Don't Believe Your Hype

A mate & I were talking in work last week about some mad stuff to do with urban myths and legends. And before you say anything, no, not all Civil Servants are as hard working as me. We were talking about Prince when he allegedly had a few ribs removed in order for him to suck his own tool. We also talked about the alleged story of Jimmy Saville participating in the odd bout of necrophilia so that he could spend some time in the hospital’s morgue he was doing charity work for. (not that I’ve ever witnessed it first hand, but I’m sure the sight of Jimmy Saville’s red tracky bottoms on the floor as his scrawny arse banged away at some corpse’s nether regions does not make a pleasant sight I can tell ye). Anyway, bizarre topics of conversation no doubt you are thinking, but it got me thinking about musicians who create their own ‘legend’ or ‘hype’ to secure their long lasting fame as let’s be honest here: most of them do talk utter fucking shit about themselves! Creating your own hype can sometimes, in a band’s quest towards the holy grail of ‘getting signed’, have half the battle won. Suede did it in the early nineties and Guns n Roses did it in the late eighties. Both bands released superb debut albums and both went onto become extremely influential in the British Indie Music Scene & American Rock scene respectively on the back of a pretty successful hype campaign. Both bands portrayed themselves as low life street urchins who lived on the darker side of the street, and it has to be said created a certain mystique about themselves prior to the release of their debuts. The results = massive sales cementing themselves in the music scene with unquestionable success in the business. Not bad for a band without a released record was it? But, hype doesn’t always work on your side and guarantee success. Does anyone ever remember a band from the mid nineties called Ultrasound? They never really made it big and never released an album, but at the time they had literally every record label in the land queuing up to sign them because of their hype. What I heard of them they were a pretty good band as they did release a few half decent singles. But after all the hoo har they created the cracks began to show in the band and most of the labels chasing after them with their chequebooks waving ferociously in the air began to lose interest and eventually tired of the chase and fucked them off. Ultrasound eventually signed to a tiny Indie label and disappeared off the radar completely (they’re probably working in some back street record shop now ala John Cusack in High Fidelity) either that or working at KFC Other notable ‘Hypesters’ include my favourite: the ever green Johnny Borrell. Ah, dear Johnny, what an utter bell end this daft little fop-haired man really is. I don’t think I’ve ever heard so much self gratifying drivel come out of one person’s mouth in my entire life. Rumour has it that he attempted to do a ‘prince’ and had a few of his lower ribs removed so he can suck his own cock as well!! Sadly Johnny has taken self belief just that bit too far as I (and many other people) think his band are utterly fucking wank!! I’d love to know who the A&R person was who signed him and his band and ask him if he has ever performed oral sex on Johnny! Although he would need to get his white spray on ball squeezers off first! It’s not just the ability to play music that can help the hype side of your band though. There is also the sexual conquests side. Do you often wonder why some many young girls & boys go to pop concerts? The answer is obviously sex appeal. Some women I work with are that obsessed with Take That you’d sometimes think they’re husbands never existed they way they talk. Now, I know their infatuation of the afore mentioned boy band (or are they now classed as a Dad Band?) has nothing to do with their musical ability, but has a lot to do with how wet they can get their thongs in the process of watching one of their videos or going to their concerts! Musicianship is well and truly out the window! The main fact here is that sex sells, and a lot of bands and singers who are not that well experienced between the sheets can sometimes fabricate the truth about their sexual conquests. Julio Double-Glazias once famously claimed to have ploughed three thousand women during the seventies & eighties. I have three words for the Spanish Crooner = My! Fucking! Arse! Justin Timberlake is another culprit of the so called kiss-and-tell singers. He started a rumour amongst the showbiz circuit that he’s got a cock like Roberto Carlos’ left thigh. Next thing you know he’s spotted hanging out the arses of Britney Spears & Cameron Diaz! Result!! Now, I’m not saying Mr Timberlake & Double-Glazias don’t have massive plonkers or haven’t rattled over three thousand birds, but the fact remains their stories have worked because if there is one thing certain about a star struck fan is that they will always be willing to find out if they are given the chance to jump in between the sheets with their favourite singer! At the end of the day they’re not gonna say no are they? Other types of hype bands chose to employ were the bad ass rock star hype. Take The Who for instance and the antics of their fruit-loop drummer Keith Moon. Don’t get me wrong, I used to love reading the stories of him driving his car into swimming pools & throwing home made bombs down hotel rooms bogs, but I just can’t help feel that most of it was bullshit. Of course, I’m pretty sure Moon was a nutcase, but I can’t help thinking that he was some how ‘egged on’ by the band’s management and his band mates in order to create headlines which, In turn, boosted the bands record sales and crowd attendance no doubt? The Stones were also pass maters at creating their own hype. In the sixties they were then managed by a guy called Andrew Loog Oldham. Every day he used to literally phone one of his journalist friends and together they would create a ‘Stones Headline’. EG: “would you let your daughter marry a Rolling Stone”? The Stones exploited the press in such a way many members of the public used to treat them like the great un-washed they portrayed themselves as and they were nearly barred from entering America at one stage because of these stories. Bet they wished they should have toned down the hype just a bit as things could have turned out pretty bad and very different indeed had they weren’t allowed in the states So, if your thinking about starting a new band but want to bypass all the bullshit, song writing, rehearsals and fast track your success, start a few rumours around the local music scene to say you’ve got a cock like a baby’s arm clutching a boiled heart and you’ve had your balls t-bagged by Mylene Klass. After that … the worlds your oyster, mate Mol