Judge Dread!

 

 

It’s that time of year again – yup! We all know it, its time to lock up your talent and let loose the river of shit! Old Tight Kex is back with his box-head haircut and his 24/7 tan - Its X Factor time. This time though, its not really all about him

 

I get the feeling this year’s primary talent show has the focus more on the so called judges instead of the ‘acts’. It’s taking Celebrity Life to a whole new uber-level of un-touchable and glitzy status!

 

So! Let’s have a closer look at the Brilliantine Judges

 

First up its Gary Barlow – Ah! Gary – the Queen’s favourite songwriter and all round Housewive’s Choice. The Alan Hansen of the music world you could say!

 

Now, we all know he’s had a pretty rough ride of late with his missus giving birth to a still born kid, which, to be honest, he’s dealt with pretty good if you believe everything you read in your daily Bullshit Red Top. But, why the fuck do people like him and other assorted members of the glitterati have to do Hello & Ok magazine ‘exclusives’ telling people about their grief! WE FUCKING KNOW THAT YOUR PROBABLY IN A BAD PLACE!!! They’re hardly gonna be throwing a Happy Fucking Still Born Party is he? (Bet Musical Chairs was off the menu for one of the party games – think about it). The other side of this sorry escapade is the rather sick situation of the couple posing for photos! “Come on Gary, gimme Sad, gimme grief” – pretty disturbing stuff if you ask me!

 

But, the one thing that really gets my goat about Cuddly Gary is the grimace his fucking Dial pulls not just some of the time, but ALL OF THE TIME!  Gary smiles – same face! Gary is sad – same face! Gary has an Ertha – same face! Gary has a Joddrell – same face! (Not that I’ve seen this may I point out) It’s like his face has been melted in time to never ever move! It resembles some sort of David Cronenberg Horror film special effect botox overload or a certain freaky cast member of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Then again, the sound of Leatherface chasing some screaming bird through the woods with a chainsaw and the sound of Gary Barlow’s voice have very little difference between them if you really think about it!

 

Nicole Scherzinger . Probably the ultimate self-centred Glamour Puss there is in the world of Pop Music right now (apart from Cheryl “ah Love ye” Cole).

 

This is the same bird who decided to fuck Lewis Hamilton off as soon as he started to drive shit and fell out of the limelight! But, as soon as Hamilton sacked his dad as his manager and hired the rather appropriately named XIX Entertainment as his Management Company, he has suddenly been catapulted to the same level of celebrity his (then) ex-bird was at. The result – that’s right, all is rosy in the garden of Hamilton & Swerzinger and the love birds are back to the normal routine of being spotted at every glamour party ‘the circuit’ will have them at.

 

As for her Singing career, I can’t not possibly comment on that as, to be brutally honest here as I have never ever heard her or her ‘band’ sing. That is all I can really say apart from the fact that their studio ‘music’ will no doubt  involve a large degree of quantizing and auto-tuning due to the fact that they probably sound like a small kitten being gang raped by a pack of sex-starved cougars!! (once again – see Cheryl “ah love ye” Cole)

 

Louis Walsh. Good old Louis - The campest Leprechaun to ever grace the Emerald Isle. To be honest here, if it wasn’t for his vision in signing the like of Westlife and the other bunch of talent-less Irish twats, Cowell would never have possessed the business acumen to ‘create’ such bands like Little Mix and One Direction guaranteeing him Zillions of pounds in the process.

 

But, I’m not gonna sit here and gladly suck on Louis’s Blarney Stone here as there is one thing really fucking annoying about this Beaut – why the fuck does he always have to ‘pick a fight’ with the other judges? I know most of it is probably blag and plainly for the cameras, but you do get the feeling he would cause murder in an empty room.

 

Then again, the X Factor studio will do nicely! (Execution Factor – anyone?)

 

Now, I’m no expert here but, as you all know I’d rather watch Gary Neville comb his wig all night whilst wearing a Mankini instead of watching X Factor, but their recent fall from grace, I suppose you could say, is maybe down to the above facts!

 

Having said that, In my opinion the public are pretty fucking sick to death of listening to the same old shit year in year fucking out, so the only thing certain drones who are used to watching that shit want to see is ‘top class’ celebrities taking the piss out of said retards who think they can sing!

 

Seeing celebrities posing on a so called talent show showing off how fit, great and wealthy they are has sadly become the norm and that being the ‘in thing to do’!!

 

The world really is in trouble as is the future of music and light entertainment!

 

God help us!

 

 

 

 

Mol