Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Subo

John Lennon would be turning in his grave!

It was announced this week that Susan Boyle has chalked up number one albums in the UK and across the pond with our dear cousins in the U S and A. it!

A superb achievement I’m sure we all agree

Before we go any further, I’d just like to mention a rather funny quip my brother came out with yesterday: “imagine if Susan Boyle’s first name was Les” ... think about

Anyhow, what really do annoy me about this whole affair are two main deciding factors. 1. Susan Boyle does not write he own songs to be honest, she probably struggles to write her own fucking name). 2. The story and coverage about this whole thing in the press

Ridiculous words and phrases such as “better than The Beatles” and “breaking the record held by The Beatles” are really starting to fucking annoy me!

The Beatles were, and many say still are, probably the most influential band of all time that inspired thousands of artists not just in the sixties, but in the five decades that passed their heyday! They have also influenced a sub culture not just associated with pop music, but with film, literature and fashion.

They have also single-handedly boosted the fortunes and image of a city that was almost flung into the dark ages by a certain iron lady and her gang of millionaire cronies in the Tory party many decades ago

So, compare these achievements to a woman who resembles some rag-arsed Bricky who works on a building site and has done more for facial hair than Brian Blessed!

Here is a woman who swims with the likes of Simon Cowell and the other tax-dodging bean-counters whose real allegiance lies with a certain shit talent show that is plastered across our screens morning, noon and fucking night twenty four fucking seven!!!

To me, to compare anyone, whether that is Susan Boyle or any other talentless twat who doesn’t write their own music, to The Beatles is nothing short of utter blasphemy!!!

It really is a sad country we live in!! The quicker Subo (and her army of adoring fans in the press) fucks off into the arms of the celebrity loving Americans the better!

Mol

There Aint No Place Like The U S and A

Now, everyone knows my levels of distain and anger when it comes to all things American with regards the level of influence they sometimes have over our culture, sport and of course: food!

But I did notice one thing the other day when it comes to their ‘style’ of writing songs and it was this: they really are obsessed with their own country!

Now, I’m sure most of you know our cousins across the pond do possess a rather large chunk of land and that many of them (about 90-odd %) don’t own a passport (that’s usually down to that fact that they don’t know the rest of the world exists), but, this is what I noticed the other day: they love writing songs and naming bands about places in their country.

Self gratifying I’m sure you’d agree?

Here are a few rather eye-watering examples:

Bands:

Boston

LA Guns

New York Dolls

The Miami Sound Machine (that was Gloria Rest-her-fanny’s band by the way)

MC5 (Motor City 5) – named after Detroit

Buffalo Springfield

Chicago

Songs:

Route 66

If you’re going to San Francisco

New York New York

New York City Cops

California Girls

California Dreaming

Pacific Ocean Blue

Born in the USA

Sweet Home Alabama

Hotel California

Now I don’t mean to sound disrespectful to these rather cherished national places on the old U S and A here, but don’t you think they can sometimes be rather too sentimental about these places of heritage? Bruce Springsteen wrote about the USA all his fucking life and he’s still boring the tits off us to this day! Republican sentimentality you might say? Who knows

Now, compare this to the English and our rather plucky stiff upper lips, cups of tea and fish and chips. You don’t really hear of us singing so affectionately about such cities as Norwich, Sunderland or Watford. You don’t hear us constantly banging on about such world famous land marks as Battersea Power Station, The Angel of the North or Page Moss Chippy in the same way our friends across the Atlantic do now do you?

Now, you make think I’m being silly here (and yes, I am), but I’m pretty much at a loss as to why people would want to have such a partisan opinion about their own country that they suddenly feel the need to burst into song or name a band after it as, in my humble opinion, music should be about something that’s stirs your emotion and inspires you and your personal feelings

Maybe a bridge, a monument or indeed a city does do that for most Americans.

Sadly it doesn’t for me

I’ll stick to writing songs about paranoia, lost love and death if you don’t mind

As for Page Moss Chippy: they do make great onion gravy

Hardly worth a song though

Mol

More Than Just a One Trick Pony?

I was reading through the papers the other day whilst sat in the pub (on my own – sad bastard) whilst the missus was shopping (for a change) and started reading the tour dates adverts at the back. You know the ones advertising Joe Longthorne and Daniel O’Donnell in some sleepy town’s Plaza Suite or something shit like Southport.

Anyway, on the same page was an advert for Roger Waters doing yet another stage rendition of ‘The Wall’ in various European Cities. And it got me thinking – why is this man and many other artists still subjecting the public to this repetitive crap?

In this rather sad, repetitive case of Roger Waters, it’s quite hard to believe someone who has such an array of musical talent and released a wide selection of albums that are firmly edged into Original British Music History should rely so heavily on resurrecting one of Pink Floyd’s ‘less’ famous and, dare I say, mediocre albums (The Wall) and turning into some over-the-top rock musical extravaganza time after time. I get the feeling his creative talents have simply drifted away or dried up and he’s hanging onto some sort of fame by the tips of his fingers

Now, don’t get me wrong here, bands like The Stones and The Eagles have been ‘hanging on’ for many years now and, of course, they have resurrected famous albums by re-mastering them, but, and it’s a big but, they have released the odd original album in between these ‘re-mastered’ examples. For a bunch of chaps with a combined age of one hundred thousand, that’s no mean feat

Another example of the ‘one trick pony’ came courtesy of a chance meeting I had a few months back with Lee Mavers from The La’s. Well, I say chance meeting, he actually blanked me! Cheeky C*nt! I had to mention this by the way as a few of my so called mates buzzed off after i told them

Mavers though, for all his talent, is still living off one good album and one famous song that is still used to advertise sofa companies and holidays firms to this day! Doesn’t give him the right to blank me though! Blert!

But the really annoying part of all this is that these ‘one trick ponies’ demand respect from their peers because of their previous (track) records.

In my opinion it’s high time they did something that would guarantee respect – it’s called writing something new!

As for blanking me, that’s pretty understandable

I’d do the same if i were in their shoes

Mol

More Songs for Tom and George

So, Tom and George are packing up their cowboy boots and riding off back to Texas with a (quite appropriate) loss of £80 Million each saddled to their trusty steeds.

So, in true time honoured tradition of Mol’s Sound Words, its time for another bout of appropriate songs for our two favourite Texans

Here’s what my dear readers have come up with this time.

Walk Away – Cast

Bye Bye Bad Man – The Stone Roses

Cash in My Pocket – Daniel Merryweather

Last Goodbye – Jeff Buckley

I Fought the Law and the Law Won – The Clash

Hit the Road Jack – Buster Poindexter

Give me Just a Little More Time – Chairman of the Board

Walls come tumbling down – The Style council

Miss You – The Rolling Stones

Leaving on a jet plane – John Denver

Goodbye cruel world – Pink Floyd

The end – The Doors

Leash – Pearl Jam (lyrics: “drop the leash, drop the leash, get outta my fucking face”)

Go west – Pet Shop Boys

Fight the power – Public Enemy

Celebration Day – Led Zeppelin

I’m so bored with the USA – The Clash

So, Messer’s Hicks and Gillett, if indeed there is the slightest chance (in hell) you are reading this, I’d just like to leave you with one though – remember the end of the film Trading Places when Randolph and Mortimer end up on the streets? ................

And finally, Tom and George, if you do find yourself in great financial hardship with your new £80m debt, remember these few words to keep the bailiffs from your door: You’ll Never Walk Alone

Shut the door on your way out

Mol

Weezer Geezer in Cash Squeezer

Just been reading the most baffling article about Weezer and a very bizarre request from a chap who, you could say, doesn’t really like them too much

The very strange offer comes from a chap called James Burns who has set up a campaign with other ‘organisers’ who have a goal of raising $10 Million to offer Weezer to stop making albums and do the ‘decent thing’ and call it a day – so far they have raised $273.00 (just another nine and three quarter million to go then)

Mt Burns went onto to say his reasons behind this rather ludicrous offer were that Weezer have failed to ‘deliver the goods’ since there successful 1996 album ‘Pinkerton’ and have, since then, churned out a crock of shit

Personally I think this is pretty un-fair as Weezer have, in my opinion, released some rather decent albums and a few blinding singles

But, I must admit I do tire from the rather ridiculously named Rivers Cuomo’s (he’s the specky singer who looks like Morrissey on slimming pills by the way) comments that their latest album would be their “last” when it’s plain to see it quite simply isn’t!

So, without further ado, I’m starting up a campaign

Anyone who wants to contribute to the “Take That, Razorlight and Simon Cowell Retirement Campaign” is more than welcome

How much d’ye reckon we’ll raise?

Mol

I’m In a Rock N Roll Band

Must admit, I have to say that I’ve really enjoyed the ‘I’m In a Rock N Roll Band’ series produced by the BBC. Caught it on the iplayer this week as well as it being repeated on BBC19, but can’t really say it’s been as impressive as the Seven Ages of Rock series. But at least the BBC have taken up the mantle of making programmes of musical interest compared to ITV’s rather shit efforts such as X Factor and Britain’s (Not) Got Talent. Hats off to the Beeb on that one

But, with regards I’m In a Rock N Band, I do (as always) have a few issues with certain elements of the show

Firstly the show that centred on Lead Guitarists was slightly flawed. My reasons are these: the main people who were interviewed on the show were Lead Guitarists. Granted the show was about them (they’d probably enjoyed the attention and the limelight so much) and they were pretty much entitled to their opinions. But, Lead Guitarists would be nothing without their esteemed colleagues on the other side of the stage that are more commonly known as Rhythm Guitarists.

Being an ex-Rhythm King myself I know all Lead guitarists will agree with me here if they have ever played in a band with two guitarists that they are ‘helped out’ greatly by their under-appreciated fellow axe wielding ‘water carriers’.

While I’m on the subject of Lead Guitarists and ‘I’m in a Rock and Roll Band’, I’d also like to add to the fact that (in case it wasn’t already common knowledge) Jeff Beck comes across as one of the biggest bell ends I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. His ego really does seem endless after listening to his comments about Rod Stewart

Finally, as I was guilty of ripping drummers a few months back in my Blog, I would like to share with you a similar jape in the direction of our temperamental cursed diamonds of the Lead guitarist world:

A band goes out one night for a good old band piss up. As the night goes on the drummer, singer, bass player and rhythm guitarist all return home and have an early night. About 4 in the morning they are all woken up by the lead guitarist. As they open the window they ask him for an explanation. He replies with “sorry, I came in with the wrong key”

To be honest, I’m I a Rock N Roll Band, although not the best the BBC has produced hasn’t been a bad series in general. It’s contained some interesting guests, but, to be a bit over critical her, most of the stories they have told aren’t really ‘news’.

Take the stories about Keith Moon driving his car into a swimming pool – old news and not really relevant to what drummers are (and should be) famed for. Other examples being Toy Iomi losing his finger in an industrial accident when he was young and Ozzy Osborne shooting a gang of chickens when he was off his head! (Pity it wasn’t his wife really)

All of these stories are firmly edged into rock folk law, but they are also old hat and, it has to be said, somewhat annoyingly repetitive. It reminds me of the Brummie Roadie from Wayne’s World telling his predictable yarn about separating different coloured M&M’s for Ozzy as he was refusing to take to the stage

Another thing that TV documentaries do that get on my nerves is the constant sunshine blowing up rock star’s arses they tend to do. The amount of waxing lyrical some of the interviewers do can sometimes border on embarrassment. The way I see it, if they want someone to conduct an interview that is credible and not cringe able, they should find someone neutral and knowledgeable. Zane Lowe would be an ideal candidate in my opinion as he has vast music knowledge and I think he is also one of the few journalists who most musicians have a lot of respect for

So, where do TV companies go from now when it comes to producing Music Documentaries? Obviously it is going to have to be something original as the over-exposure some of them show these days (especially towards the eighties) is becoming rather tedious and extremely boring

My idea would be more genuine fan’s input instead of the constant and rather tedious views of Paul Morley and Bob Mills banging on about how great The Clash were would be a perfect start!

Yawn

Mol

Lives in a house, very big house, in the country

Jesus Christ! How the fuck did we get to this pretty ashamed stage were rock stars become so god awfully boring???

I’ve just finished reading (wasting a good twenty minutes of my life) an article interviewing Brain May of Queen. I’ve never really been a big fan of Queen, but I’m always willing to read any article interviewing rock’s ‘aristocracy’ and in typical true form I realised one thing – he is a true boring rock dinosaur!

I also had a read of his Blog that was mentioned in the interview boringly titled Brian’s Soapbox. In it he has a moan (as we all do) not about his dodgy Barnet or Freddie Mercury’s death, but astrology, the weather and fox and badger hunting! Fucking badger hunting! Hahaha, Jesus Christ!

Gone are the days of chasing dwarfs carrying tray loads of cocaine at Queen after show parties and landing at concerts in elaborate helicopters! These days it’s more important for him to study the stars and fret over the lack of rain his much cherished lawn isn’t receiving let alone the amount of fucking badgers there are being killed! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!

So, what is it that suddenly turns these once lunatics into serious drab bastards? Personally I don’t know the answer as 1. I don’t know any aging rock stars and 2. I’ve never been one, but I suspect it has something to do with age.

Another example of boring rock stars has to be awarded to Chris Martin of Coldplay! This is the guy who epitomises the ‘nice guy’ of music. A true dullard! I may have mentioned this before, but does anyone actually know why this boring man actually puts different coloured tape around his fingers? Are they to remind him what bins to put out in the morning or what vegetable diet his kids are having the next day?

I remember when rock stars used to be feared creatures who wouldn’t think twice about booting a new born kitten down the stairs or throw half of South America up their noses and do the same the next day (if they could find a kitten, or course). Sadly the corporate, squeaky clean pop stars of today have taken over and it’s almost become acceptable to be a nice young chap your mum would be glad you brought home for tea! The kind of tit who spends six weeks in Simon Cowell’s (tax free) chateau learning how to sing (when he’s not tampering with their voice – allegedly)

Now, compare these ‘pussy cats’ to someone like the legendary GG Allin for example. Here was probably the biggest lunatic in music who had many songs such as Suck My Ass It Smells and I Wanna Piss On You. He used to beat his own head so much with his microphone that he used to bleed a hell of a lot. He also used to fight with the fans at his gigs and also take a shit on stage and then pick it up and throw it at them! Hahahaha

Now, I’m not asking the likes of Brian may or Chris Martin to suddenly start throwing their own shit around the O2 Arena all of a sudden, but it would be nice for them to stop being, well, so nice!

Don’t grow up chaps

Mol