Naughtiest, But Nice

Interesting choice the NME chose this week for their Album of the Decade. In case you didn’t know, they voted for ‘Is This It’ by New Yorkers, The Strokes. Personally I think it’s a worthy choice as, as debut’s go, it’s a stunning album. Pretty much every song recognisable guaranteed to raise your spirits. Even though many people (who I asked to take part in this) I know disagree with me, I think The Naughties has been, in general, a pretty decent decade for music. It has seen the world pull itself out of the quagmire that was the grunge scene and brought a new ‘cool’ with a tiny hint of retro to the world of music. Bands like The Strokes, the Vines, Arctic Monkeys, Kings of Leon, The Rakes, The Go! Team and Franz Ferdinand all emerged from the rubble of the small Indie labels to take over the charts and put Indie music firmly into the mind set of mainstream listeners and ‘back on the map’. Maybe it was their decade. Good for them So, as I appreciate my highly musically experienced (and knowledgeable) readers of Mol’s Sound Words, I thought I’d ask a few of them their choices for top ten albums of the Naughties (I would have asked for top 100 as per the NME, but I couldn’t be arsed). Personally, I found this really difficult to choose ten albums never mind 100. So, Fasten your seat belts crack open a cold one and get you’re “ah, they’re fucking shit them!!!” speeches at the ready … Mol. Liverpool, England Highly Evolved – The Vines Capture/Release – The Rakes Bows and Arrows – The Walkmen Is This It – The Strokes Klang – The Rakes Behind the Music – The Sound Track of Our Lives Lapalco - Brendan Benson Consolers of the Lonely – Raconteurs Funeral – Arcade Fire Rated R – Queens of the Stone Age Dr Ian Skeath. Liverpool, England Tourist – Athlete Some Cities – Doves Kasabian – Kasabian Hot Fuss – The Killers Sam’s Town – The Killers Day and Age – The Killers A Certain Trigger – Maximo Park Capture/Release – The Rakes Melody AM – Royskopp Favourite Worst Nightmare – Artic Monkeys Andy ‘Babestation’ Nickels. Liverpool, England Our Earthly Pleasures – Maximo Park Only By Night – Kings of Leon Funeral – Arcade Fire Graffiti Soul – Simple Minds A Certain Trigger – Maximo Park Songs for the Deaf – Queens of the Stone Age Kasabian – Kasabian Hot Fuss – The Killers Myths of the Near Future – Klaxons Hopes and Fears – Keane Dr Stuart Arnold Ferguson Pritchard. Liverpool, England Parachutes – Coldplay Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand Is This It – The Strokes Asleep in the Back – Elbow White Blood Cells – The White Stripes Kid A – Radiohead Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not – Artic Monkeys You Are The Quarry – Morrissey Youth and Young Manhood – Kings of Leon Xtrnmtr – Primal Scream Arch Bishop Neil Condron’s. Manchester, England Discovery – Daft Punk Hot Fuss – The Killers Is This It – the Strokes Sound of Silver – LCD Soundsystem Mirrored – Battles Merriweather Post Pavillion – Animal Collective Echoes – The Rapture Dreams – Whitest Boy Alive Source Tags & Codes – And You Will Know Us by the Trail of the Dead Cross – Justice Dr Gareth ‘Larry Flint’ Roberts. Skelmersdale, Merseyside Elephant – The White Stripes Is This It – The Strokes Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not – Artic Monkeys 13 Tales from Urban Bohemia – Dandy Warhols The Coral – The Coral Free The Bees – The Bees Youth and Young Manhood – Kings of Leon Songs for the Deaf – Queens of the Stones Age Kasabian – Kasabian Souljacker – Eels John ‘Lyndhurst’ Jones. Peckham, London, England the Coral – the Coral Is This It – The Strokes Elephant – The White Stripes BRMC – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Who Killed The Zutons – The Zutons Consolers of the Lonely – Raconteurs Songs for the Deaf – Queens of the Stone Age Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not – Artic Monkeys Oracular Spectacular – MGMT Youth and Young Manhood – Kings of Leon Steven James Melia III. Liverpool, England Permission to Land – The Darkness Youth and Young Manhood – Kings of Leon The Optimist LP – Turin Brakes Is This It – the Strokes Songs for the Deaf – Queens of the Stone Age Paper – Rich Robinson Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace – Foo Fighters Audioslave – Audioslave Lions – The Black Crowes Raising Sand – Robert Plant & Alison Krauss Gareth ‘Jimmy Page’ Woodall. Liverpool, England * Is This It – The Strokes Walking on a Dream – Empire of the Sun A Rush of Blood to the Head – Coldplay Mothership – Led Zeppelin 13 Tales from Urban Bohemia – Dandy Warhols Orocular Spectacular – MGMT I Created Disco – Calvin Harris *Gareth has only chosen 7 albums for some reason. You’ll have to ask him why I’m afraid Colin ‘Uphill Gardener’ McKillen. Liverpool, England Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace – Foo Fighters Only by Night – Kings of Leon Room on Fire – The Strokes Elephant – The White Stripes Sam’s Town – the Killers Consolers of the Lonely – Raconteurs Broken Boy Soldier – Raconteurs By the Way – red Hot Chilli Peppers Wolfmother – Wolfmother Trouble – Ray Lamontagne Lee ‘Bank Holiday’ Wright. Norwich, England Favourite Worst Nightmare – Artic Monkeys Consolers of the Lonely – Raconteurs Last Broadcast – Doves Elephant – The White Stripes Seldom Seen Kid – Elbow Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not – Artic Monkeys Speech Debelle – Speech Debelle No Love Lost – The Rifles Original Pirate Material – The Streets Hour of Bewilderbeast – Badly Drawn Boy Gareth ‘Rainman’ James. Formally Cardiff, Wales Mutter – Rammstein The Black Parade – My Chemical Romance Hybrid Theory – Linkin Park Absolution – Muse Theory of a Dead Man - Theory of a Dead Man Fallen – Evanescence Hot Fuss – The Killers Discovery – Daft Punk Silverside Up – Nickelback Call Me Irresponsible – Michael (Papa) Buble Diop So, there you have it chaps. That was a handful of the readers of Mol’s Sound Words and their list of the albums they think are the best from this decade. Very interesting stuff from you lot I thought. Quite a few albums I would have chose from the likes of Franz Ferdinand, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Go! Team and Flaming Lips, but hey ho! Never mind eh? Finally, If you think this was a complete waste of time, discuss it over a few beers with your mates next time your down the pub. Should make for interesting conversations and makes a change from which members of Girls Aloud you’d like to rattle first One final point: not a single Oasis album in sight in the above I always said my readers had taste Mol

The Conveyer Belt of Monotony Continues

Stayed in on Saturday night as I went out for a few drinks with the missus in the after noon and (as usual) took the knock so (as usual) had to go home (via the chippy, of course). After a quick kip on the couch I woke up … and thought I was having the worst night mare ever as right before my hazy eyes was none other than two fucking twin Irish gimps singing the most cringe worthy song (I don’t remember the exact track off the top off my head as I was still a bit drunk/tired) I have ever had the utter most displeasure of subjecting to my ears to in my entire life!! It was so bad that in order to control my utter rage at this rather disgusting awakening, I decided I had to leave the room immediately before smashed the place to fucking pieces or my chippy tea made a rather premature re-appearance all over my living room floor!! As I sat up stairs (sulking) and watching something on the Discovery Channel, I couldn’t help but let X factor dwell on my mind. It simply would not go away as it was affecting me that much! So, as I often do when something is getting on my nerves in the world of music (and I use the term ‘music’ loosely when I’m referring to X Factor) I decided to write this Blog Now, avid readers of Mol’s Sound Words will remember way back in November, when I started this Blog, that my debut effort into the ‘Blog Community’ was about X Factor and the affect it has on music. So, in the hope that someone high up in ITV or even Simon Cowell himself are reading this, one year on (approximately), here are my genuine reasons for the complete cessation of X factor and all things associated with it: It is no longer a Saturday night ‘fad’ as this bile has now spread to Sunday nights as well. So much for Sunday being a day of rest or about watching Sunday Night at The Palladium X Factor has, so far, wheeled out two washed up druggies in the shape of Whitney Houston and Robbie Williams as their ‘inspiration’ to the contestants taking part during that week. Hardly the ideal role models you’d agree? Sadly, in the eyes of Cowell, he sees them as musical heavyweights. Personally I think he’s also struck a deal with them to resurrect their failing careers by getting them to appear on the show. Everyone’s a winner in the world of television! And everyone who crosses the path of Simon Cowell will also have their palms crossed with gold It has finally become acceptable to like the people who take part in X Factor regardless of their ‘talent’ because they are (adopts sympathetic voice and rests hand on heart) … nice! Take, for example, Cheryl Cole. Ah Cheryl Cole: the new shining beacon of loveliness taking a stand against everything bad (including her husband’s wondering eye and his pathetic little ear ring) in the world and sprinkling it with nice glitter and coming out with her usual chestnut of “loving” everyone who manages to turn on their water works (tears) and reduces her to a quivering emotional wreck. Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a pathetic woman in the entire history of light entertainment! It has also become acceptable to ‘like’ people who come on the show and tell their sob stories. Take that fella last year who lost his wife and brought up his kid on his own! Sad story I’m sure we all agree, but, and here’s the but, no matter what personal tragedy you have had in your life it doesn’t mask the fact that you can’t fucking sing! Sadly, we love people like this in our country and come out with ridiculous comments like “ah, he deserves it after what he’s been through” or “Ah, isn’t he lovely? Poor fella”!!! this type of ‘loser’ mentality is the main reason we will never be good at producing singers or even sportsmen and women capable of winning things at the pinnacle they aspire to be at. It’s alos the main reason many other countries around the wolrd laugh their balls off at us for adopting such sympathy! Re-branding! Ah, how fucking sick does this make me feel. Alexander Burke (last years winner in case you didn’t know) is now being touted as the next Beyonce or Mariah Carey and, in the words if Simon Cowell, is “capable of selling just as many records”!! Now, Cowell adopted a similar tone regarding a certain Shane Ward when he hit ‘the big time’ a few years ago. Little did Cowell realise that this Pikey actually comes from a family rich in the crime industry. What happened to Ward next? Yes! That’s right: he’s working at Butlin’s singing with a backing tape and a beat box shagging the odd Yellow Coat who vaguely recognises him from the telly! Alexander Burke: are you reading? If so, I feel a Halleluiah moment coming on (get it?) Christmas! Christmas used to be a time when it was traditional to sit off and listen to Cliff Richard and Mr Blobby while you’re stuffing mince pies down your grid. Now, thanks to X factor, we have to put up with the winner of this shit each year without failure! What a crock of fucking shit! Cowell has not only taken over the television, but he’s also taken over Christmas!! What next? The internet? The Radio? The world? What a complete twat!! Cover Versions. It’s quite hard to actually believe how long this fucking shit has actually been going now. But, the penny really sinks when you have new contestants singing cover versions of previous contestants! This is an obvious sign that Cowell and his gang of pathetic wanna-be’s seriously scraping the barrel with regards to what they can ‘sing’ that night. It’s also blatant self gratification on Cowell’s behalf (the view from his ivory tower this time of year must be wonderful for him) The Voting Culture. I’m not really sure here if this voting system/culture started with X Factor as there are many programmes that adopt this ploy, most notably being Strictly Come (Cum) Dancing, Big Brother and I’m A Celebrity Get me A Career Out If This. After recently watching Deadliest Catch (one of my favourite programmes by the way), I noticed that on one boat that one of the Captains said he was gonna have a vote to what Deck Hand he was gonna sack and keep at the end of the fishing trip!! This totally shocked me as I feel it is yet another part of X Factor culture seeping into the ‘decent’ part of society. Parts of society you thought were un-reachable from the drivel that is X Factor!! Sadly, it’s not. The spread of disease continues. I wonder where it will spread to next? The Old Bailey? Number 10? The Whitehouse? Aaaaaaaand breathe Now, I know some of you may well think I’m going a bit over the top here with ranting and raving about all things X factor, but the truth is it really does grind in my shells!! I can’t help it and that’s the truth. My ideal world would consist of no reality television and no X factor. Mol-Topia I suppose you could call it? I also had a brainwave the other day with thoughts on them two Irish Spikey-Haired Gimps who everyone and their fucking dog seem to be talking about these days. The thought I had was that I really do hope they win X Factor. Maybe then people will hopefully see the programme for what it is = a Conveyer Belt of Monotony and a river of total stinking shit that is quite simply fixed beyond belief. Cowell is personally over seeing this programme like some Jedi Master adopting the old adage that “any publicity is good publicity” and it sucking stinks to high heaven. Good on Sting for his comments this week. Just need a few more ‘influential people’ to come out with similar outbursts and maybe the penny will drop. But! My dear readers, all is not that bad in the world of Simon Cowell and his ridiculous black t-shirts and tits high kex! There is a god! It seems the endless drivel of X Factor bullshit has finally tipped one person over the edge during a certain book signing a few weeks ago when one rather superb chap decided to spark Leona (or Leona The Moaner as I like to call her) Lewis right in the chops. Give that man a fucking medal and a knighthood right now!! A job as Head of Light Entertainment at ITV also wouldn’t go a miss Finally, if by any chance there are any avid viewers of x Factor reading this, I would just like to ask you one final telling question? Do you really think the people who get through to the ‘business end’ of the programme can sing? If your answer is yes, I suggest you either have a listen to Florence and the Machine singing the live version of You’ve Got the Love or the girl who sings live on Jay Z’s latest song Empire State of Mind and reassess your opinion, your life and your choice in music Either that or book yourself in for a lobotomy!! Mol

Oh No! It's Bono

November 9th 1989. The setting = Germany. People up and down the country from Leipzig to Berlin are demonstrating on the streets and the fall of Communism and the rise of Capitalism is imminent and the future of European and world politics is resting on a knife edge. Now, what does this historical drivel possibly have to do with music? Well, roll the clocks forward exactly twenty years to Berlin and the Brandenburg Gate to the 9th November 2009 where a live concert took place by the world famous U2 for a lucky ten thousand people. So, the stage is set and the people are anticipating a real musical treat … or are they? The organisers of the event = U2 and MTV have allocated ten thousand tickets for the lucky people able to cough up enough money to see the event and the rest of the rather unlucky people unable to obtain tickets can’t see the concert from the ‘free seats’ because of a … wait for it ……….. A wall!! A FUCKING WALL!!!!!!!!!!! How fucking disgustingly ironic that a party celebrating the re-joining of a nation split by oppression and hostility for nearly forty years is, once again, separated by a fucking wall!!! I nearly pissed myself laughing when I read about it and I equally pissed myself laughing when I seen the picture of the stage with the massive letters spelling FREEDOM spread across the top of the stage!! Now, don’t get me wrong here as there’s a time and a place for big artists like U2 to perform, but I personally think it’s not really U2’s place to be here singing about where streets have no names and flies and stuff, but wouldn’t you think more appropriate acts would have been more suitable? What about Kraftwerk? What about The Hoff? And, most appropriate of all, what about The Scorpions singing Wind of Change? Going back to Bono though, this silly little Psychedelic Leprechaun with his daft leather kex and half American half Irish accent really gets on my fucking nerves! (You might have guessed by now) His worst crime I think is without doubt his ongoing obsession to wear sun glasses in doors! Now, I’m not knocking sun glasses in general as I have a good pair myself as it’s always worth investing in a pretty decent pair, but the name of them (sun-glasses) kind of gives their actual function away a bit doesn’t it? If they were designed to be worn out of reach of the sun they would probably be called In-door glasses. I personally think the man’s most embarrassing ‘act’ was a few months back when U2 appeared on Jonathan Woss. Half way through ‘Sexy Boots’, Bono, the great showman he is, decided to jump into the ‘crowd’ (in a TV studio – hardly Wembley stadium now is it) and sprawl himself over the legs of … wait for it … a middle aged man weariung glasses and a jumper that looked like it was knitted by his ma’!! Now, don’t get me wrong here as I’m no pervert, but if your gonna do some sort of stunt involving members of the audience, don’t you think it would be a lot more pleasant (for both parties involved) if it was some attractive female who would appreciate Bono sprawling all over you? Fucking embarrassing if you ask me! Finally, something to think about the all-generous Bono for you: This is the same man who constantly bangs on to every world leader (who’ll begrudgingly have their photo taken with him, of course, personally I think Nelson Mandella is sick of the fucking sight of him to be honest) about poverty in poor countries and greedy capitalists raking in massive bonuses. So what does he do about it? That’s right, he decide to go and live in Holland to try and escape the British tax man. Greedy capitalist or Greedy rock star? We’ll be the judge of that, with or without you, Bono Mol

Fame! I Wanna Study Forever!!!!

I was having a Chas ‘n’ Dave the other morning (no shell washing in case your wondering) listening to some jaaag radio phone in about music academies and how many young people around the country are taught to play instruments and how to sing when they attend them. At one stage I nearly severed my head from my shoulders as I was shaking my head in disbelief so much. One young lady rang into the show to say that she was attending one of these academies on a three year course to learn … wait for it … the bass guitar. Now, don’t get me wrong, bass guitar is one of the most important instruments in the set up of any band, any musician will tell you that, but does it really take three years to learn? I can see the future female answer to Mark King coming up there I reckon (I just hope she doesn’t hold her Bass right up to her tits like King does) This is all a far cry since the days when I studied music in school. Our studying was actually cut short as our music teacher found out his wife was shagging someone else behind his back and he decided to cut short his life after hanging himself. I often thought we drove him to it actually as we were slightly rowdy. Then again, he was a bit of a tit so, probably deserved it This isn’t a really favourite subject of mine as every time I think of music teachers I can’t help but think of the really annoying Jack Black in the film School of Rock. If he was my music teacher I’d be taking that SG of his and smashing it over his fat fucking head to be honest!! Anyway, as regards learning music, the way I see it is that no one can teach you how to write music as it should come naturally. If it doesn’t there’s no point trying to ‘force’ yourself into being a good musician/songwriter is there as the chances of you writing something decent are pretty slim if you ask me. If you do write something good it’s an obvious sign of natural talent. Maybe then it should be nurtured in some way, but I still feel encouragement should stop at some point to let the natural side of your talent to expand, grow and flourish. The last think you need if your trying to write/learn is someone like the afore mention Black egging you on and giving you some sort of inspirational pep talk!! So, if you see spending thousands of pounds of your hard earned cash to teach your kids how to play the fucking bass guitar for three years as value for money, think again. Tell them to teach themselves as I’ll guarantee they’ll get a hell of a lot more enjoyment out of it by joining a band with their mates instead of having three years intense study with a bunch of boffins who wear tweed jackets with elbow pads on them. So people, If you’re still in two minds by then, just send your budding musical off springs round to Mart’s to get wrecked with him at the ‘Wabble Lounge’ as he’ll teach you how to play the bass in ten minutes, that’s how long it took him! If all else fails in learning the bass, you’ll at least learn how to roll a boss Spliff!! Mol

Gimme Shelter CAN Buy Me Love

So there I was, sat in my beautiful garden on a warm October’s Sunday morning having a brew contemplating the problems of the world such as the reasons certain Swedish furniture manufacturers make tables so easy to assemble and so ridiculously impossible to re-assemble!!, the religious significance of ringing bells at eight thirty in the fucking morning and continental Europe’s obsession with mullets and double denim and most important of all: who do you prefer, The Beatles or The Stones? Everyone knows that when it comes to the greatest British band there has always (and always will be) two contender. Much has been said of late regarding The Fab Four with the likes of the launch of their rather sac-religious new Guitar Hero game and all the other exposure in certain media outlets. It really has been ‘their time’ of late and I, for sure, am one who is getting rather sick of it all mainly down to the fact that Sir Paul & Yoko Ono are fucking raking in money which they really do not need. So, I’m gonna stick up for (who I consider) to be the greatest: Ladies and Gentlemen: The Rolling Stones! Now, I know your gonna give me a bit of stick regarding my last comment about Ono & McCartney raking in the cash as The Stones have been touring way too long for a lot of people’s liking and making unbelievable amounts of money in the process, but I genuinely believe that Mick ‘n Keef love touring and would feel like a fish out of water if indeed they were to hang up their guitars and make full use of their bus passes. But come on now! Can you really see the two of them sat at home writing their memoirs with their slippers on drinking a glass of warm milk before bedtime each night? Neither can I. I know a lot of people see them as a laughing stock, but I really don’t think they give a fuck what people think, that’s why they continue to tour Now, you must believe here when I say I’m not having a go at Beatles fans, But I’ve always felt there has always been a certain degree of mocking towards Stones’ fans when it comes to actual talent. I sometimes think it borders on snobbishness to be honest as most of them can compare a Stones album to something AC/DC would release (you know what your gonna get) where as many Beatles fans see them as innovators and pioneers of modern music and they see the Stones as mere ‘donkeys’ of rock ‘n’ roll. Another thing people harp on about when talking about The Beatles is always Ringo and his ‘other’ abilities apart from drumming. Personally I’ve no idea what these special powers are, but, batting for The Stones as their ‘all rounder’ was the late great Brian Jones. Jones could basically turn his hand to any musical instrument and he was, after all, the man who formed The Stones and, bizarrely enough, went onto manage Jimi Hendrix. We all know the rest as regards Hendrix’ career. So we have a lot to thank him for even though the horrible bastard did used to knock the shit out of his girlfriend Anita Pallenberg (good job Keith stepped in when he did eh?) I feel one of the most important things that we also have The Stones to thank for is the birth of Arena Touring. Their 1969 tour of America was such a massive hit for everyone involved (promoters, fans and the band to name a few) that they quite simply set the trend when it came to large scale touring operations of the likes you see today Influential albums: When ever you see one of them top 50 albums of all time programmes, I’ll guarantee the old chestnuts are there such as Ok Computer, Pet Sounds and of course Sergeant Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band. Sadly, for me, there is one album that is usually missing from that list. Not that I lose any sleep over it not being in one of these top ten lists, but Exile on Main Street is not so much the finest Stones album, but it is the finest album ever made. I usually get asked by some people what is my favourite album and that is always out of my before they’ve finished their question. No ifs. No buts. Its such a fantastic album not just because of the amazing songs it contains (Rocks Off, Shine A Light, Let It Loose, Ventilator Blues, Tumbling Dice = to name just a few), but it’s the whole circumstances The Stones found themselves in at the time it was recorded. If you didn’t know they were on the verge of bankruptcy due to the tax laws in Britain at the time and had to flee the country to live in Keith Chateau in the South of France. Drink and drugs were plenty and the band were pretty much knackered from the afore mention touring. Hence the name = Exile on Main Street. It really is a wonderful album though, and if you do not possess a copy, shame on you! Now, before you ‘Beatle-Heads’ jump back on my throat and say The Beatles has more than one influential album in the form of ‘Revolver’, ‘The White Album’, and ‘Abbey Road’, I must also point out that for these three albums The Stones also released the likes of ‘Beggars Banquet’, ‘Sticky Fingers’ and, what many Stones’ fans consider their finest hour: ‘Let It Bleed’. Tit for Tat I suppose you could say? Now, I’m gonna end this blog with a degree of sentimentality. Everyone pretty much knows my love for The Stones and I really could go on all day about them (I usually do anyway much to the displeasure of most of my friends), but, gladly for you, I’m not. But I will leave you with this: when a band is well and truly deeply embedded in your heart there is quite simply no way to ever get them to leave. No matter what they do, no matter who they end up having kids with, no matter who they kill and most important of all: no matter what kind of shit they release, they will still be there giving you that tingly feeling you had when you first heard Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Satisfaction, Gimme Shelter and Street Fighting Man. Great music and great bands do that to people. That’s what makes them great. So while you’re on the internet, go and buy Exile on Main Street. You’ll thank me for it one day. Mol

The Rough With The Smooth

I was talking to some bird in work last week about Jamie T. Turns out she’s a pretty big fan of him, but I can take him or leave him to be honest. But, as we talked, she came out with a really good point: he has character. And you know what? … She was spot on! So it got me thinking: where have all the bad lads, or lads who have a bit of, well, laddishness about them gone? It’s actually quite apt that this conversation took place during the same month Noel & Liam put down their fist-e-cuffs and parted company as the two of them (love them or hate them) did have a certain aura about them that made them the modern day bad boys that were mainly loved by the people, but seen as a hate figure in the eyes of the (conservative) press. They will be missed (not for their music – in my opinion), but for the sheer cheek and camaraderie that oozed from them (when they we’re ‘talking’ to each other, of course) Today, the only time you get to see lads being, well, lads these days is by walking the streets as it’s basically the only place (not within eye shot of the Rozzers) people can get away with ‘offending’ anyone if you know what I mean? If you want to be a ‘rascal’ these days in the eyes of the media – forget it! Chances are you’ll end up in court for putting two fingers up to a photographer or telling someone to go fuck themselves due to the draconian laws that exist in this country these days with all things celebrity being poked and probed at the slightest opportunity. You only have to see undercover photos and film footage of Kate Moss, Russell Brand and Dev from Coronation Street for examples. Soon as the tabloids get hold of them – they’re well and truely fucked! But, without sounding sexist here, maybe the world has finally lost interest in the likes of Ozzy Osbourne biting the heads off small mammals, Oliver Reed seriously intoxicated on some chat show stripping off to Wild Thing and the late great and greatly missed Keith Floyd knocking back the red wine while setting fire to someone’s kitchen and have become accustomed to the likes of the squeaky-clean Take Splatt, Snow (snore) Patrol, James Morrison and the Jamie Callums of this world and their soothing vocals guaranteed to get women ‘in the mood’. Personally they bore the fucking pants off me so much that I really can’t listen or even watch them without reaching for the sick bucket and shedding my tea! Sadly, the age of ‘the bit of rough’ has well and truly come to a rather abrupt end because of the afore mentioned modern day crooners and good looking pin-ups corporate-pleasing Satan cock sucking pop stars. Another example of the serious lack of testosterone in today’s music scene was last month’s Mercury Awards: Bats for Lashes, Le Roux, Florence and the Machine and the eventual winner Speech Debelle, all pretty much front runners for the award itself and all women. The less said about the fucking X Factor the better (I’m sick to fucking death of that pile of vile shite any way so …) And, you might laugh here and it might sound daft, but I think shaving, moisturiser and after shave adverts have also got a lot to answer for as these do nothing to promote the ‘male’ side of men and more to promote the more ‘feminine’ side of men. Just look at lasts years Tesco advert with Take Splatt spending Christmas with them birds dressed in their skimps for stunning example of men being absolute mincers! So chaps, do us a favour next time you go into work, tuck your shirt half way into your kex, don’t wear a tie, don’t shave for two days and most important of all: don’t wash your shells!! Bear Grylls = eat your heart out Mol

Doing Their Best? ... Hardly!

I was watching the telly the other night and, to my amazement, an advert came on for The Best of Ultravox. Hahahaha, I nearly laughed my shells off. The Best of Ultravox? Er, hang on a minute there, Midge & the gang, don’t you mean ‘Vienna’? By the way hands up anyone who can name another song by Ultravox off the top of their head? Answer: no one!

Now, what Ultravox are suggesting here with their best of album would be like Van Halen releasing a best of album with twenty different versions of ‘Jump’, T’Pau doing fifteen versions of China in Your Hand, Berlin releasing thirty different versions of Take My Breath Away and Doctor and the Medics doing forty different versions of Spirit in the Sky (although I’ve heard they actually do five versions of that when they play live) Sad state of affairs wouldn’t you agree? But once again, there is a reason behind these ridiculous compilations, and, in my opinion, it has a lot to do with that root of all evil stuff that supposedly makes the world go round. To date, I’ve actually lost count of how many best of albums the likes of The Stones, The Beatles and er … Take That have released. Even Girls A-Fucking-Loud have released one!!! It’s obviously plain to see that these albums are devised by the band’s greedy management and record label heads trying to cash in on a band who are about to leave their books or indeed bands who have actually left their books. Robbie Williams, if there’s the slightest chance your reading this (in between your UFO weekly magazine, of course) I’d just like to say a few words = you massive bell end!!

If you happen to own a copy, have a look at the sleeve notes on ‘Hot Rocks’ by The Stones. You will notice that every song on the album is released under the Decca label. At the time in 1971 the label was owned by a rather unscrupulous business man called Allen Klien. Klien tried to tie The Stones into a major long term contract with Decca, but they were advised not to and instead set up their own label: Rolling Stones Records. This is the reason why so many big labels try to secure acts for many years and many albums = so they can own the rights and release best of albums after best of albums if the band decide to scarper and join another label if they receive a better offer. What ever way you look at it the songs are still the same, just re-packaged into a different shiny CD cover and box. And if you happen to buy them all, I say more fool you for being such a sucker.

There is one thing other than bands that have had one famous hit that gets me about best of albums, and that’s the bands that have been going five minutes and released a load of crap singles instead of releasing a good few albums of quality over a period of years that actually warrant a best of album. Fine examples of this being Girls Aloud and the other similar feminist bint band of bean-flickers The Spice Girls. To date they have notched up … wait for it … two studio albums each (that’s excluding the best of album) So, quick stock check here: two studios albums and one best of album. I calculate that if Girls Aloud honours their existing contract with their label and release six albums that will mean at the time of their sixth album release they should then have had three best of albums. That makes a grand total of nine albums (six studio & three best of) Agree? Good. I’ll go into The Pussy Cat Dolls statistics some other time (Wahaaaayyy)

But, at the end of the day, what really annoys the balls off me is that it really does come down to money doesn’t it? So why can’t these bands who release these very premature (and in most cases very shit as even the best of albums are basically full of album fillers with one famous hit) best of albums negotiate these embarrassing money making ‘ventures’ before they sign a contract with these massive exploiting record labels? Why can’t they ‘stand up to the man’ instead of being hoiked into a contract straight away instead of acting like greedy wanna be capitalists? Because, if you really think about it, that’s what they are deep down and before you know it they’re featuring on the next MTV Cribs programme showing the cameras around their glorious house (or are they their houses?). Either that or sort your self out and look for a decent manager who will actually look after your best interests and follow that up with writing decent songs worthy of being on a best of album.

So, a few words of advice for any wannabe greedy singers should think about: a new career working in a bank, being an MP (with a moat or a ‘duckhouse’, of course) or gladly kissing Alan Sugar’s bollocks and his arsehole on a full time basis. Either way, you’d make more money than a musician does and you’d have the right qualifications for being an absolute complete twat in the process.

Better get that CV printed off as well!