch watching shit day time telly and do a rather realistic impression of Regan from The Exorcist. As I plodded through the boring, predictable and sometimes tedious world of the Internet, I got reading a rather strange and interesting interview with Audioslave & Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell about how he has recently recorded an R ‘n’ B album with hip hop singer/producer Timberland. Now, I, and everyone else know that collaborations aren’t usually that rare in music, but the ones that are pretty bizarre do leave people (me included) scratching our heads in amazement, this one especially as you wouldn’t really associate Chris Cornell with R & B Music! In the afore mentioned interview Cornell spoke candidly about teaming up with Timberland and was drawing comparisons about what the two have them have done with Dylan in 1966 when he ‘turned electric’. Cornell went onto say he has received many hate mail letters from ardent Soundgarden fans saying stuff like “Dude! R ‘n’ B! What the fuck maaaan”. The fans do sound like a gang of dickheads as its obvious Cornell is spreading his wings as well as his creative boundaries so to speak, but I do feel a certain slight degree of sympathy towards them as it would be like Keith Richards downing tools with Mick & the boys and going on X Factor. Many Stones’ fans around the world would be scratching their heads at that prospect I’m sure. It’s not just Cornell & Timberland who have created this strange musical brew. You only have to look at David Bowie & Bing Crosby to see the most surreal of them all. The video (as well as the song) for Little Drummer Boy, in case you didn’t know, was set in someone’s living room during the festive period as it was released as a Christmas song with Dave & Bing standing in front of someone’s roaring fireplace (just like Tom Hicks doing one of his famous press interviews from home) with Bing holding a glass of sherry while Bowie looked on, pale as a sheet, with half of South America (get it) shovelled up his nose no doubt. It looked like the advert from years ago for Cueantrau with the smooth French fella standing next to the fire place like Michael Caine in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Anyway, the song will always be remembered for the pure surreal feel to it, but the decorations were nice in the living room like, but I thought they could have at least made some ch – ch - ch – ch – changes. Anyway, my point here is obviously not to give you a history lesson of every bizarre duet in the history of popular music as that would be boring as fuck. But my opinion is when these bizarre partnerships do crop up I can’t help but think that the sole purpose for the two musicians in question doing such a thing is that one of them is massive and the other right on the bones of their arse as regards their popularity or albums sales. It’s a musical double edged sword. A win win franchise and, of course, shit loads of money guaranteed no matter what the quality of the music released. So, I’ve had my thinking cap on. This may not be the best of ideas, but, if your reading, why don’t The Zutons get knocking on Amy Winhouse’s door (if she’s up) and arrange a few re-makes of a couple of old classics? Winehouse isn’t writing at the minute as she’s proper on the lash showing her bee stings off to photographers in the Caribbean and The Zutons are doing fuck all apart from the odd spliff I reckon so why not give it a go? They’ve got fuck all left to lose and I’m sure they’re both pretty tired of hangin’ around. Hahaha (that’s the last of the shit jokes, I promise) Another brain wave I had the other days was without doubt the most surreal of partnerships, but perfectly logical if you think about it: The View & Rab C Nesbit. Both Scottish, both drunks, both scruffy fuckers and you can’t understand a single fucking word they are both saying!! Perfect if you ask me, although their shows would have to be limited to north of the border due to keeping their artistic integrity intact (if any presently exists, of course) and the audience having a good idea of what they’re singing about My final collaboration is more of a threesome to be honest (not like that though) which in my opinion should be turned into some sort of short musical film. It consists of Ross Kemp, The Taliban & Razorlight. Debut gig: Helmand Province (‘Hell Aid’, anyone?) Imagine the possibilities? Further more, imagine the carnage that would ensue if some of the tribal leaders got sight of Johnny Borrell’s skin tight white jeans as they burst into the opening bars of Golden Touch? Razorlight would no doubt meet their deaths at the hands of The Taliban and rid this world of their shite bile as Ross Kemp (or is it Russ?) would do his usual trick of shitting his kex and legging it with his camera crew back to his five star hotel! Murder? Action movie blockbuster on the way I reckon Mol