The Kids Aren't Alright

I know this is a music Blog, but before I start this week’s much anticipated instalment of musical drivel, I would just like to say a few words about a certain football match in Rome the other day. I’d particularly like to say a massive congratulations to Pep Guardiola and his Barcelona team for one of the finest footballing performances I have ever had the pleasure to watch in my entire life. Utterly utterly stunning flowing fluid-like football from the likes of Xavi, Iniesta and the quite magnificently amazing Leo Messi. As for the team they beat = I have absolutely fuck all to say apart form …. Aaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!! That is all Right! Festival season is nearly upon us (you can tell as it’s pissing down again and lad’s resembling prisoners or war are walking around with no tops on) and people are starting to become pretty giddy about the fourth coming ‘attractions’, but not everyone is full of the joys of summer … I was reading a blog the other day (traitor, I hear you say) by some fella called Will Hodgkinson who took his kids to a music festival … and, much to his displeasure and discomfort, spent all day in the ‘Kid’s Zone’. He went on to have a good old moan about not being able to see Leonard Cohen (I honestly can’t think why) as he had to spend his entire day watching some jaaag Punch and Judy routine and painting kid’s faces like tigers. Needless to say, he was rather pissed off Now, don’t get me wrong here as many of you avid readers of this Blog who have kids may want to instantly jump on my throat and start saying I’m ‘kid-ist’, which I’m not by the way but don’t you think this complete testicle could have saved himself the anxiety of having to sit around fifty screaming six year old kids by simply just not taking his kids to this music event? That’s what I’d have done that’s for sure! Another thing Mr Hodgkinson didn’t take into account is the fact that many of the major festivals (and some of the smaller ones) are mostly full of grown ups hell bent on having a hedonistic weekend fuelled by drink and drugs whilst listening to very loud music and laughing at people on stilts and getting seriously freaked-out. You could argue it’s an escape from reality, if you like? The people who do take kids away and get up to all of the above activities don’t really bother going to festivals anyway as that’s pretty much the norm for these parents of the year nominations (you’ll also find most of them live in Huyton village as well hanging around Home & Bargain buying shit Everton flags off that tithead who owns the stall there) but that’s another story I suppose? Now I don’t want to sound like a Daily Express Hack here or some sort of doom mongering ‘stiff’, but, in my opinion, there’s a time and place for taking kids to music venues and it’s usually when someone like The Saturdays or Girls Aloud are playing in the Echo Arena for example. And I also know that most people who go to music festivals aren’t exactly the type you see going to Christian Aid gatherings, WI weekends and church fetes! But are Glastonbury, The Isle of White & the V Festivals really the type of environment you want your kids to be in for the weekend? I know these places are hardly swarming with the likes of Myra Hindley or Purple Akey, but to be honest with you here I’d rather take my kids (if I had any) to a weekend away at Wally World with Ian Huntley as the tour guide. A long time ago (when people were still allowed to smoke in pubs) I used to have problems with kids being allowed in pubs as well as music venues for that reason, I still do in a certain way as pubs can be full of rather unpleasant characters (inside and outside) getting up to all kinds of naughty stuff. But the way I see it is if people want to mix having a good time whilst being in a nice friendly family environment I’d suggest a weekend away at your nearest Centre Parks instead of sitting in a field with a bunch of skunked-up hippies playing an out of tune guitar and eating warm lentils while taking serious amounts of mind-blowing acid all weekend!! And for the record, I also wouldn’t subject any child of any age to the music of Leonard Cohen either as that’s just way too cruel for ears of any age to have to put up with. Mr Hodgkinson (and Social Services): please take note Mol

Don't Believe Your Hype

A mate & I were talking in work last week about some mad stuff to do with urban myths and legends. And before you say anything, no, not all Civil Servants are as hard working as me. We were talking about Prince when he allegedly had a few ribs removed in order for him to suck his own tool. We also talked about the alleged story of Jimmy Saville participating in the odd bout of necrophilia so that he could spend some time in the hospital’s morgue he was doing charity work for. (not that I’ve ever witnessed it first hand, but I’m sure the sight of Jimmy Saville’s red tracky bottoms on the floor as his scrawny arse banged away at some corpse’s nether regions does not make a pleasant sight I can tell ye). Anyway, bizarre topics of conversation no doubt you are thinking, but it got me thinking about musicians who create their own ‘legend’ or ‘hype’ to secure their long lasting fame as let’s be honest here: most of them do talk utter fucking shit about themselves! Creating your own hype can sometimes, in a band’s quest towards the holy grail of ‘getting signed’, have half the battle won. Suede did it in the early nineties and Guns n Roses did it in the late eighties. Both bands released superb debut albums and both went onto become extremely influential in the British Indie Music Scene & American Rock scene respectively on the back of a pretty successful hype campaign. Both bands portrayed themselves as low life street urchins who lived on the darker side of the street, and it has to be said created a certain mystique about themselves prior to the release of their debuts. The results = massive sales cementing themselves in the music scene with unquestionable success in the business. Not bad for a band without a released record was it? But, hype doesn’t always work on your side and guarantee success. Does anyone ever remember a band from the mid nineties called Ultrasound? They never really made it big and never released an album, but at the time they had literally every record label in the land queuing up to sign them because of their hype. What I heard of them they were a pretty good band as they did release a few half decent singles. But after all the hoo har they created the cracks began to show in the band and most of the labels chasing after them with their chequebooks waving ferociously in the air began to lose interest and eventually tired of the chase and fucked them off. Ultrasound eventually signed to a tiny Indie label and disappeared off the radar completely (they’re probably working in some back street record shop now ala John Cusack in High Fidelity) either that or working at KFC Other notable ‘Hypesters’ include my favourite: the ever green Johnny Borrell. Ah, dear Johnny, what an utter bell end this daft little fop-haired man really is. I don’t think I’ve ever heard so much self gratifying drivel come out of one person’s mouth in my entire life. Rumour has it that he attempted to do a ‘prince’ and had a few of his lower ribs removed so he can suck his own cock as well!! Sadly Johnny has taken self belief just that bit too far as I (and many other people) think his band are utterly fucking wank!! I’d love to know who the A&R person was who signed him and his band and ask him if he has ever performed oral sex on Johnny! Although he would need to get his white spray on ball squeezers off first! It’s not just the ability to play music that can help the hype side of your band though. There is also the sexual conquests side. Do you often wonder why some many young girls & boys go to pop concerts? The answer is obviously sex appeal. Some women I work with are that obsessed with Take That you’d sometimes think they’re husbands never existed they way they talk. Now, I know their infatuation of the afore mentioned boy band (or are they now classed as a Dad Band?) has nothing to do with their musical ability, but has a lot to do with how wet they can get their thongs in the process of watching one of their videos or going to their concerts! Musicianship is well and truly out the window! The main fact here is that sex sells, and a lot of bands and singers who are not that well experienced between the sheets can sometimes fabricate the truth about their sexual conquests. Julio Double-Glazias once famously claimed to have ploughed three thousand women during the seventies & eighties. I have three words for the Spanish Crooner = My! Fucking! Arse! Justin Timberlake is another culprit of the so called kiss-and-tell singers. He started a rumour amongst the showbiz circuit that he’s got a cock like Roberto Carlos’ left thigh. Next thing you know he’s spotted hanging out the arses of Britney Spears & Cameron Diaz! Result!! Now, I’m not saying Mr Timberlake & Double-Glazias don’t have massive plonkers or haven’t rattled over three thousand birds, but the fact remains their stories have worked because if there is one thing certain about a star struck fan is that they will always be willing to find out if they are given the chance to jump in between the sheets with their favourite singer! At the end of the day they’re not gonna say no are they? Other types of hype bands chose to employ were the bad ass rock star hype. Take The Who for instance and the antics of their fruit-loop drummer Keith Moon. Don’t get me wrong, I used to love reading the stories of him driving his car into swimming pools & throwing home made bombs down hotel rooms bogs, but I just can’t help feel that most of it was bullshit. Of course, I’m pretty sure Moon was a nutcase, but I can’t help thinking that he was some how ‘egged on’ by the band’s management and his band mates in order to create headlines which, In turn, boosted the bands record sales and crowd attendance no doubt? The Stones were also pass maters at creating their own hype. In the sixties they were then managed by a guy called Andrew Loog Oldham. Every day he used to literally phone one of his journalist friends and together they would create a ‘Stones Headline’. EG: “would you let your daughter marry a Rolling Stone”? The Stones exploited the press in such a way many members of the public used to treat them like the great un-washed they portrayed themselves as and they were nearly barred from entering America at one stage because of these stories. Bet they wished they should have toned down the hype just a bit as things could have turned out pretty bad and very different indeed had they weren’t allowed in the states So, if your thinking about starting a new band but want to bypass all the bullshit, song writing, rehearsals and fast track your success, start a few rumours around the local music scene to say you’ve got a cock like a baby’s arm clutching a boiled heart and you’ve had your balls t-bagged by Mylene Klass. After that … the worlds your oyster, mate Mol

Stealing The Show

So, Coldplay deny they are thieves and plagiarists eh? I’ve just read a rather touching and heart felt interview with Coldplay drummer Colin Creed. Er, sorry, Will Champion where he countered claims from Yusuf Islam (he used to be Cat Stevens in case you didn’t know) that they had ripped off one of his songs ‘Foreigner Suite’ on their song Viva La Vida. Now, what really got on my tits about this is that the song really does sound like the Cat Stevens song and it is an exact rip off so why deny that it doesn’t sound like it? Are Coldplay currently in the transition period from music to politics? (I reckon Chris Martin secretly wears sock suspenders anyway) If so, I bet Bono is really becoming paranoid about them not just ripping off U2! One thing is for sure though: Coldplay do have a certain sound that seems very familiar, but they’re not alone. Many years ago in the early nineties Oasis were actually summonsed to court by the person who wrote the original music for a coke advert as it is an exact replica of ‘ShakerMaker’ off their debut album Definitely Maybe. If you have a listen to the Oasis song and are old enough to remember the coke song, you will see the similarities, but Oasis didn’t stop there, they went on to pretty much emulate everything The Beatles & John Lennon did from there on. If you don’t believe me, go and have a listen to The Soundtrack of Our Lives’ debut album, I guarantee you won’t believe your ears (or the truth, if you were Noel Gallagher) Some bands are actually quite honest when it comes to inadvertent plagiarism. The Verve admitted to using a sample from The Last Time by The Stones on the intro of their massive hit Bittersweet Symphony in the nineties. Now, who would think (apart from The Verve) that hey had used the exact same chords from The Last Time on ‘Bittersweet’? Not me, that’s for sure, but The Verve shot themselves in the foot BIG TIME as they ended up owing nearly 80% of the copyrights from ‘Bittersweet’ to Mick, Keef and the rest of the boys. You can picture the meeting now when five scruffs from Wigan turn up to meet The Stones: Ashcroft: “we’re gonna use some of your chords on this song, can we have permission to use them please Mr Jagger?” Mick: “sounds fuck all like it mate, but seeing as you’ve admitted it, sign here please” As regards blatant plagiarism, the way I see it, writing your own songs and creating your own sound is what makes a band truly original. I know it’s not really the easiest thing to do in the world of music as people do draw influences from their heroes and others including some established artists who are under pressure to release records, but at least give it a go at being original as I will guarantee you will be greatly admired more amongst your peers for doing so than ripping off someone else’s music. It also feels a hell of a lot better when you sit back and say “you know what? I wrote that!” Of course not everyone sets out with the intention of ripping off another song as it can happen by accident. As we all know there are only a small amount of chords for musicians to use after all, but serial offenders like Coldplay & Oasis are just kidding their fans by denying any wrong doing on their behalf and (in my opinion) in the process making themselves look like talent less knobheads who obviously don’t think twice about ripping someone off and letting their lawyers deal with the aftermath. What ever happened to respect your fellow musician? But going back to Will Champion and his closing comment on the subject was a quite superb point if you think about it: “One thing I’ve noticed about lawsuits is that they only get made public once a song becomes successful. Funny that isn’t it?” I’ll give the guy that one (even if he does look like Apollo) Mol

Strange Bedfellows

Mad week this week! Mainly been waiting for a certain gang of scumbags down the M62 to slip up and laughing my absolute cock off at another gang of scumbags chasing after a referee shouting “disgwace, disgwace”. Been pretty sick as well so I decided to have a look on the internet while I was off work for something to read as I had fuck all to do apart from sit on the couch watching shit day time telly and do a rather realistic impression of Regan from The Exorcist. As I plodded through the boring, predictable and sometimes tedious world of the Internet, I got reading a rather strange and interesting interview with Audioslave & Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell about how he has recently recorded an R ‘n’ B album with hip hop singer/producer Timberland. Now, I, and everyone else know that collaborations aren’t usually that rare in music, but the ones that are pretty bizarre do leave people (me included) scratching our heads in amazement, this one especially as you wouldn’t really associate Chris Cornell with R & B Music! In the afore mentioned interview Cornell spoke candidly about teaming up with Timberland and was drawing comparisons about what the two have them have done with Dylan in 1966 when he ‘turned electric’. Cornell went onto say he has received many hate mail letters from ardent Soundgarden fans saying stuff like “Dude! R ‘n’ B! What the fuck maaaan”. The fans do sound like a gang of dickheads as its obvious Cornell is spreading his wings as well as his creative boundaries so to speak, but I do feel a certain slight degree of sympathy towards them as it would be like Keith Richards downing tools with Mick & the boys and going on X Factor. Many Stones’ fans around the world would be scratching their heads at that prospect I’m sure. It’s not just Cornell & Timberland who have created this strange musical brew. You only have to look at David Bowie & Bing Crosby to see the most surreal of them all. The video (as well as the song) for Little Drummer Boy, in case you didn’t know, was set in someone’s living room during the festive period as it was released as a Christmas song with Dave & Bing standing in front of someone’s roaring fireplace (just like Tom Hicks doing one of his famous press interviews from home) with Bing holding a glass of sherry while Bowie looked on, pale as a sheet, with half of South America (get it) shovelled up his nose no doubt. It looked like the advert from years ago for Cueantrau with the smooth French fella standing next to the fire place like Michael Caine in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Anyway, the song will always be remembered for the pure surreal feel to it, but the decorations were nice in the living room like, but I thought they could have at least made some ch – ch - ch – ch – changes. Anyway, my point here is obviously not to give you a history lesson of every bizarre duet in the history of popular music as that would be boring as fuck. But my opinion is when these bizarre partnerships do crop up I can’t help but think that the sole purpose for the two musicians in question doing such a thing is that one of them is massive and the other right on the bones of their arse as regards their popularity or albums sales. It’s a musical double edged sword. A win win franchise and, of course, shit loads of money guaranteed no matter what the quality of the music released. So, I’ve had my thinking cap on. This may not be the best of ideas, but, if your reading, why don’t The Zutons get knocking on Amy Winhouse’s door (if she’s up) and arrange a few re-makes of a couple of old classics? Winehouse isn’t writing at the minute as she’s proper on the lash showing her bee stings off to photographers in the Caribbean and The Zutons are doing fuck all apart from the odd spliff I reckon so why not give it a go? They’ve got fuck all left to lose and I’m sure they’re both pretty tired of hangin’ around. Hahaha (that’s the last of the shit jokes, I promise) Another brain wave I had the other days was without doubt the most surreal of partnerships, but perfectly logical if you think about it: The View & Rab C Nesbit. Both Scottish, both drunks, both scruffy fuckers and you can’t understand a single fucking word they are both saying!! Perfect if you ask me, although their shows would have to be limited to north of the border due to keeping their artistic integrity intact (if any presently exists, of course) and the audience having a good idea of what they’re singing about My final collaboration is more of a threesome to be honest (not like that though) which in my opinion should be turned into some sort of short musical film. It consists of Ross Kemp, The Taliban & Razorlight. Debut gig: Helmand Province (‘Hell Aid’, anyone?) Imagine the possibilities? Further more, imagine the carnage that would ensue if some of the tribal leaders got sight of Johnny Borrell’s skin tight white jeans as they burst into the opening bars of Golden Touch? Razorlight would no doubt meet their deaths at the hands of The Taliban and rid this world of their shite bile as Ross Kemp (or is it Russ?) would do his usual trick of shitting his kex and legging it with his camera crew back to his five star hotel! Murder? Action movie blockbuster on the way I reckon Mol