Just Turn That Dial, Make Your Music Worthwhile

You know what? I hate Radio 1 DJ’s? What a gang of fucking celebrity arse-kissing twats!! I work most Saturday mornings. Not for the enjoyment you must know, I do it for the money. Whilst me & my colleagues sit in work, zombie-like trying to think of a good reason (apart from the money) for getting up at six in the morning, our marvellous superiors do actually allow us the once in a week pleasure of having the radio on. Most of the time we listen to Radio 1 so we don’t have to put up with listening to adverts for Safestyle UK or John Leach at the Widnes Car Centre (hands up who knows the number?), But this does nothing except prolong the agony of having to work that extra day as the DJ’s the BBC hired are just plain simply a gang of boring arsed tits!! Whilst listening to Radio 1, one particular DJ who works Saturday mornings who I have much distain for is the really annoying Nick Grimshaw. Now, early mornings are not the best of times to ‘rattle my cage’ as I’m pretty nocturnal and can be rather narky first thing. Don’t get me wrong, Grimshaw plays some decent tunes, but it’s his constant talking and rambling on about Lilly fucking Allen and other celebrities that really grinds on my balls. I’m sure he’s stalking her. I’d be pretty worried if I were her. The biggest of all knob head DJ’s though really does have to be Chris Moyles. Now, I know he’s an easy target when it comes to criticising DJ’s as most people are of the opinion that he really is a proper bulb, but he’s about as funny as waking up with your cock in your mother-in-law’s arse!! And as for his side-kick ‘Comedy’ Dave, can someone please tell me where the comedy element is in this silly little man as I really can’t find (or hear) any? And to think your taxes pay for this crap to be broadcast across our airwaves! Un-fucking-believable! In my opinion DJ’s come across as nothing more than celebrity magazine reporters who play the occasional song in between talking about Cheryl Cole’s latest ‘bust-up’ with her dickhead husband or Madonna’s latest divorce payout. They constantly ring up Z List Celebrities or Joe Public live on air asking them what they’re up to. Jesus Chris! How fucking dull! I also notice how they always just happen to ring up some goody-too-shoes celebrity like Holly Willoughby or some other twat who go onto inform us they are “shopping” or “going to a friends for coffee”. Bollocks! Wouldn’t it be fantastic if someone rang up Russell Brand to see what he’s up to (chances are pretty far fetched, I know) and he said he was currently participating in a bout of felching with some £20 an hour prostitute, a donkey and a trampoline! But of course, we all know Radio 1 has a new clean agenda following the Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Andrew Sachs affair that will involve no further controversy what so ever as Radio 1 has employed the safest of safety nets to ensure that ‘disgrace’ on behalf of Ross & Brand (as so many conservative newspapers up and down the country liked to describe it) never ever happened again. And the result ladies & gentlemen = the death of light entertainment in Britain across the airwaves. Instead we have some of the above bell ends calling up people on their way to work? Where’s the entertainment in that? Dull dull fucking dull!!!! It’s like reality radio! And finally ladies & gentlemen, I give you Vernon Kay. Good old Vern: the housewives choice, The Stuart Pritchard of Radio 1. Vern has well and truly cemented himself as the Alan Hansen of the airwaves. Every Saturday morning Vern reduces himself to the presenter of the embarrassing task of ringing up his brother (he’s a teacher by the way) to ask him for a maths question to put to the public each Saturday morning. Now, I’m sorry to say this, but mental arithmetic is not my idea of light entertainment at 9 o’clock on a Saturday morning! And anyone who participates (who isn’t in work, of course) in this maths extravaganza should be either having a lie in, getting a fucking life or being ‘taters deep’ with the missus!! I know what I’d rather be doing (and it doesn’t involve using a calculator). I’ve often found that the best and most entertaining DJ’s are the ones who work for shitty little local radio stations like KCR or Dogwank FM or whatever. The music is not always that good to listen to as some of it isn’t made in this century, but they can sometimes give you a proper good laugh when they go over to their roving reporter ‘Barry’ who is outside Greggs in Huyton Village where there has been a security incident involving some five year old called Dylan who has burnt his mouth on a flaming hot sausage roll. I also love some of the local adverts you find on these local stations from local companies like Bobby’ Bricks Building Suppliers or Bent Alan’s Mobile Hairdressers. Priceless! When I listen to Radio 1 today I can’t help but feel all nostalgic and think about the glory days when they used to have Steve Wright on in the afternoon (by the way I’m not talking about the prostitute murderer from Ipswich here). He was a proper good laugh who used to have the imaginary characters of Mick Jagger, Keith Richards & Sid the Manager courtesy of comedian Phil Cornwell. It was a hell of a lot better than listening to Chris Moyles and his ‘laddish’ mates trying their best to be funny and really did used to make my sides split with laughter. I also used to be a massive fan of Danny Baker & Chris Evans when they ‘worked’ on Radio 1, but they were also given the boot for being too ‘close to the knuckle’. I also think Evans was sacked because he couldn’t be arsed coming into work on Monday mornings because he was too pissed and not really arsed to turn up (sounds like someone I work with actually – one word: Geldof) So, if your bored with the celebrity obsessed national radio, go and have a listen to Jimi Hendrix’s famous words in the song he specially recorded for Radio 1 in the sixties … when radio was fun … “So just turn that dial, and make your music worth while” Mol