Kick Out The Dad's Motherfu***rs !!!!!

A few weeks ago I received one of them extremely embarrassing video texts from a so called mate of mine (not gonna name any names here, but everyone knows the tall fella with the stick-on haircut I used to play the drums with don’t they?) Anyway, the video nasty in question was taken at a mate’s wedding when, in typical drunken fashion, I started off the nights ‘dancing’ (and before you ask: yes! I did have my tie round my head). Now, this wasn’t any normal form of dancing, oh no, in fact, it was quite far from it, It was Drunken Dad Dancing. Now, I’m not a parent, but according to my ‘mate’ (and after witnessing the afore mentioned cringe-worthy video) I can admit that I do dance like a proper cock (try and imagine a cross between Michael J Fox, Napoleon Dynamite & Stephen Hawking after a couple of ‘Garys’) After watching the video I noticed quite a few people laughing and gaining pretty honest enjoyment from my ‘moves’ and it got me thinking: are dads ‘in’? If you are Emily & Michael Eavis you certainly are if you look at the proposed/rumoured line up for Glastonbury 2009. Every year at Glasto the organisers have some sort of musical legend gracing the stage. In recent years they have had James Taylor, Shirley Bassie & Tony Bennett to name a few, but they have never been the main headliners, as they have had the rather patronisingly named ‘Legends’ slot. This year the possible/proposed headliners are Bruce Windscreen or Neil Young = both hardly spring chickens respectively. So, is this arthritis-riddled line up all a ploy by the Eavis household to show the masses that there will no longer be the controversial hip hop (or in this instance: Hip ‘op’) genre headlining the famous Glasto stage, but the future will well and truly be guitar-based-well-known-way-past-their-best-singers/bands? Or is it just simply down to marketing and demand? Who knows? Who gives a shit? I don’t as I don’t go to Glasto. So, as I have just turned the illustrious ago of 37 (stop laughing there at the back) and sad to say leaving my festival days behind me, I was thinking about an alternative if people do really want to see just bands with age and jangling bones on there side, it’s called = Glastondaddy. Glastondaddy Features & Facilities: No beer, wine or cider on sale at Glastondaddy as there will just be stuff like Speckled Hen or Bishop’s Finger. There would be a pipe & slippers tent for anyone wanting to have forty winks. A new area for beard trimming could be introduced. Crowd surfing would be way out of bounds, but it could be replaced with Stannah-Surfing. You could also have the HP Sauce stage. The possibilities for all things dad are endless, which finally brings me to the music: The Main Stage (sponsored by Deep Heat) headlining: Bruce Springsteen singing ‘born to walk’ Followed by: Iron Maiden singing ‘stroll to the hills’ Followed by: The Sex Pistols singing ‘Alzheimer’s in the UK’ And: Led Zeppelin singing ‘Stair Lift to Heaven’ And finally: Mick Jagger & David Bowie singing ‘dancing in the walk-in bath’ So, people, are you prepared to pay £90 to spend the weekend at Glastondaddy, drink bitter and share a packet of Werther’s Originals with your best mate? I would. At least you wouldn’t have any friggin’ kids there!!!!!!! Then again, you’d have no footies to burst either! Geeertcha! By the way, if you want to comment on this or have any other musicians/songs for the Glastondaddy line up, post a comment and we’ll get on to Eavis and his daughter. The best idea wins a free year’s subscription to Country Life Magazine. Nice 1 Mol

Welcome To The House (That Was) Fun

This week saw the closure of the world famous Astoria venue in London. It was an iconic venue home to some of the most notorious of gigs including Nirvana, Radiohead & The Manic Street Preachers (their last gig as a four piece by the way). Although I’ve never been there myself, the Astoria has long been known in the music community as a dingy, smelly place that was pretty much revered by many people who attended gigs there. To me, it sounds like heaven when you compare it to some of today’s more modern arenas After reading the article about The Astoria, it got me thinking about music venues of today in general and of course the MEN (Manchester, in case you didn’t know) as I’ve seen many gigs there myself. Apart from having to get the last train home (as I live in Liverpool) or running the gauntlet of hiring a dodgy ‘cab’ off a non-English speaking gent while he bombs it down the M62 at speeds Lewis Hamilton does during his day job, the place to me is just quite simply another example of corporate greed taking the soul out of music and replacing dingy music venues and with these nice big shiny ones (with all mod cons, of course). Music venues to me are about three things: music, character and atmosphere. It’s not about glamour, image, glitz, fashion, corporate sponsors, money or how many oranged-up scally birds with fake tits wearing Armani dresses you can get standing at the bar. But, sadly music has become another ‘label’ to the new found music glitterati. I’ve lost count of how many women I know saying “Eeee, I can’t wait to see Kings of Leon next week” just because the gig is in the Echo Arena (Liverpool’s new Wanna-be-WAG playground). I wonder if any of the girls actually posses a KOL album? They remind me of the girls you see wearing Ramones t-shirts (I’m always tempted to ask these Air-Heads if they can actually name all four of the Ramones, but that’s a bit too cruel) One of the best gigs I ever went to was Hundred Reasons playing the Barfly in Liverpool a good few years ago. No one else wanted to go (as most of my mate’s thought they were gash) so I decided to take my missus. She had no idea what type of band they were like, so in order to secure her company for the evening I told her they were an ‘easy on the ears pop act’ with some nice soothing tunes and a steady background rhythm section (ha ha). The look on her face two songs in when it seemed the ceiling was going to cave in due to amount of lunatics there were crowd surfing, throwing beer everywhere, stamping their feet and basically having a good old mosh was absolutely priceless!!! My hand was firmly gripped by hers for the rest of the evening as she looked on in sheer terror. My ‘Boyfriend of the Year Award Winners Speech’ was not needed that year, a bandage to heal her nail imprints was needed!! That to me though it is what makes a brilliant venue: Sweat dripping off the ceiling, 1cm of piss on the bog floor, ear-bleedingly-loud speaker system, low lit corners for anyone wanting a moment of intimacy and of course very little security presence, basically – dingy! As well all know Liverpool is steeped in rich musical history, but apart from the Cavern, no one ever really mentions the venues when they do talk about the Liverpool scene. Liverpool has it’s fair share of good old fashioned venues: The Lomax, The Picket, the Zanzibar and The Carling Academy are fine examples (though sadly most of them are now closed) although I must admit I have fell down the stairs on quite a few occasions in the Academy (and they are pretty steep as most of you can vouch). But that’s by the by and worth taking and contributing towards a memorable night out, which by the way brings me to a certain M Keenan of Huyton, Liverpool when he tied the shoe laces together of some poor bastard who took the knock on the stage one night. The sight of him falling flat on his face as he was revived by his friends (who were in on the jape) was probably the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen in a club. Even the bouncers laughed!!! Now, take Mr Keenan’s antics of then and try and repeat them now and you’d probably end up in court the next day (if you got the chance to carry out the scurrilous act, of course). It’s got so bad that some places even hire fashion police on their doors these days. The less said about them tits the better!! Don’t get me wrong, not all dingy venues are great as some of them are pretty much so run down they are beyond shit! During my time in the band we played in pretty much every venue in Liverpool and quite a few up and down the country. The Pit in Liverpool was one such aptly named venue. Fuck me! That was one seriously shit place to play! I remember fusing the microphone once whilst singing, I felt like I’d just necked Jaa Jaa Binks after he’d just sucked on a battery!!!! So, everyone, do me a favour: next time you go to a gig in one of these state of the art venues, remember a few things: music isn’t about being in a plastic, soulless, corporate arse-kissing arena, it’s about music and atmosphere. If they don’t have them you may as well go home. Either that or try and tie someone’s shoe laces together, sit back and watch the carnage unfold. Mol

No Spandex Required: The Guitar Hero Generation

Before I start I would like to wish all the 3 people who read this blog a very happy new rear. Cheers and all the best for 2009. Last week while I was visiting the fantastic city of Prague my rather drunk and hazy eyes read a quote from Chelsea goal keeper Petr Cech. In the interview he mentioned how when he was growing up Communism helped him in his career in football. To his point he added that today’s kids (under Capitalism) are too busy sat in front of the telly, Playstation or X-box instead of actually physically taking part in sport. Now, I know very little about communism & sport (apart from the butch like shot putting ladies of the old USSR in the 80’s) and also the two are not the reason why I write this blog as you well know, but when it comes to music the big Czech may just have stumbled across a pretty good point. Since the arrival of Guitar Hero a few years back countless amounts of bands including Aerosmith, Metallica & guitarists such as Slash signed up to promote this game. Personally the only video game I play is Snake II on my Nokia phone, and I used to be a bit of a dab hand at Frogger & Donkey Kong, but that’s another matter I suppose. Anyway, I know playing Guitar Hero is not actually playing the guitar for real, but it’s popularity has seriously risen of late (the fools have even included drummers for some bizarre reason!!!), but is that a good thing for wanna be proper guitarists of the future? Is the rise of Guitar Hero gonna revolutionise music? Are gigs gonna be taking place in people’s living rooms, kitchens or even in the shitter? The possibilities are endless. Imagine the following scenario if you can: You’re an 11 year old kid in the future, it’s crimbo morning and you wake up to un-wrap Guitar Hero 15 and you are seriously made up! You then ring your mates and guess what? … They all have the same presents, too. So, over-excited because it’s Christmas, you then decide to form a band. Bingo! Instant band plugged in and ready to raaaawk! Sadly for the guitar purists of this world (me included), it seems the art of learning the guitar properly could quite possibly be a thing of the past. There is a case for the defence of the guitar hero generation, but there is also one for the guitar purists of this world. Silence in court … Case for Guitar Hero Being in a band can sometimes be quite miserable as many of you reading this can vouch for with the only memorable parts usually being the thirty or so minutes you use to spend on stage. Rehearsing, picking up gear, song writing songs, having arguments, musical direction and travelling in the back of a transit van sitting in a deck chair with four other lunatics with seriously bad arses all the way to a gig the other side of the country were all pretty forgettable examples/experiences. Playing Guitar Hero is a much more easy option and also rather cheaper than being in a band as you can sit in the comfort of your living room with a few mates round enjoying a few beers making proper cocks out of your self to the back catalogue of AC/DC or Led Zeppelin whilst wearing a rather tight pair of spandex kex!! Compare that to being in a band and having to shell out XX amount of money each month for rehearsal costs, petrol, tight spandex kex, strings and of course the hundreds of pounds guitars actually cost. In such hard economic times it’s easy to see why many kids are staying in with their mates and doing stuff like this. Case for Guitar Purists When I first learnt the guitar it is was a very personal affair (self taught, ahem). I have fond memories of sitting in my room as a teenager playing for hours on end much to the displeasure of my parents. It was great back then as it was a form of escapism for most teenagers from the boredom of school & college life. Playing the guitar was cool and it sometimes changed people’s perceptions and opinions of you “wow! You play the guitar?” or “you’re in a band???” Even the biggest of school & college geeks (me NOT being one by the way) sometimes received respect from their adversaries down to the fact that they played guitar. Sadly some kids are pretty rubbish at things like footy, skate boarding or even break dancing, but playing the guitar I found brought out a certain degree of self confidence I never really had a kid as believe it or not I was quite shy and withdrawn during my adolescence. The Future So, what of the future of music? I’m not saying that Guitar Hero is going to have a massive effect on music as a whole, but there’s a chance it will have some influence. One thing is for sure though: music WILL always adapt to current trends and technologies it always has done and it always will (does anyone remember saying “I’m not buying a CD player”!!). We are now well into the digital age of music, Guitar Hero is taking the digital age and morphing it with the virtual age that maybe is to come. So, what do you/we do? Do we continue down the usual path of the tried and test good old fashioned band/rehearse/play live scenario or do we embrace this new age of music and form virtual bands with your mates in your living room? One thing that will tip the balance is the one thing that has always been constant during the age of live music: musicians need audiences! Whether they are real or virtual is a question for the history books and the success of this possible new future of music. Virtual Spandex though, that’s a question of how big your balls are compared to the size of your cyber socks you might get for crimbo … if you’re a good kid, or course. Mol