Judge Dread!

 

 

It’s that time of year again – yup! We all know it, its time to lock up your talent and let loose the river of shit! Old Tight Kex is back with his box-head haircut and his 24/7 tan - Its X Factor time. This time though, its not really all about him

 

I get the feeling this year’s primary talent show has the focus more on the so called judges instead of the ‘acts’. It’s taking Celebrity Life to a whole new uber-level of un-touchable and glitzy status!

 

So! Let’s have a closer look at the Brilliantine Judges

 

First up its Gary Barlow – Ah! Gary – the Queen’s favourite songwriter and all round Housewive’s Choice. The Alan Hansen of the music world you could say!

 

Now, we all know he’s had a pretty rough ride of late with his missus giving birth to a still born kid, which, to be honest, he’s dealt with pretty good if you believe everything you read in your daily Bullshit Red Top. But, why the fuck do people like him and other assorted members of the glitterati have to do Hello & Ok magazine ‘exclusives’ telling people about their grief! WE FUCKING KNOW THAT YOUR PROBABLY IN A BAD PLACE!!! They’re hardly gonna be throwing a Happy Fucking Still Born Party is he? (Bet Musical Chairs was off the menu for one of the party games – think about it). The other side of this sorry escapade is the rather sick situation of the couple posing for photos! “Come on Gary, gimme Sad, gimme grief” – pretty disturbing stuff if you ask me!

 

But, the one thing that really gets my goat about Cuddly Gary is the grimace his fucking Dial pulls not just some of the time, but ALL OF THE TIME!  Gary smiles – same face! Gary is sad – same face! Gary has an Ertha – same face! Gary has a Joddrell – same face! (Not that I’ve seen this may I point out) It’s like his face has been melted in time to never ever move! It resembles some sort of David Cronenberg Horror film special effect botox overload or a certain freaky cast member of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Then again, the sound of Leatherface chasing some screaming bird through the woods with a chainsaw and the sound of Gary Barlow’s voice have very little difference between them if you really think about it!

 

Nicole Scherzinger . Probably the ultimate self-centred Glamour Puss there is in the world of Pop Music right now (apart from Cheryl “ah Love ye” Cole).

 

This is the same bird who decided to fuck Lewis Hamilton off as soon as he started to drive shit and fell out of the limelight! But, as soon as Hamilton sacked his dad as his manager and hired the rather appropriately named XIX Entertainment as his Management Company, he has suddenly been catapulted to the same level of celebrity his (then) ex-bird was at. The result – that’s right, all is rosy in the garden of Hamilton & Swerzinger and the love birds are back to the normal routine of being spotted at every glamour party ‘the circuit’ will have them at.

 

As for her Singing career, I can’t not possibly comment on that as, to be brutally honest here as I have never ever heard her or her ‘band’ sing. That is all I can really say apart from the fact that their studio ‘music’ will no doubt  involve a large degree of quantizing and auto-tuning due to the fact that they probably sound like a small kitten being gang raped by a pack of sex-starved cougars!! (once again – see Cheryl “ah love ye” Cole)

 

Louis Walsh. Good old Louis - The campest Leprechaun to ever grace the Emerald Isle. To be honest here, if it wasn’t for his vision in signing the like of Westlife and the other bunch of talent-less Irish twats, Cowell would never have possessed the business acumen to ‘create’ such bands like Little Mix and One Direction guaranteeing him Zillions of pounds in the process.

 

But, I’m not gonna sit here and gladly suck on Louis’s Blarney Stone here as there is one thing really fucking annoying about this Beaut – why the fuck does he always have to ‘pick a fight’ with the other judges? I know most of it is probably blag and plainly for the cameras, but you do get the feeling he would cause murder in an empty room.

 

Then again, the X Factor studio will do nicely! (Execution Factor – anyone?)

 

Now, I’m no expert here but, as you all know I’d rather watch Gary Neville comb his wig all night whilst wearing a Mankini instead of watching X Factor, but their recent fall from grace, I suppose you could say, is maybe down to the above facts!

 

Having said that, In my opinion the public are pretty fucking sick to death of listening to the same old shit year in year fucking out, so the only thing certain drones who are used to watching that shit want to see is ‘top class’ celebrities taking the piss out of said retards who think they can sing!

 

Seeing celebrities posing on a so called talent show showing off how fit, great and wealthy they are has sadly become the norm and that being the ‘in thing to do’!!

 

The world really is in trouble as is the future of music and light entertainment!

 

God help us!

 

 

 

 

Mol

 

 

 

Does Hell Exist? – We’re Certainly Not Far From It!

Earth 2032, the final strands of the resistance are crushed and music lovers all over the world now receive their music through one channel only – legal downloads of mind-implanted MP3’s provided by one massive music corporation (maybe called Sony-Cowell Corp for arguments sakes) where the only music available is from artists currently signed to that label – everything else is illegal! (You could say a Fahrenheit 451-like world except no one is burnt alive only tortured through the obvious ear-bleeding torture of having to listen to the above label’s artists)

I’m sure we would all agree this is the perfect vision of hell for all lovers of tasteful music and beyond! But, what I would like to ask here is how much of this far-fetched fictional story could well become non-fiction? In my opinion – we’re half way there!!

Does anyone remember when the world of music used to be an exciting, individual, none-generic free place? I do, and I pray it will return one day. Sadly, we are nearing this place at a very steady pace!

Now, I’m not gonna rattle on about how much I hate the likes of X Factor, Take Splatt and the army of other factory generated teeny boppers’ wet dreams that are out there as you already know that! But, I am gonna talk about the current influence they have over the majority of these ‘people’ when it comes to buying music and other associated products that they endorse.

An example of what I’m on about is currently being acted out in the Olympics that are taking place in our country. At the glorious corporate games you are currently only allowed to eat a certain fast food product at event arenas. There are also stories about people not being able to buy certain food, drink and other merchandise without possessing a certain well known credit card and not with cash!

Now, I know the Olympics have very little to do with the far world of music, but if you look at today’s breed of popular musicians/bands you often get the feeling they do their full time jobs part time as the majority of their time they spend promoting perfumes, sports products and other assorted trinkets that they receive vast amounts of money for.

To me, this only adds to one thing – their ‘part time’ job (musician) creates nothing but pure shite! The only reason they sell so many records is because they are famous beyond belief and that you see images of them everywhere endorsing above mentioned products. In other words – you really can’t escape them in your every day life as you are beaten into submission to actually knowing and hearing these musicians/bands music. The words – ‘you can’t win’ springs to mind (or if you were a Trekky like me “resistance is futile”)

So, back to my initial point about there being only one all-powerful music label that releases ALL music to the world and bans any other music from the past and present (they are currently know as independent labels and music shops). Their wheels rely heavily on promotion and promoting their music with the help of famous people and other z-list celebrities who gladly suck the balls of any executive who waves a massive cheque under their eyes for their ‘services’ thus helping the lovely, harmless, fluffy bunny world of the nice risk-free world of pop music continues to live happily ever after.

This is not a brave new world, this is a world where no one gets angry, no one causes a scandal, no one swears, no one fights, no one sleeps with sleazy groupies, no one sleeps with their best friend’s wife, no one EVER drinks or takes drugs and most important of all – no one ever makes a fool of themselves!! Which brings me nicely to my next point...?

Does anyone remember the days when certain musicians wouldn’t really give a fuck about making a fool of them selves on stage? Or, more to that fact – being humiliated on stage by a fan who had for example thrown a drink or other assorted delicacies sold in the auditorium they didn’t feel like eating? (I remember seeing Arthur Lee’s teeth fall out one night. He simply picked them up and carried on playing his mouth organ) However, they were rare days when the band/musician and the audience had a special relationship. You could call it mutual respect. Or a marriage of convenience   

These days never mind throwing food or beverages at some sexy, shiny superstar on stage!! If you ever managed to get within ten feet of these detached demy-gods you will certainly have your collar felt by some steroid-with the chance of losing a few teeth or the possibility of breaking a limb!!

Now, I know you think I’m going on a bit here and having a moment, but if you go back to the start of this story and really THINK about what that world would be like to live in and listen to music in – I’d say that was a perfect vision of hell! But, what can we collectively do about it? Well, there are a number of solutions which I have thought of:

1. Support local music and local music venues! Stay away from ‘big’ venues that promote ‘big’ bands/musicians that rely on ‘big’ sponsorship!!! They are run by and support the Devil himself! – fact!!!

2. Go to your local independent record shop and buy something you’ve never heard before. It may turn out to be shit, it may not! The point is you DID IT!  I’ll guarantee you will feel good about yourself and you will receive some sort of absolution for all those shite records you bought that you thought were cool at the time when you also thought ‘Juice’ and ‘Naf Naf’ sweatshirts were cool! (Ben – stop laughing and take a look in your wardrobe ye wool)

3.  Do not in any way what so ever purchase, promote, big up or be associated with any music that has the slightest link or association with Simon Cowell and his business ‘partners’ as you are not doing yourself any favours regarding your own street-cred and are only fanning the flames of initial story of this Blog (see top)

So, all things said, I would like to say I know we can’t change all of the future, but we can certainly shape which way it may head weather it be bad or good ... I’m hoping it’s good

Go forth

Peace

Mol

A Cast of Scouse Power

It’s been a pretty tough week to be a Scouser having to bear the brunt of losing one of their own and having to put up with rife speculation for the successor to The King! But there was a chink of light on the horizon tonight in the form of true working class heroes of Merseyside!

Although simmering nicely today, the Liverpool music scene has never really replicated the fruitful period of the early to mid nineties when bands such as Shack, Space and The Real People ruled the waves! But, tonight the real heroes of the Liverpool music scene, Cast, we’re back!

The night started off in fine style having met up with a few associated lunatics in The Casa! (“Munich! Munich!” was the chant of the night courtesy of Messers Markey & Hayden). Catching the first half of Chelsea v Bayern seemed only right to do even if it did involve me being compared to Frank Ribery by someone who hardly resembles George Clooney himself!! (Ahem)

Arriving at the venue had a taste of meeting up with an old flame! So many familiar faces with a few extra wrinkles we’re welcome to see. Sadly, the sight of a few ‘indie granddads’ with their expanding waistlines and skin tight Fred Perry jumpers were not so welcome! But it was ‘good to be back’ in the sweaty environment of the Liverpool University

Cast took to the stage with two new tracks from their latest album Troubled Times and chugged along nicely! The ship was sailing pretty well like a well-oiled steam boat! Then came the news from Munich we all wanted to hear – one nil to Bayern! The roar from the crowd was quickly followed by John Power strapping on his mighty Telecaster and banging out, in my opinion, Cast’s finest song – Sandstorm! The only down side was an equaliser from Chelsea’s famous actor! But we weren’t down beat as some of the best indie songs of the nineties such as ‘Alright’, ‘Walk Away’ and ‘Fine Time’ were to follow! (Even a full pint of warmish beer down the back of my neck wasn’t to spoil my mood

A few new tracks followed which kind of killed the mood a bit which was dampened even further with the news that the most negative team in Europe had won on penalties! (I’m sure we’ll never hear the last of that one even though they remain the ONLY team from London to lift the European Cup)

Apart from the ever continuing metamorphosis from John power to Lee Mavers and a wonderful ending drum solo courtesy of the brilliantly talented Keith O’Neill, one thing remained in the memory about the night – in troubled times (sorry for the pun) the people of Liverpool really do come together and know how to celebrate their own in their own special way! Take stock, take the piss and laugh about it! Combine that with a Cast performance that whiffed of spit ‘n sawdust and you have Liverpool on a plate! A Bastian of invincibility – to quote another famous son of our city!

Finally, with regards to the band themselves, you could say Cast weren’t really back with a bang, but more of a mini rocket you get from the offey for two quid for a pack of five! Some re-forming acts get a bit of stick these days as the truth is the majority of them do it simply for financial gain, but with Cast you get the feeling they do it for more than that! They do, and always have had, a have a feel of ‘band of the people’ about them. That is sadly lacking in most re-formed bands of the nineties!

Some say Cast may be too old to cut the mustard! A tad harsh to be honest, but they can certainly lick the jar!

Then again, I guess I’m alright! I know they are!

Mol

Theres Only One Direction - Down!

So, One Direction are currently bigger than The Beatles?? Oh how I laughed!!!

As most of you probably already know this week, whilst thoroughly pissing myself laughing, the cuddly little pre-pubescent One Direction ‘cracked’ America and got to number one spot on the Bill Board top 100 (I was trying not to do my Casey Casem impression while typing then) which brought comment from various music journalists to draw comparison with The Beatles!

Thousands of fat American kids flocked to see them playing sold out concerts in … er, sorry, let me re-phrase that – thousand of fat American kids flocked to see them in shopping malls playing (miming, no doubt) one song whilst people bought their designer jeans and a hamburger, milkshake and fries with a free bout of obecity thrown in for good measure

To even call One Erection a band is totally against the meaning of the term ‘Band’ anyway – they are not a band, they nothing short than an experiment cooked up by desperate Music Industry ‘insiders’ to generate one thing – money! (Which the band themselves see about 1% of I’d reckon).

They are like similar to four Justin Beebers bouncing around on stage generating more Teeny Bopper’s vaginal juice than John Holmes did in the seventies!

Now, compare this with the truly great band that are The Beatles! And yes, that sound is the sound of John Lennon and George Harrison turning in their graves!!!!!!

In my opinion the only real comparison is that One Erection and the Beatles are both British! THAT is where the buck stops! Period!

Finally, as this Blog has been about The Beatles and One Direction, I’d just like to mention One Direction’s current standing in the nice, cuddly, corporate, protective, shiny world of pop music compared to one of The Beatles most famous of times when they played on top of a roof with a few out of tune guitars and a couple of amps! Can you really see One Direction doing that these days? I think not! To be honest, they wouldn’t even be allowed within fifty feet of the fire exit in case one of them were to faint with vertigo! (There’s a joke in that somewhere if you think about it)

But, in all seriousness, if One Direction suddenly learnt how to play instruments and, I know I’m pushing the boat out here, write their own songs, I might just give them a wee bit of credit

But of course, pigs might fly! (One Direction – Down!)

Mol

Blurred by the Big Brits Brandishing the Bird!

What a difference a thirteen million world-wide selling album makes eh?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the other night saw the seven millionth annual Adele awards (sponsored by Barclaycard, EDF Energy, McDonalds, Mastercard, Pepsi, Coke, Budweiser, Lloyds TSB, Nike, Adidas, ……. ** snip ** ….. and it has to be said, I have actually gained a bit of respect for the chubby multi-grammy award winner Adele after she flashed the bird to the cameras after the seriously annoying James Corden ushered her off stage due to the late running of the live event. Personally, if I were in Adele’s shoes (although a size 8 might be a bit too small) I’d had knocked the fat tit to the floor due to him being about as funny as waking up with your thumb stuck up a paraplegic’s arse!!!

Another interesting part of the other night’s Adele awards was the story of Ed Sheeran. A remember a few years back writing a Blog entitled “come on my face-book”. In case you never read it (shame on you if you didn’t) the Blog in question was based around Radiohead releasing an album without a record label the need for up and coming artists and bands to go without label representation and simply promote themselves. I had a few disagreements at the time with certain people, but, never being one to say I told you so … I told you so!

Ed Sheeran, in case you didn’t know it, has made his record career out of his own ideas and own self-promotion with the help of Facebook and other Social Networking Channels and, to be honest here, has made a pretty good fist of things. His music isn’t really my cup of tea, but hats off to the young chap for getting off his arse and not wasting his time traipsing around record company after record company knocking on doors and being told to f-off and come back later! An Adele award on the mantle piece is another example of ‘showing the bird’ to the record industry although be it slightly Hippocratic accepting the actual award, but, hey ho!

Also, the Adele awards wouldn’t be the Adele awards without the regular bore mongers that are Warmplay (Coldplay for people reading this Blog for the first time). Yes, the lovely chaps who your Nan would love to see turn up on her doorstep with her granddaughter once again got Vivienne Westwood to design some more ridiculous suits to wear and pose for photos wearing the usual different coloured tape on their fingers. Yawn yawn yawn!!! Boring boring boring! Sleep sleep slllzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ……………….. ** goes to sleep for a million years **

Finally, with regards to the Adele awards, I do have a few issues with a certain band who I (used to) consider one of the finest bands of all time – Blur! The one time four fresh faced cheeky chaps from Essex have made some stunning albums during a quite brilliant career (as well as some brilliant Sol stuff to boot)

Now, we all know about the infamous and rather funny Brit awards of 1995 when Blur scooped the board and Dave Rowntree hilariously wrote “Dave” on the side of his face as a dig at Prince’s “Slave” writing he had shaved into his grid, but I think Blur have grown old un-gracefully. Don’t get me wrong, I think its good news that they re-formed as there are a lot of shit bands who have re-formed and made complete arses of themselves (Black Grape being one IMO).

But what really gets my goat about the whole Blur reunion thing is the sponsor ship that comes with it! Gigs in Hyde Park in association with Vodafone, Virgin, etc, etc absolutely stinks of corporate greed/bullshit! This what I can’t understand about Blur as they certainly don’t need the money and have obviously changed their tune since the days of Damon Albarn voicing his anger towards big business and corporate involvement in music and all things to do with the bail out of the British banks a few years ago! Stinks of hypocrisy if you ask me!

As for their performance, I know they came in for a certain bit of criticism for their ‘rustiness’ during the Adele awards. Alls I can say in their defence is can anyone name a band who has ever performed well during an awards ceremony? Answer = no!

So, apart from ITV showing ‘Brits Extra’, ‘Brits Backstage’, ‘Brits Aftershow’, bowing down to sponsors, Etc, etc, what next for The Brits? To be serious, it needs to BE British for a start! And when I say British, I mean it needs to be less glitzy and glam with a bit more controversy and honesty like Adele did when she was fumbled off stage

As for certain over weight comedians who present the show and shove certain over weight singers off stage – they need to be left at home … chained to the treadmill!!!

Mol

The Grammeys - What a Load of Whit!

I think everyone who reads these (now few and far between) Blogs will know of my utter resentment of award ceremonies. However, there is a special twist to this years award’s as there has been a death in the family! Goodness gracious!

In case you didn’t know, a few days ago Whitney Huston did her best impression of Jim Morrison and bit the dust in the bath! (Please, no missing bodyguard jokes and they’re just not right and they’re certainly not ok!!) … sorry!

Her sad and rather premature (but hardly surprising) death was then, rather obviously, followed by The Grammy Awards were celebrity after celebrity like LL (I’ve suddenly appeared out of the blue after x amount of years because someone famous had died) Cool J stepped up to the podium and said their little piece about the sudden departure of Ms Huston with tear jerking embarrassment that would have woken the speaker of the House of Lords!

So, with so many do-gooders and ‘close friends’ getting up to the Grammy’s Stage and filling more Kleenex’s than a teenager in his bedroom with super fast broadband, I do have one question for these grief-stricken stars who “miss her so much” – where the fuck were you when Whitney Huston was in a dark place injecting drugs and drinking herself into oblivion? Where you with her then guiding her into rehab? = no! Where you arranging her to make a successful comeback and maybe clean up her act? = No!

So, cue the bandwagon-jumping and the money obtaining by association!

Whitney Huston is still warm and possibly kicking and no doubt her ‘close relatives’ are queuing up at the doors of publishers and newspapers to say how she was “so special to her” (ITV2 is even showing The Bodyguard tonight). And, of course, radio stations and TV Music stations will no doubt have a ‘Day of Honour’ coming soon! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people celebrating the lives of such talented singer songwriters, but I draw the line at the behaviour of certain Charlatans who barely knew Ms Huston by saying they were ‘close’ and know her last words if you want to hear them … for a price! blah, blah, blah!

Which finally brings us to her record label: Sony! Ah, lovely Sony! The all seeing and conquering Sony who have sparked fury and controversy this week by putting up the price of Huston’s albums by 60%! SIXTY PERCENT!!! This is nothing short of disgusting (you could even call it Grave Robbing)

So, like Jacko and Winehouse, the vultures are circling, the records are being pressed and the money is about to flow!

Welcome to the world of musicians who are worth more dead than alive

It’s certainly not right or ok!!!

Mol

The Sad Death of a Lioness

I don’t know about the rest of you, but is your wife/husband/affectionate other one of those people who doesn’t open their Christmas presents until the Christmas period has well and truly passed? Mine is! It’s not a bad thing like, but it ‘niggles’ me

Anyway, the Christmas present in question (that I bought her) is the Amy Winehouse album she, sorry, her record company hurriedly released on news of her premature and tragic death.

The album is entitled ‘Lioness – Hidden Gems’ and, as I always do in these cases, have a few issues with the title and indeed the content

Firstly, these are not ‘hidden gems’ – they are simply shoddy out-takes that have been given to some hot shot producer to try and ‘polish up’ (a bit like when you watch 24 and Jack Bauer is trying to recover data from a lap top that been blew up). There are also a load of re-takes of old songs that appeared on Back to Black (most people call them demos), which kind of pisses me off as the words money for old rope spring to mind!

I remember watching No Cure for Cancer years ago by Bill Hicks … sorry … Denis Leary. In the routine he does a sketch about Elvis dying on the bog and comes up with the idea of shooting Elvis dead in 1959 when he was young, good looking and, most of all, talented so people can remember him that way! Instead, they wheel him out every week fat, bloated and high on drink and drugs onto a stage in Las Vegas making a tit out of himself!

When I think of that sketch I think of this latest album released by Winehouse’s record company when I listen to some of the songs! You can also see that it won’t be the first of these out-take albums courtesy of Winehouse’s record company in a way similar to Elvis! A ‘new Elvis’ you could say. Personally I think that’s pretty sad and a blemish to a singing legacy that was, in my opinion, truly inspirational

But, once again, money talks and bullshit walks! Death sells! Famous dead people sell! I know I previously wrote about this at the time, but look at the death of Michael Jackson! Within a week of his death he had numerous albums at number one on both sides of the Atlantic with a film in the pipe line (a demo film, I suppose you could say due to the quality of it). Ring any bells?

I personally see these actions as extremely ghoulish and very creepy especially if you are close friends and relatives of Winehouse (who have probably gained financially no doubt)

So, to be blunt, who wants to listen to a bunch out-takes and demos from a young girl who was off her head on drink and drugs? Not me that’s for sure! Sadly, my wife does. But that’s her choice I suppose

Then again, when is Adele’s new album out?

Mol