Breaking
news: Man lands on the moon! People attend Outriders gig and someone is booted
off X Factor who (allegedly) didn’t deserve to be!
So,
people have been taking to Twitter and Facebook to vent their spleen about some
girl who can allegedly sing who has been booted off X Factor! Well boo fucking
hoo!! My heart absolutely bleeds for the poor girl!
With
regards to the people who watch this shit – using up your time to watch the programme is
bad enough! But using up your time to go onto Facebook and write a six page
rant about some bird who signed up to do the show and accept the consequences in
the first place (its called – not winning) is quite laughable. Facebook should
only be used to have proper rants about important thinks like proper bands and
slagging people off and …… er …….. hang on!
I
remember watching 8mm with Nicholas Cage a few years back. There was a line in
it that seems quite apt for the latest controversy surrounding X Factor – “when
you dance with the devil the, devil doesn’t change”. That seems rather
appropriate in the case of afore mentioned young lady wouldn’t you say?
But the
truth here is (once again) that there are a few un-written rules about X Factor
the people who participate and the idiots who watch it who get ‘up in arms’
about controversial decisions need to take note of for future reference when
they are either taking part in X Factor or watching X Factor when they should
be upstairs rattling their missus on a Saturday/Sunday night:
- Controversy rules!
- The programme is, and
always has been, fixed! (see above)
- There is absolutely no
difference what so ever between the acts that appeared last week compared
to the acts that appeared five years ago and you are kidding yourself if
you think your life isn’t as goldfish like as some people may point out to
you!
1.
Remember a few weeks back when Louis ‘Hair Transplant’ Walsh was spotted
‘having a word’ with some fella who ran over to him and obviously gave him some
instructions about voting some poor bastard off the show? It was truly shocking
and hardly subtle! Gary Barlow was that shocked he actually stormed off the
show, said a couple of naughty swear words and went straight home to bed and
went to sleep without any Horlicks or his favourite teddy bear! But, the way it
was executed simply didn’t make sense apart from being a classic example of who
really DOES have the final say – I’ll let you into a secret – it’s not the
judges! The words ‘Bung’ springs to
mind!
Also controversy
guarantees a greater television audience hence guaranteeing the profits of the
Almighty (you know who). Hence increasing his influence into the world of music
and light entertainment. Hence increasing his influence and control on people’s
everyday life! Hence …… you get the picture don’t you? Say yes, Simon? Say yes, Simon? Say yes,
Simon? Say yes, Simon? Say yes, Simon? Say yes, Simon? Say yes, Simon? Say yes,
Simon? Say yes, Simon?
Sorry,
my keyboard seems to be broke!
2. Si’ll
Fix It! Now, I have no truthful reasons for saying it’s a fix as I personally
have no vested interest in the show as you all know i would rather spend 6
hours snorting speed with Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter while watching re-runs
of Play School!!
But,
me being me, I do have a couple of theories and one of them is that the ‘best’
(if there is such a thing) acts will always make an appearance the following
year and give some sad bastards with no life something to look forward to! You
know the type of clip the programme’s producers will show – slow, heart
rendering piano music over them showing re-runs of how they were disappointedly
thrown off the previous year, how their Dog or their Nan or their Dad died the
year after and they are back to ‘prove a point’ that they CAN be the best and
dedicate it to said Nan, Dog or Dad!
Situations
like this (similar to Cheryl ‘A Luv Ye’ Cole’s tears) is always guaranteed to
pull on the Nation’s heart strings that, once again, increase ratings! Hence
it’s a fix by the Almighty!). Hence increasing his influence into the world of
music and light entertainment. Hence ……. Snip!
3. The
Mong remains the same!
Have
you ever noticed how the acts who appear on X Factor and then go onto have
‘successful’ pop careers are so template-like? There is no difference what so
ever! For example I will refer you (if you don’t mind) to the case of One
Direction (or 1D as I like to know them as) and the other catchy teeny boppers
JLS (Just Lousy Singers). Apart from the colours of their skin they are absolutely
100% musically the same apart from one tiny little thing – one group have
disappeared off the face of the planet and the other have taken over the
planet!
Remember
about two years ago when JLS took over the world? Can anyone now tell me what
they are doing now? Er ……….. ??? Clue – keep your eyes peeled behind the
counter next time your in KFC
This
is mainly down to one thing – the world simply isn’t big enough for two of The
Almighty’s bands! And the truth is this – if your good enough and you manage to
moisten the knickers of enough thirteen year old girls (no Jimmy Saville jokes
please) – you will get your ‘15 minutes’! After that you best get the
directions to the nearest Butlin’s as that’s where you’ll be singing for the
next ten years!
But One
Direction (1D) and more importantly the FANS of One Direction (1D) – take note
– The Almighty will chew you up, spit you out, shit on you and empty your fucking bank balances within
the blink of an eye as soon as the next gang of good looking Vagina Wetting
Experts come along!
You
have been warned so you better book yourself a space on the nearest bridge for
the day when it all comes crashing down and your shallow, pathetic worlds fall
to pieces
But,
all you shallow people who worship the baldy pubic area that these ten year old
teeny boppers walk on remember this before you throw yourselves off the nearest
bridge or jump in front of the next train - The Almighty always has a plan!
Next year, as One Direction will begin their 2nd set in The Phoenix
Club, the conveyer belt deep in the heart of Cowell Towers will be in over
drive and creating the latest ‘strand’ of heart throbs just in time for the
start of the next X Factor!
So
never fear!!
The
Almighty has already created more pop life to give you your weekly fix of
orgasmic inducing sensational pop delight!
Hence
increasing his influence …………. Ah, fuck it!
Mol
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