I Am The Resurrection … (Again)

This week saw the news that there is a possibility of The Stone Roses re-forming. So, just give us a minute before I start while I do a massive yawn. ** yawns ** Ah, that’s better In the late eighties The Roses represented a change in attitudes towards music as they kind of morphed dance/rave music with indie guitar music. Not really groundbreaking stuff, but to many they were considered one of the greatest bands ever that released one of the greatest albums ever. Now, don’t get me wrong, I never disliked The Stones Roses, but I also never really got into them the way most people did (I was into heavier music at the time). I could take them or leave them really, but what does make me yawn is the whole process of bands reforming. I’m also in the mindset that thinks about the people who were fans of the band then and now. It was near enough twenty years ago when most people I know walked around in their baggy tops and semi flares wearing beany hats on top of their bowl head haircuts and dancing like Ian Brown. With all due respect I think most of us now have beer bellies and losing most of our hair so dancing around like king monkey man may well make those of us who were into The Roses look a bit daft (ala: Cozzy’s wedding) ahem. I also think the only interesting thing in this whole story would be to see Bobby Gillespie’s reaction to Mani leaving Primal Scream. Not too pleased I’d guess. Now, I know many of you avid readers will no doubt be pulling the hypocrite card out to show me after by Blog a few months back about Blur reforming. But, that for me personally was good news as I was a massive fan of Blur. The Roses, The Smiths & The Clash I am/was not. But as regards reunions in general, I, and most people, do know the only reasons most bands re-form is for the money. But, some bands are pretty special that they really don’t need to reform as they sold many millions of albums over their long or short careers. Just look at the likes of The Clash, The Smiths and up until now The Roses = all resisting the temptation of that extra pay day that could well result in the purchase of a small island off the Caribbean somewhere. A week doesn’t go by without the news of some obscure band from the seventies or eighties reforming (it’s only a matter of time before Dollar reform after David Van Day’s histrionics on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here). Even many modern bands have spilt up and re-formed. Most notably being The Verve and Take That. As everyone knows Take That are Satan’s little cocks suckers and would do anything for money, just look at their adverts for Tesco’s and Morrison’s (also see: Bill Hicks’ stand up routine about New Kids on the Block & Debbie Gibson) Now, I know that Take That are not really considered to be an ‘important bands’ when it comes to what most of us know as being decent music. But, they do have a massive fan base of millions and a band of that size reforming means a lot to the music industry’s (sorry for saying this) - ‘bigger picture’ … Reforming & new album & massive tour = money (and absolutely shit loads of it) and plenty of pairs of damp knickers up and down Britain to boot. Now, everyone who reads this knows I’m not the biggest fan of multi national corporate all-controlling music machines that most big labels are. The reasons for I won’t go into. And for me that is also the reason why I don’t like bands reforming as it’s just another example of how money can ruin things. Take a look at one of the ‘special’ bands for example: The Pixies were always considered to be one of the best bands to come out of the Seattle Grunge scene along with Nirvana & Soundgarden. A few years ago The Pixies announced they were reforming. They did the big glitzy press conference with all the fireworks and record execs doing back-flips about their reunion. But what I remember the most about the Pixies press conference was them announcing that there would be no new album, but just a tour. Their reasons = money (no doubt). I was gob smacked. Now, roll the clock forward and take another look at the possibility of The Stones Roses reforming. Do you really think they need the money? John Squire had a pretty successful few albums with The Seahorses, Mani has been in Primal Scream for nearly a decade, Ian Brown is considered to be one of Britain’s most successful male soloists and Reni … er, ok! Maybe he could do with a bit of spare cash, but lets be honest here their 1st (and maybe their 2nd) albums sold well and still sell pretty well today so I really don’t think all of them are short of a few bob. There are a few bands that I personally wouldn’t mind seeing get back together as they are the bands that never really made it big in a commercial sense. Bands like nineties indie rockers Gene for instance. They were a pretty good band who had some clever tunes, but were never really given a good crack of the whip. Instead we have the likes of The Stones Roses & Take That sweeping up the few remaining reserves of money that is left in the bare cupboard of the British Music Industry. Another favourite of mine, as most of you know, were Pavement. I would kill to see them play, but thinking about it from a logical & possibly an emotional sense, I don’t really think deep down I’d be happy about shelling out shit loads of money to watch a bunch of balding middle aged blokes with pot bellies pretending it was 1994 again knowing very well my hard earned cash is going towards their new found appetite for donuts and full fat coke addictions as they’re probably all too old to do the drink and drugs thing all over again. But, I’m gonna end this Blog now as all this talk of bands reforming for the money is actually making me feel pretty sick as to me, music isn’t all about money and promoting your celebrity in the long run is it? It’s about quality and credibility and giving your average person on the street the rare chance to feel good about them selves by listening to music that makes them happy isn’t it? Let’s just hope Shed Seven aren’t reading eh? Mol

The Thong Remains The Same

I write this Blog as I always like to say what’s on my mind when it comes to music. Whether that be controversial, or not, I really don’t care. So, without further a do its touchy subject time … A few weeks back I showed a copy of my Blog to a young lady I work with as she was kind of curious to see what I wrote about (you could say it’s my first Blog Groupie, or Bloupie if you like). As she read through it she commented on how sexist I sounded when referring to J-Lo’s fat arse and Christina Aguilera’s clothing (or lack of it) in some of their videos on a previous Blog of mine. Now, everyone knows I’m not at all sexist, just ask my Tart, her bird mates and a few of the chicks I work with and they’ll tell you the same. But, her opinion kind of got my goat in a way as I do work with a lot of women (that’s their official title anyway) and by no way is it a man’s world in my place of work with the majority of sexist comments directed towards us ‘useless’ men by women. But that’s a matter for the equality boffins and the PC brigade, I’m here to talk about music and sadly, the music in this country and abroad is going the same way … and it’s a perfect vision of music hell!!!!! Turn on the radio any day of the week, choose any channel and I will guarantee there will be a young female singer (I’ll stop saying the word ‘Bird’ now in the interests of equality and for any members of the fairer sex who may be reading this with some sort of voodoo doll of me about to receive a pin towards it’s gentleman’s area’) belting out one of her songs in true over-dramatic fashion. Have you ever noticed that some of them are in a competition to see who can fit the most key changes or who can get their voices to ‘wobble’ the most? I often think the radio is being tuned in by Michael J Fox! Anyway, if it’s not Leona Lewis trying to be Mariah Carey, then its Alexander Burke trying to sound like Christina Aguilera & Joss Stone rolled into one big pile of X-Factor shit! It is all so bleeding samey, whiney and ear-bleeding excruciating. Some of their songs could quite possibly be used in the treatment to remove plaque!!!!!! Apart from the wailing antics of all of the above there is also a new wave of very British sounding young ‘Ladettes’. In fact they are TOO British in my opinion. Take Kate Nash & Lilly Allen for example, that slight ‘cock-er-ney’ twang to their voices is on par with the wailing histrionics of the afore mentioned ladies on an annoying level. They sound like they’re holding a hot cup of tea whilst talking to Chas n Dave’s wives! Of course not all of the current crop of Female Warblers are that bad. There are the odd exceptions in the mould of the quite brilliant Amy Winehouse, (Linden) Lily Allen can be not that bad at a stretch as long as she keeps flashing her arse and the superb new MIA who fly the flag for quality British female singers. The Grammies a few months ago proved that. Let’s just hope Winehouse & Co don’t head down the same road as Pete Doherty and start to dabble in the murky world of hard drugs Right! Before the ultra-feminists start burning their bras in protest and start wielding pink pitch forks outside my house about this ‘outrage’ (as most of them will no doubt call it) I do know the male population of current solo singers has it’s fair share of annoying bores in the shape of James Morrison, James Blunt, Michael (Papa) Bublay Diop, etc, etc, but my main point is this: woman are too dramatic and over-extravagant in the public eye (and maybe public’s hearts if your Cheryl Cole) more than men are when it comes to singing, stage sets, videos, promotion and their all round performance. You only have to look at the seriously annoying Girls (shouldn’t be) Aloud & Kylie Minogue at the Brit awards. I lost count of the amount of costume changes they had during the evening. And as for their live singing, fuck me! I’ve heard better Mallards farting on a foggy night than some of them! No wonder they double or even treble track their vocals when they record. Which bring me to the most annoying part of their set up: Why the fuck do so many of these women have to burst into tears every time they win, lose or draw something??? To make matters worse once the water works start it spreads to my bird!!! My god, it is utterly pathetic. You only have to look at the closing ‘ceremony’ of last years X Factor or Duffy’s acceptance speeches at The Brit Awards for examples. Is there really any need for it? I mean for gods sake one video by Mariah Carey is bad enough, but a whole generation of them to follow suit crying their fucking eyes out like one of their dogs have just been gang-raped by a pack of sex-starved grizzly bears is way too much to take!!! Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!! It’s like some Orwellian Female Nightmare!! Hopefully, if I ever wake from this virtual female music nightmare I’ll wake up in a world of musical good taste, Babestation, AC/DC, The Rolling Stones, Beer, Pork Pies, Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men and all the boys sitting off having a good old laugh with not a single Rigobert in sight!! Pleasant equality dreams everyone (don’t forget the Kleenex) Mol

All We Are Saaaaaaaaayyyying, Is Giiiiiive Us Some Cash??

Last week saw the rather hilarious actions of a young woman taking part in a protest against the business secretary Peter Mandleson as she threw a cup of green custard over him splattering him right in the kite. This singular act of heroism proved one thing about people who believe in such a cause that such drastic measures are needed and indeed taken. In a way it got me thinking about protest songs and I realised one thing: I hate them and they’re shit! Thanks for reading, goodnight! Seriously though, I always associate protest songs with sweaty hippies, female singers with tits like bee stings or lunatic over the top lefties such as Billy Bragg!! Utterly annoying!! I have also come to the conclusion the people who write these songs are bad phoneys. So I was thinking the other day: do these people who write protest songs really believe in the ‘cause’ they are singing (or protesting) about or are they just in it for the money? If you listen to the ‘Whales’ of protest singers such as John Lennon, Bob Dylan & Marvyn Gaye and their songs about peace & confusion surrounding the Vietnam war, you might think they are genuinely concerned about the events in that country, but the sceptic in me thinks otherwise and says they are jumping on the peace song bandwagon (blowin’ in the wind, what’s goin’ on, give peace a chance, etc, etc) = all superbly written songs … which, and this is my main point her, also made the writers a hell of a lot of money. Is that their reasons for writing these songs, or were they too off their tits on acid and strong weed to know what they were really singing about? So, as this is a Blog about music I’ve done a bit of research on a couple of famous protest songs and their creators and come up with a few alternative reasons behind their lyrics/song background. Here are a few of my examples of so called protest songs and what they were maybe trying to point out … Big Yellow Taxi: Joni Mitchell. This is Joni Mitchell’s view of Hawaiian paradise rudely interrupted by her view of a massive concrete parking lot. Take these lyrics for example: "Took all the trees, put 'em in a tree museum/And charged the people a dollar and a half just to see 'em" Joni is obviously living in a different world with a totally unrealistic ideology (either that or she’s smoked way too much green) She also mentions farmers in Taxi about there being too much concrete in her afore mentioned Hawaiian paradise. Maybe she should look at all the un-used land that in absolute abundance across the USA because of red tape and write a protest song about that? She could call it Big Yellow Empty Field, maybe? Midnight Oil: Beds are burning. I think this is quite possibly the most shitbag, cowardly protest song I have ever heard. Take the lyrics in one part of the song for example: “The time has come to say fairs fair, to pay the rent, to pay our share,” Now, I can’t help but laugh when I hear this song, but this is obviously a song about land being snatched from the indigenous people of Australia. But how fucking defeatist does it sound? Obviously, after listening to this record, Aborigines all around Australia must be thinking “fuck me, I really believed in these guys and now their basically giving in to ‘the Man’ and letting them walk over us and build a massive casino or shopping complex on our holy land”. Maybe the band lost members of their family during the massive land grab that the marauding British convicts took from them many years ago? Who knows, either way you don’t set about writing a protest song about giving in do you? Pah! Rage against the Machine: Sleep Now in the Fire: Ah, RATM = everyone’s favourite little rich kids from the privileged backgrounds of Middle Class America going on about how much bad money has done to the U S of A and dream about the possibility of some sort of communist revolution taking hold (It’s also swelled their respective bank balances quite a lot as well). But, before you wanna write a song about the evils of the filthy mullah, it might be a good idea to not show off your million dollar mansions in an episode of MTV Cribs showing the people of the world how you live in luxury because of the X amount of million dollars you have ‘earned’. It’s a pity about the lyrics though as the song starts with an absolute demon riff from Tom Morello Public Enemy: Fight The Power. In my opinion released twenty years too late. The song should have been released in the early 60’s when blacks in some Southern American states were really being oppressed (or murdered you could say?) by the local rednecks. Now, Niall Ferguson I am not, but they’re a bit late with their message releasing the song in the 80’s, but good education for the youth of today willing to know about American racial prejudice. The Sex Pistols: God Save the Queen. A tongue in cheek message by anarchic lunatics who (rather intelligently) looked at the state of Britain in the late 70’s under the doomed Labour government of the time “There’s no future in England’s dreaming” Now, were these mindless lyrics or genuine heartfelt compassion for the demise of their own country? (Google: Britain under Harold Wilson’s Labour) What ever the case I actually think John Lydon was smarter then he made himself out to be. You only have to read his lyrics to see that. But, if you believe he wasn’t in it for the money, just look at his latest adverts for British Butter!! So, why do these songs exist and why, in fact, do protest singers exist? Are they gonna change a country’s legislation on war, education, religion, racial prejudice or the fact that Jaffa Cakes shouldn’t be in the biscuit isle in supermarkets? Nah! Somehow I don’t think any government in the western world are gonna give two shits if someone writes a song about them or has their picture taken with Bono & Nelson Mandela just so they can ‘push’ their cause. Personally I think politics & music is a walking musical disaster always destined to fail miserably. I’m not saying everyone should ‘down tools’ if you are about to write a protest song and start singing about love, fluffy teddy bears & women’s bottoms, but at least don’t try and take the piss out of your audience just because you have some sort of disjointed political belief when in fairness you just wanna make some money. At least give them that? So, as everyone’s feeling the pinch at the moment, let’s gather round in a circle, down a pint of warm lager from a plastic cup and pretend we’re in the Quad or The State and have a good old moral-lifting sing-a-long to the words of a famous John Lennon song … Aaaaallll together now … … “Aaaaaaaaall we are saaaaaaaaaaying, is giiiiive uuus some cash! ………” Peace out! Mol

All The Young Moods

As well as Rafa Benitez’s current position as manager of Liverpool FC, rumours are rife on the internet about the current antics of actor Joachim Phoenix. In case you don’t know about his recent behaviour he recently appeared on the David Letterman show in America sporting a rather shaggy beard and sunglasses whilst acting very strange indeed. In his ‘interview’ with Letterman, Phoenix stated he has recently started a career as a hip hop singer. Apparently Phoenix is that serious about this new line of ‘work’ that he has even done a number of ‘gigs’ in dingy clubs up and down Los Angeles. The reactions he received from his audience ranged from shit to damn right shit. But, some people across the internet celebrity gossip sites have suggested he is not entirely sincere or indeed serious about his new musical career, which got me thinking … how many musicians don’t take them selves seriously or moody? And who do? The answer is quite a lot DO! During my time as a musician my band mates and I had many conversations (that’s another word for argument or disagreement by the way) about how the band show go forward, musical direction, image (my shirts were often brought up), etc, etc. Although I did take a certain degree of seriousness about what we played and wrote, I never really paid much attention to taking myself serious. I still don’t. At the time I knew a lot of musicians who, you could say, had their heads firmly inserted so far up their own backsides they thought they actually were in some sort of super-dooper rock band, proper Spinal Tap aficionados I used to think. This one particular Tit Head we played with once wouldn’t even move his drum kit during one gig. You couldn’t even LOOK at it! I literally had the space of a postage stamp to stand, play guitar and sing on. The sad fact about this particular whopper and his gang of merry BO-ridden men was this = they weren’t massive rock stars. They were a bunch of un-signed Scouse Rockers destined to play to their parents and close friends until they reached a ripe old age when they just don’t look cool anymore. I didn’t get all that ego bullshit as it never appealed to me. Mart, Stu & Ben, can you guess who I’m on about? However, after the afore mentioned Phoenix interview and his belief that he may one day make it as a hip hop singer I really can’t help but think it’s a bit of a wind up, but, unlike Phoenix, most of the bands we played with over the years believed they could make it even though time was well and truly not on their side. Now, please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not having a go at bands. A mate of mine once told me that bands of today are for tomorrow. I truly believe that to be true, but why all the seriousness surrounding these once happy-go-lucky young chaps before they became embroiled in the venom encrusted world of music? Why all the bullshit? Why the shades wearing? Why the posing? Why the sulking? Why the snobbery? Why the same Lego-style haircuts? Why the extremely tight fitting Levi’s and Winkle Pickers? (And there was me thinking cloning was illegal) Another thing that really used to make my head tilt in an eastwardly direction was the attraction young ladies had towards some musicians. Don’t get me wrong I hardly had them queuing outside my bedroom door 24/7. In my opinion most musicians I know were either too moody to approach, scruffy bastards or just plain miserable sods, but you used to see them going out with some proper stunners! Why was that? Did they have cocks like a baby’s arm clutching a boiled heart? Or were they a complete shadow of there ‘rock star image’ once they got home? (Polar Neck Sweaters, Farrah Slacks, etc, etc) I personally think they paid most of them birds off to make them look good and turn a few heads in trendy ‘Scenester’ places like Korova or Le Bateau. It’s easily done by the way, my bird costs £30 a weekend (you’ve all probably got my number if you need her ‘services’ by the way) As regards to the Liverpool Music Scene, I do have fond memories of one particular band of whoppers. Now, I’m no shithouse, but I’ve made the decision to not name them as that’s up to you lot to find out. The one thing that really stood out about the band in question was their quite shocking fashion sense (I know: pot & kettle). At least three of them used to wear those ridiculous Afghan scarves when they played live, complete with the ubiquitous Converse trainees, leather jacket, t-shirt and jeans so tight you could tell if they were Jewish or not. I could really never get my head round bands who wore scarves on stage, I mean, stages are hardly the coldest of places now are they? One night, whilst managing The Decons we had a gig arranged at The Barfly in Liverpool with Howling Bells (a gig we were quite pleased with). To cut a long story short we had a few problems with this bird who worked there as the ‘promoter’ and as we had broken the ridiculous un-written rule of arranging another gig in Liverpool within two weeks of each other, this jumped-up Nazi demoted us down the running order and got in the afore mentioned band in to play ahead of us on the bill without telling us as a kind of punishment. We tried to talk this band out of it, but, with them being the posing selfish wanna be cock stars they are, they declined. That story, to me, summed up everything that is bad and selfish about musicians who would trample over there Nan’s body to reach the heady heights of fame!! Needless to say we never spoke to them again or set foot in the venue either. One thing is for sure though: they came out of the whole affair without their reputations intact. So, serious, moody musicians = love ‘em or hate ‘em? Sadly, they’re here to stay and they’re making dark, dingy corners of nightclubs and bars up and down the country thoroughly miserable places to be. So, If you happen to be reading this Blog and are in the process of starting or thinking about starting a band with a bunch of mates, remember this = it costs nothing to get on, but pays to be a prick! Mol