The Thong Remains The Same

I write this Blog as I always like to say what’s on my mind when it comes to music. Whether that be controversial, or not, I really don’t care. So, without further a do its touchy subject time … A few weeks back I showed a copy of my Blog to a young lady I work with as she was kind of curious to see what I wrote about (you could say it’s my first Blog Groupie, or Bloupie if you like). As she read through it she commented on how sexist I sounded when referring to J-Lo’s fat arse and Christina Aguilera’s clothing (or lack of it) in some of their videos on a previous Blog of mine. Now, everyone knows I’m not at all sexist, just ask my Tart, her bird mates and a few of the chicks I work with and they’ll tell you the same. But, her opinion kind of got my goat in a way as I do work with a lot of women (that’s their official title anyway) and by no way is it a man’s world in my place of work with the majority of sexist comments directed towards us ‘useless’ men by women. But that’s a matter for the equality boffins and the PC brigade, I’m here to talk about music and sadly, the music in this country and abroad is going the same way … and it’s a perfect vision of music hell!!!!! Turn on the radio any day of the week, choose any channel and I will guarantee there will be a young female singer (I’ll stop saying the word ‘Bird’ now in the interests of equality and for any members of the fairer sex who may be reading this with some sort of voodoo doll of me about to receive a pin towards it’s gentleman’s area’) belting out one of her songs in true over-dramatic fashion. Have you ever noticed that some of them are in a competition to see who can fit the most key changes or who can get their voices to ‘wobble’ the most? I often think the radio is being tuned in by Michael J Fox! Anyway, if it’s not Leona Lewis trying to be Mariah Carey, then its Alexander Burke trying to sound like Christina Aguilera & Joss Stone rolled into one big pile of X-Factor shit! It is all so bleeding samey, whiney and ear-bleeding excruciating. Some of their songs could quite possibly be used in the treatment to remove plaque!!!!!! Apart from the wailing antics of all of the above there is also a new wave of very British sounding young ‘Ladettes’. In fact they are TOO British in my opinion. Take Kate Nash & Lilly Allen for example, that slight ‘cock-er-ney’ twang to their voices is on par with the wailing histrionics of the afore mentioned ladies on an annoying level. They sound like they’re holding a hot cup of tea whilst talking to Chas n Dave’s wives! Of course not all of the current crop of Female Warblers are that bad. There are the odd exceptions in the mould of the quite brilliant Amy Winehouse, (Linden) Lily Allen can be not that bad at a stretch as long as she keeps flashing her arse and the superb new MIA who fly the flag for quality British female singers. The Grammies a few months ago proved that. Let’s just hope Winehouse & Co don’t head down the same road as Pete Doherty and start to dabble in the murky world of hard drugs Right! Before the ultra-feminists start burning their bras in protest and start wielding pink pitch forks outside my house about this ‘outrage’ (as most of them will no doubt call it) I do know the male population of current solo singers has it’s fair share of annoying bores in the shape of James Morrison, James Blunt, Michael (Papa) Bublay Diop, etc, etc, but my main point is this: woman are too dramatic and over-extravagant in the public eye (and maybe public’s hearts if your Cheryl Cole) more than men are when it comes to singing, stage sets, videos, promotion and their all round performance. You only have to look at the seriously annoying Girls (shouldn’t be) Aloud & Kylie Minogue at the Brit awards. I lost count of the amount of costume changes they had during the evening. And as for their live singing, fuck me! I’ve heard better Mallards farting on a foggy night than some of them! No wonder they double or even treble track their vocals when they record. Which bring me to the most annoying part of their set up: Why the fuck do so many of these women have to burst into tears every time they win, lose or draw something??? To make matters worse once the water works start it spreads to my bird!!! My god, it is utterly pathetic. You only have to look at the closing ‘ceremony’ of last years X Factor or Duffy’s acceptance speeches at The Brit Awards for examples. Is there really any need for it? I mean for gods sake one video by Mariah Carey is bad enough, but a whole generation of them to follow suit crying their fucking eyes out like one of their dogs have just been gang-raped by a pack of sex-starved grizzly bears is way too much to take!!! Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!! It’s like some Orwellian Female Nightmare!! Hopefully, if I ever wake from this virtual female music nightmare I’ll wake up in a world of musical good taste, Babestation, AC/DC, The Rolling Stones, Beer, Pork Pies, Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men and all the boys sitting off having a good old laugh with not a single Rigobert in sight!! Pleasant equality dreams everyone (don’t forget the Kleenex) Mol