Grow Up, Axl

Guns N’ Roses returned to the fray last week with a headlining slot at Reading and Leeds’ V festival. And, as is always the case with them, they were late on stage for both occasions. No doubt this had something to do with Axl Rose’s ability to get under people’s skin just for the hell of it – he’s like that!

Axl, Real name – Bill Bailey, really is one serious fucking pain in the arse that has ruffled more than a few feathers in his time in music! He even had the nerve to wait for seventeen years before he released the follow up to Use Your Illusion with the rather pitiful Chinese Democracy (the title being rather absurd as well!) on top of this were many stories in Slash’s autobiography about the personal vendetta he took out against him on a level with Psychiatric Persecution! Can’t see why as Slash does come across as a sort of decent chap

So, to Reading and the ‘problems’ caused by Poor Little Axl. They were told by the organisers that if they didn’t go on stage within an hour they wouldn’t be paid. So, what does Axl and his gang of ‘Fake Roses’ do? That’s right – they go on after a fifty eight minute wait! What a fucking utter prick! Of course, Axl tried his best to turn the tables and blamed the promoters, but i don’t think anyone (including me) bought his story. Typical Axl if you ask me

These actions are nothing more than a silly little man who is hell bent on being awkward. There is absolutely no need for his actions what so ever and any musician who you play on the same bill with will tell you the exact same thing = you don’t run over your allotted time

Finally, I think you’d all like to know that when Guns N Roses first started, Axl changed his ‘name’ to W Axl Rose (his initials spelling out – WAR). Personally I think he should have changed it to Wholly Annoying Retard!

Whopper!

Mol

Is X Factor Killing Music?

Yup! It’s that time of year again people – X Factor Season. It’s also Muskets at dawn gentlemen

Now - My point. Don’t worry, its coming, but before I start, I would like to explain the reason behind this Blog. It’s basically about X Factor and the purpose its serves. It’s not about a personal attack on one person’s beliefs against another’s. It’s about standing up for your opinion. It’s about appreciating and recognising all things that you deem to be tasteful. It’s about fighting your corner. I think you get the picture.

Anyway, everyone’s favourite game show – X Factor, was on the subject table on Saturday night of a few months back and I agreed with a good friend of mine that we would write up our thoughts and publish it this here Blog. In the red (good) corner was yours truly, standing up for all things right, tasteful and good in music. In the blue (bad) corner was the pantomime villain in the shape of my good mate Stephen. Anyway, things got a bit heated when we began talking about X Factor and, as is usually the case, opinions were formed.

So, without further ado, I give you the ‘for’ and the ‘against’. You can probably guess who I’m siding with...

I would like to start this ‘battle’ with a famous quote from the late great Bill Hicks. He used to start his stand up shows using the line ““I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out”. I loved that about Hicks (you don’t hear many Scousers saying that these days) as the man was a true original. He was a shining beacon of taste and everything that was good about modern society that ‘stands up to the man’. He hated conformists and everything that was bad and rotten to the core about money in show business, politics and everyday life. In other words – he thought, breathed and believed independently. You don’t see that much these days. What he would have thought of X Factor, if he were still alive, would have made dynamite reading and would have probably lead to the first ever arrest for a comedian!

Everyone who reads this Blog pretty much knows my utter distain for X Factor, people who like it and everything it stands for. You really could say I fucking hate it and that’s only the half of it! I won’t really bore you with the details as you’ve all read it before, but when someone comes along (a trusted alley and confidant of all things tasteful – you think) and starts defending the man in the white t-shirt and spray on kecks, I can do nothing but scratch my head in utter disbelief.

But! And it’s a big fucking but, when the person in question starts applauding Cowell and the likes of Walsh, Minogue and Cheryl (“ah love ye”) Cole because of the supposed money they make that trickles back into the music industry makes my heart truly ache!

Obviously, I have not got access to Cowell’s bank account as I’m not George Abdgwengo from Fonejacker and simply can’t bring up his entire ‘monies’ at the blink of an eye, but I do want you to answer me this: do you think Simon Cowell is willing to share his wealth with the rest of the music industry? My answer – no! The simple reason being this – he is a shameless capitalist who is more interested in buying a new yacht instead of ‘putting his money back into the record industry’. It is plain and simple bullshit of the highest order to think this ‘man’ is willing to invest/share his monies (George again) with the struggling band/A&R man/manager/promoter). In other words he is simply in it to boost his own personal finances and celebrity status. And by the way, this is simply my opinion and not fact based as; obviously, Cowell doesn’t publish his accounts for the public to feast their eyes on. He’s not that stupid and for that, on this one rare occasion, I’ll give him that one.

As regards the show itself, you only have to look at the upheaval in the ‘winners’ personal lives to realise it is nothing short of show-biz water torture. Some are to blame for being and acting so desperate, but others aren’t – the people who create the show along with its over-emotional roller coaster train crash outpourings of supposed sympathy that fills me with so much rage I have to go and have a shave with a dry razor! (I’ll come onto Cheryl Cole’s crocodile tears a bit later)

Now, I know she wasn’t on X Factor as she was on another very similar ‘sister’ programme called Britain’s Got Talent (still makes me laugh even when I say it to myself to be honest), but it might help to look at the rather unfortunate case of Susan Boyle as an example. Here was a woman (we think) with obvious slight learning difficulties and a rather dodgy appearance that, let’s be honest here, people laughed at. I know I did as well as many others reading this so please don’t say you never. So, what do Cowell and his merry gang of make-up artists do? That’s right - they make her look ‘acceptable’ to the public

Gone is the caterpillar that used to sit where her eye brows should have been and hey ho! A modern day all singing all dancing beautiful butterfly who is instantly dangled in front of the nations eyes and immediately yanks on everyone’s heart strings (not mine though it has to be said). As regards her new ‘look’, personally, I wouldn’t shag her now as my bird has a rather fetching set of eyebrows that I can play with any time I want. But is it really necessary to have such drastic changes to your physical appearance just because you have become some sort of star?

Now, I don’t want to bang on about Susan Boyle’s grid, but to be brutally honest with you here I’d find it pretty patronising, shocking and damn right disgusting if someone suggest I go for a makeover if I had aspirations of becoming famous. I know many of you would think it would be a change for the better for me, but that’s between me and my stylist and frankly none of your bleedin’ business.

Going back to the main protagonist here – Cowell. This man really is a piece of work. He has always reminded me of a far more sinister version of a cross between Michael Douglas’ character in Wall Street – Gordon Gecko and some sort of South American cocaine dealer from Miami Vice. In between having an entire house packed full of black t shirts and bathroom cabinets rammed full of teeth whitening kits, does anyone think the man does anything else to help out the music industry to keep its wheels turning? My opinion (not fact, Ste) is no.

May I also point out that it’s also a very interesting point here to note that Cowell’s other main supply of riches is a programme called Britain’s Got Talent. It’s also very interesting that Cowell chooses to class himself as “non domical” in order for himself to avoid paying tax in Britain. So much for that money trickling down into the music industry eh? He’ll be funding the Tory party the way he’s going.

So, I will finish with what we initially set out to do and try and come up with an answer to our question – is X Factor killing music? The simple answer is No! It is not killing music, the answer is this – it HAS KILLED music! My reason – well, I do have time. Whether you guys do is another question.

So let’s look at the world of music before X Factor. Of course, we had talent shows on telly, but I believed they have raised the bar so much that the shows of yester year have become barely recognisable to the point that they are simply irrelevant! As for the affect on music, it’s as disturbing a Susan Boyle eyebrows!

So, as always, I seemed to have wondered a bit and not got down to the nitty gritty of what this whole Blog idea was about: is X Factor killing music? Well, I think there’s no shadow of a doubt that it is killing music. To understand this we have to look at the basic building blocks on what music is built: vision, innovation and most important of all (IMO) originality.

The reasons these three ingredients are so important to music is because music has always found a way to progress, a way to advance and a way to surprise the ears of the music buying public. Some people who possess taste don’t want to buy the same old shit churned out by X Factor. And I know the majority of people don’t want to hear shit cover versions of great songs being butchered time and again (Leonard Cohen’s Halleluiah being an example), but I’m afraid these people are few and far between and are reduced to taking their music underground far away from the eyes and ears of the public. Nothing wrong with that,

As regards the ingredients I have just mentioned, X Factor simply has none of these at all. One of the reasons being that none of the contestants (and that’s what they are) sing (or attempt to sing) anything original. When (and of course – if) they ‘make it big’ they then go onto sing nothing original and finally, when they are singing cabaret in Butlin’s in the final throws of extreme alcohol addiction and contemplating suicide, they continue to sing nothing original. Two (or is it one entity) words – Jed wood! Personally I only have to look at them two fake laboratory experimental plastic horrible horrible horrible twats to make my blood boil to apocalyptic levels that makes my soul want to jump out of my body and go and live in an eternal hell-like fire cave for the rest of its sorry existence!

And while I’m on the subject of seriously tooth-tingling annoying cunts, I have three words to rattle your bones – “it Chico time” – the less said about that fucking spastic the better!

To add further fire to the flames on this subject, during last year’s series they even rolled out a bunch of washed up (in Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey’s cases(s) – fucked up) singers to sing their back catalogue as inspiration to the then contestants! They even asked them to be mentors during their ‘boot camp’ week away in Simon Cowell’s Barbados Villa. Now, can you really imagine taking words of advice from Robbie UFO Spotter Williams about ‘the path to fame’ that they walked? Er, no thanks mate that would be like taking advice from Alex Ferguson on how to accept defeat gracefully!

Aaaaaaaaaaand, breathe

Now, I know I’ve made this point before on the countless Blogs about X Factor and your probably sick of me going on about it, but I’m not one to shy away from my guns when my back is against the wall on this subject, but the part of X Factor that really grinds on my shells if the Instant Famers (as I like to refer to them as).

This is truly from the heart here but there are people all around the world who learn to play guitar, play the drums, god there’s even lunatics who learn how to play the bass! But it’s seen as admirable to many people and holds certain kudos in whatever walk of life you choose to take. It’s something you can hold your head up high about. Something your friends admire about you. Something to truly be proud of and say - “I did that. I learnt that myself, it might have taken years, but I learnt that”. But on the other hand Instant Famers, in my opinion are greedy media whores who would gladly trample over the smouldering ashes of their newly cremated grandmother to have their ‘fifteen minutes’ and it’s as simple as that! Fame, to them, is everything. And that’s not just the talentless mugs who take part in Cowell’s Capitalist Road show – it’s also the judges. Cheryl Cole – Britain’s new Queen of Hearts? Anyone? Ah never mind, “ah still luv ye”

So there you have it. That’s my side and you know what? I’ll stick to it until my dying day as there’s one thing I’ll always say:

Life’s too short for shit music

Then again, X Factor is here to stay. But you can do something about it. You know what you have to do

Your country needs you!

Mol

Here's a Concept for Ye ...

A lot has been written lately with regards to the re-emergence of The Concept Album. And in true music fashion it’s a case of what goes around comes around coming around again (if you catch my drift?)

When people instantly think of concept albums they think of men with obscure shaped beards who wear tank tops called Clive and Roger who have a liking for real ale and stroking their beards in a ponderous fashion.

The obvious albums from the obvious bands are of course Pink Floyd. Dark Side of the Moon 1973, Wish You Were Here 1975 and The Wall 1979 were fine albums there is no doubt about that. Other examples you could say were The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars by David Bowie and Quadrophenia by The Who But in my opinion all these albums come across as a bit dated and a bit wooded! Harsh words I’m sure you’ll agree, but concept albums about social commentary (as I’ve just mentioned with the Arctic Monkeys) is a lot harder to write about that social issues such as stress, money and love wouldn’t you agree?

One concept album that gave birth (no pun by the way) to the new breed of annoying female singers singing about their ‘broken hearts’ and ‘lost loves’ (Cheryl Cole, Alexander Burke, etc, etc) was Alanis Morrisette’s debut Jagged Little Pill. The floodgates (no pun, again) certainly did open after that and songs and albums by female singers became pretty much the norm after that. Pretty boring and extremely dull bullshit as well if you ask me! ‘Love’ Concept albums from then on have took somewhat of a nose-dive. It’s a pity Alanis Morrisette’s ex squeeze didn’t fuck off with someone else really isn’t it?

Until 2005 that is

Anyway, let me take you back to 1956. And before you ask, no I wasn’t a teenager then! Ye cheeky bastards! Haha

“Whatever people say I am that’s what I’m not” – that was a line from the famous 1960 film Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. The film was based around a young scaly wag played by Albert Finney called Arthur who loved nothing better than getting blitzed during the weekend and being a general nuisance to his neighbours and family. In the film he also got ‘involved’ with a married woman, got her up the duff, made her have an abortion and eventually got his head kicked in her husband’s army buddies.

Now, turn the clock forward a few decades and take a bunch of (similar) Northern Scaly wags writing songs about a night out in a northern town about fights, birds, boozing and other general stuff most teenagers get up to of a weekend and there you have it = a perfect modern day concept album. If you have any doubt at what I’m on about here, you only have to watch the film to see the connections between it and Arctic Monkeys debut album. It really is quite splendid

Another example of a superb modern day concept album from 2005 is Funeral by Arcade Fire. This, in my opinion, is a quite stunning album about the death of a number of family members during a terrible winter. If you don’t own a copy i’d suggest you do.

But In my opinion the Arctic Monkeys have got the concept (I suppose you could say) of concept albums absolutely spot on as I feel young people and indie music lovers in general have adopted it into their realms with open arms instead of it manifesting in the doldrums of Prog Rock like it has always been! !

Can see them cultivating their beards though

Mol

But Seriously, Tommy (or is it Johnny?)

So, Tom Jones – bit of a transformation that isn’t it?

In case you haven’t heard it yet, Tom Jones has released a new album entitled Praise and Blame. On the album he has recorded a few old Dylan tracks with a rather ‘different’ style. So I’d like to know why the Welsh Wizard has suddenly turned himself into some sort of serious, dark-figured, god-fearing gospel singing angel of the dark side.

For years Tom Jones has been the darling of the showbiz circuit singing cover version duet after duet with people like (fellow Welshmen and women) The Steroephonics and Cerys Matthews from Catatonia. A ‘safe’ bet I suppose you could say that would without doubt guaranteed a top ten position in the album and single charts. If he’s not been doing that he’s probably been performing at a royal variety performance or some other shit TV appearance with Ant and Dick or that cockney Spiv Jonathan Woss!

Now, don’t get me wrong here chaps, I kind of like Tom’s new ‘style’, but it has to be said here – I think he’s been listening to too many Johnny Cash songs

So, why the sudden change? Maybe years of women (including my elder sister) throwing their Rigoberts at him, constant requests for “The Green Green Grass” and shit jokes about his most famed hit record have finally tipped him over the edge!

This man has finally been turned from pantomime horse into a true, gritty hard-faced bastard from the valleys and flashed his big welsh middle finger to the conformist world of show-biz (a very familiar stance adopted by a certain Johnny Cash wouldn’t you say?)

But, good on the Welsh Wizard for his new adoption of sound as this kind of metamorphosis is very rare to say the least

Then again, it’s not unusual ye know?

Apologies

Mol

Live Aided Many But Sir Bob Was Shining Light

So, did Live Aid change the world? It certainly changed music … and a lot of people’s careers

Live Aid was one of them events of the modern era that everyone remembered where they were. A bit like when JFK was shot, September 11^th and Raul Moat’s recent public execution

I remember watching Live Aid on video (it was a long time ago) in my mates house when I was thirteen. He’d recorded it the week before and I remember sitting there with his parents and sisters when half way through, I think it was when Spandau Ballet were on, a giant black cock appeared with a young ladies lips wrapped around it and here head bobbing up and down (you get the picture). Turned out his sister’s boyfriend taped over it with a porno for a laugh. That was a pretty uncomfortable moment to be honest as I turned to their parents with their gobs wide open in utter disbelief!

Anyway: getting back to the event.

Live Aid was twenty five years ago this week in Wembley Stadium on what turned out to be a scorcher of a day! A few rock stars of the day including Midge Ure and Bob Geldof organised this live event that was aimed at bringing aid to starving kids in Ethiopia. But one of the many things that happened that day did bring much need … to the ailing rock bands of the time!

Many of the day’s main acts including U2, Dire Straits and Queen turned into some of biggest acts on the planets as a result of Live Aid. Before that Dire Straits were teetering in the brink of superstardom (you could say – in Dire Straits), Queen were considered ‘past it’ and U2 were, well just another Irish rock band with a complete twat for a lead singer (why he still insists on getting young women out of the crowd to dance with him today is still way beyond my comprehension). Bad mullet as well!

With regards to the far reaching events of the day, music had tuned into International global audiences viewing international global events for the first time. Although a few technical difficulties needed to be solve first. After that – stadium rock was well and truly born along with the afore mentioned band’s new found stomping grounds for bringing in the money and enhancing their reputations

But, for me, there is one individual that really stands out for me after Live Aid. He is the one true shining individual of the day. A monster of a man. A beacon of light in a world of dark, greedy capitalism. A true hero = Sir Bob Geldof!

Here was a man who didn’t really care what people though of his personal appearance or what he said live on television. Here was a man who is forever known as the man whose wife ran off to shag Michael Hutchence from INXS and having a rather wayward young daughter who is too fond of the paparazzi lens!

On the day itself he sat in the royal box with Charles and Diana in a pair of jeans and a scruffy denim shirt that looked like it’d seen a few sweaty live appearances in its day! He even had the balls to correct Charles when he asked them who that band were (Status Quo) playing first.

And most famous of all, in a remarkable show of passion and damn right whole hearted determination, stamped his fist on the table live on television in front of Millions upon millions of people demanding they “give their money now and don’t go to the pub”.

That for me summed up Sir Bob. He truly believed in the cause after first hand witnessing the suffering in Ethiopia that obviously left its mark on this tough street fighter of a singer from the rough streets of Belfast! In other words = he didn’t give a shit and he didn’t give a shit what people thought of him.

The world needs more people like him!

Long live Sir Bob

Mol

Take Splatt! Ch-Ching

Stop the world, evacuate your towns and prepare yourselves for some really bad new … Robbie is back!

Yes, that’s right people, what every woman in Britain aged forty to fourteen has been waiting for: Take Splatt have fully re-formed! You can almost feel the dampness on the undergarments and the sudden over-excited piss-stains appearing in their jeans already!

Before I continue with what you will probably already predict from my newly sharpened mouse, I’d like to thank my wonderful sister for adding me to the Take Splat mailing list in the early nineties. The postcards in the hall were a particular embarrassment when my mates knocked round. Cheers for that luv! Haha

So, Robbie, Mark, Jason, Gary and that gimp who sounds like he’s sucking on a piece of tree bark have decided to make themselves whole again. Interesting that they have cited their reasons for getting it on again as purely professional and “for the great songs they have stored up”. Hahahahaha, don’t make me fucking laugh

There is one reason and one reason only they have re-formed and it’s as plain as the big gay nose on the end of their big gay faces – money!

Anyone who is taken in by this bullshit these five blerts have come out with about it being “about the music” needs to go and have their craniums examined and book themselves in for a full lobotomy!

The only negotiations they have been sorting out before they announced their news is how much they can get in endorsements from the likes of Pepsi, Sky and any other gang of corporate wankers willing to pay them far too much money for their services!

Take Splatt are nothing short of media whore corporate slags who are willing to sell their souls to the devil in return for fame and fortune. If you don’t believe me do a quick Google search of Robbie Williams last record deal and then have a listen to the SHIT he released in return!

You will be truly shocked

Take that … and FUCK OFF!!!

Mol

Festival of Cheap Talk

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you wake up in the middle of the night, hot, sweaty, extremely anxious and your bed having the trade mark resonance of a Dutch Oven? That’s how I felt the other night when I woke up and realised the hot and sweaty months of summer are well and truly upon us

Anyway, before you ask, I hadn’t shit the bed, it was something more terrible – I realised its music festival season! Great!

These days people don’t really need to go to festivals such as Glastonbury, Isle of White and the ‘V’s’ as ITV and BBC pretty much have every base covered when it comes to their coverage

But the really shit thing about the coverage these two channels and many others have of these events are the endless amounts of arse licking the interviewers do to the musicians they have on their show

An example of this was me watching the NME channel the other day at the Download Festival. The cameras were backstage and they were interviewing Taylor Hawkins from Foo Fighters. He was sat there in his typical rock star pose, slouched in his chair, Aviator shades on, beer in hand (plastic cup, of course) talking about how he got there (flight), what he had for tea (sandwich), how long he slept on the plane for (five hours), where he got his wellies from (some hippy guy gave him them), who he was gonna ‘hang with’ (the list was too long, but let’s just say his feet must have been really sorry after all the names he dropped).

Anyway, by this time, in between serious fits of yawning, he relentlessly (what most Americans do) went on and on and on and on and I thought to myself what a load of fucking utter rubbish! Who really wants to know all this shit apart from celebrity obsessives and other rock stars? I eventually came to the one conclusion that was all rock stars are utterly boring self-absorbed bastards who are about as exciting as listening to an Athlete album!

But, going back to the intrepid roving reporter. There’s something that bugs me about them and the way they stick their microphones where they shouldn’t and it’s the pure look of star struck dumbness that comes over them while their subjects are telling them about what they had for dinner, who they met on the plane, who they’d like t o shag, etc, etc, etc!!!

Personally, I don’t get it; it’s like a real life version of Face book with a set of boring, friendly generic questions constantly reeled out time after time guaranteed not to offend. Dull dull fucking dull!!!

Now before you all start calling me a grumpy bastard (again) I would like to point out that not all British Music festivals are shit. Glastonbury, thanks to the father and daughter partnership of the Eavis family, has independently maintained their festival for over forty years without it being over taken by the massive corporations such as the V’s and T in the Park for example. You have to take your hat off to them for that

But that’s not my ‘beef’; my beef is with the constant shit that the TV companies do whilst covering these events

I firmly believe the producers of these programmes that order their presenters to mix it in the mud for a few days with the ‘stars’ they have to chase are told to over-sensationalize them to the point that many people/fans see these musicians as some sort of god-like figures

It’s nothing short of pathetic and another example of fame being all about smoke and mirrors

Until the summers over, I suggest you either attend one of these music festivals or turn off the telly and go and live in a tent until the autumn

Leave the willies in the shed though!

Mol