X-Rated Dirty Gary

So, Gary Barlow is the new ‘Hard Man’ of pop! So hard, in fact, that you’d think he was the new Ken Barlow throwing a few punches at Mike Baldwin in the Rovers Return Inn!!

Barlow, in case you didn’t know, has taken over from the tight-kex-wearing Simon Cowell (big trousers to fill as well) and turned into the nasty one who rips into the occasional X Factor spastic who sings like Chewbacca having his shells waxed! (All for the cameras, no doubt)

This one time Softy and all round raging quilt of a Manc who you would gladly take home to your while she was watching Downton abbey has now developed a tough shell (and attitude) with a good old Chuck Norris beard to boot!

Personally I think he’s about a scary as a gerbil wearing a skin-tight pink nappy!

But what gets me about this new ‘image’ Barlow has suddenly developed is, in my opinion, to maybe score a few brownie points with the Indie and Rock crowd as x Factor has always had some sort of ‘Rock Act’ within the ranks of the afore mentioned spastics desperate for fame!

So, what suddenly prompts these pop stars to shed their teeny bopper skin and turn into a raging grizzly bear? No doubt money and sponsorship are behind these decisions taken by them (and their team of advisors). Just look at Iggy Pop for example with his rather embarrassing Swift Cover adverts, Ozzy Osborne with his even more ridiculous series recorded for MTV a few years back, and, as I noticed a few weeks back in Madrid Airport, Julian Casablancas’ after shave called ‘decibel’

Personally, I think if you have an image that millions of your adoring fans love, I think you should stick to it as the words “sell out” will hover over you for the rest of your career no matter how successful you go on to be

So, do us a favour, Gaz, put away the new found ‘act’ you’re putting on as we all know you’re a big pussy cat deep down and we simply don’t buy it for one minute as we all know: “Everything changes but you”

Anyone?

Oh well, at least get a shave ... Chuck!

Mol

Good Gigs, Bad Gigs

Before I go on, the title of this Blog is not about a certain Man United Player’s performances between the sheets with certain members of his family. Ahem!

Just read a super article about bad gig experiences from musicians and journalists around the world. Funniest one by far had to be the story about The Loves tragic end. If you don’t know about it, have a read here. It’s rather superb. As for the story about Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull, I can only imagine how arse-splittingly funny it must have been to see someone throw piss over the old hippy

So, I thought I’d share a few intimate ‘moment’s we had during our days in Intermajic. Enjoy

The Pit, Duke Street, Early 1999

This place really did live up to its name! I think it was the old Pink Parrot. What a fucking hole! Amongst our list of songs we used to do a slow-ish number called ‘Rest Your Head’ and needless to say it was going down a storm! (hahaha, extreme sarcasm).

Half way through the aforementioned song a member of the audience approached me (luckily I knew her so her chances of being booted in the head were minimal) and said “Dave, drop it man, its shit”. I actually took note and cut the song half way through much to the relief of my co-members. The song never re-surfaced again, thank fuck.

After that the small matter of electrocuting myself, fusing the microphone and having a hairy debate with ‘the owner’ of the club for not paying us topped off a pretty grim night!

Needless to say we never returned! Blessing in disguise really as I’ve never walked up such a steep, dangerous, slippery flight of stairs in my life!

The Cavern, Liverpool, 1990-something

We used to enjoy playing The Cavern as they supplied you with super amps and we were quite friendly with the Norwegian guy who did the sound even though he was making rather un-wanted (homo)sexual advances towards Ben (must have thought he was a fellow Nordic/Teutonic)

Anyway the day started with us arriving early with The Cavern shut! As we’re waiting outside we were approached by an old Chap of The Street looking for a ciggie! What he really need though was a place to have a burst as we noticed that he had holes in his shoes with the vilest BROWN piss trickling down his leg and gushing out of them! The day was obviously doomed to failure!

When The Cavern finally opened its doors we we’re befriended by a superb bunch of chaps who went by the name of Llama. After chatting for a bit, their rather ‘colourful front man, Ralph decided to skin up and pass a spliff around. St this point, the strange Norwegian chap managed to avert his eyes away from Ben’s Buns and notice Ralph’s spliff. Llama we’re off the bill and told to leave. We managed to stay thanks to some marvellous diplomacy courtesy of yours truly! So we went the pub to take stock!

When it was our slot to go on we had been in the pub for a lot longer that we anticipated and were pretty pissed! So, we went on … pissed! During our set or maybe backstage (I’m not really sure what happened, you’ll have to ask Mart) Mart got into some sort of ‘disagreement’ with some Peninsula Wools who were drafted in place of the aforementioned Llama. So, what does Mart do on stage? That’s right; he offers them all out (including their fans that outnumbered ours)

The night ended in failure, put a possible war between The Wirral and the rest on the Sane World of Merseyside was thankfully averted! Funny day even though the war rages on!

King George’s Playing Fields, 2000-something

We’d been asked by some nuttier who worked for Knowsley Council (Dave Something) to do a gig to try and save The Georgies from having houses built on them. God knows why as it was probably them who approved the planning permission!!

Anyway, we ended up doing this out side gig to the great and the good people of Huyton. The sun was shining and reflecting of the millions of Lacoste Trackies scattered amongst the field (Kidda Stock, if you will). Stuey’s arld fella even turned up (“Hello Dave! Nervous!!?? Chin up lad, chin up”)

Don’t really remember much about the gig itself except an old mate of mine called ‘Dec’ turning up and giving me a little bit of acceptable abuse (banter). As it was a long day and the free cans of Skol were flowing down nicely I was feeling rather pissed. After another bout of banter from Dec I decided to get my own back and shouted “alright Dec lad, you look dead skinny mate, you haven’t got AIDS have ye?”

Now the people of Huyton are very tolerant to political correctness, sadly the council isn’t. That was the last time we did anything from Knowlsey council. I personally think the chaps should have thanked me for that!

Either way, tumble weeds were flowing and the look of dissatisfaction and head shaking from Stuey’s dad towards me sealed a pretty bad day at the office for us

Then again, at least the locals from The Quiet Man didn’t turn up

There are many more stories I can’t think of right now, but if they spring to mind I’m sure I can bring them to the wonders of the world wide web some day

Night night children

Mol

Geek Yanks Love Chic The Mancs

Sorry it’s been a while chaps. Been sorting out my pre-nuptials! (My missus is gonna be made up with my CD collection if we ever divorce!!) hahaha

Anyhow, just been reading yet another glamorous story about The Smiths and certain peoples continuing fascination with them! Yawn yawn fucking yawn!

The article in question is about a bunch of American publishers who have decided to write about (what they interpret) The Smiths’ songs were about. Really baffles me about what some hack from across the pond really knows what Morrissey and Marr were writing about! It also got me wondering of our dear ‘cousins’ across the pond really knew what ‘The Boy With the Thorn in His Side’ or ‘Panic’ was really about?

The story continued depicting the likes of Morrissey and Marr as some sort of bizarre super hero comic book characters. Batman meets Mozza, I suppose you could say? Either way, it sounds like a bunch of Yank geeks who have randomly picked out The Smiths from one of their mate’s CD collection to gain notoriety

But, what really got me about this article is obviously how interested the general public in the old U S and A are in this band from ‘Plucky Old En-ger-land’? Could they really give a shit about The Smiths singing about a cold and wet Manchester during the Thatcher era or The Singer’s opinions on Vegetarianism or subversive homosexuality while they’re sat on their big fat arses in their chequered three quarter length shorts tucking into a giant Burger King the size of their heads in thirty degree heat? Yeah, gonna be a real big seller in Stateside that is it?

But, going back to it, is it me or do some people still fucking bang on about Manchester bands like The Stone Roses and The Smiths with a degree of ‘romance’ that strangely enough (IMO) borders on stalking and over fantasising? You’d think at times they were talking about The Messiah or (sorry about the pun) the second coming of Christ the way some people still ‘hold a flame’ for them

If it’s not some manc from Wythenshawe called Gary (or Gaz) rabbiting on about how culturally important Salford Boys Club was (to Morrissey’s ‘alternative’ fantasies, of course) it’s some other blert from Whalley Range banging on about how great The Hacienda (or “Haciendo!!) was!

1^ST hypocritical moment:

Now, I know most people may well be reading this and calling me a hypocrite with my fierce association and defence of all things to do with The Stones, Led Zep, AC/DC, Bowie, etc, etc, but, I think there is a rather partisan attitude towards the likes of The Smiths and The Stone Roses that sort of makes me wonder if these people do realise that there are other regional bands and sounds out there that could easily be explored instead of burying your head in all things that were once ‘great’ about Manchester!

2^nd hypocritical moment:

Everyone knows my home town is Liverpool and pretty much everyone on the planet is aware of a certain rock n roll sensation at the start of the sixties called The Beatles. These four chaps went onto claim the title as one of the most influential bands of all time ALL AROUND the world (including America, not just Liverpool). And that’s my point: America is a big place and everyone who lives there has, at some point in their lives, heard their music …

… Unlike The Smiths.

Then again, what difference does it make?

Ahem!

Mol

Glastonbury Headliners and their Lack of Tax

Really sorry to bang on about this, and I know it’s been finished for about a week, but Glastonbury this year has seriously grinded on my fucking balls in a rather special way!!!

As for the headliners, Jesus fucking wept! I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a dreary bunch if miserable bastards in my life! I’d rather watch Ken fucking Barlow scratch his left ear all night while drinking half a bitter ... “Deidre”

Number one: U Fucking 2. As a mate of mine text me the other day: If only god was watching and decided to conjure up a mix of bad luck, rain and a live stage! Bonio’s kex would have blew off and ended up on the Weymouth coast! As for their music, i can only describe it as being nothing short of drab! And you can’t put that down to nerves as U2 have played in every venue under the sun across the globe! Maybe they have finally realised how fucking gash and middle-of-the-road they really are and decided to not give a shit anymore! Here hoping anyway!

Number 2: Warmplay. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but the end of their set was a stroke of pure marketing genius! Fix You was the obvious choice for last song, but, straight afterwards when you expected them to do their completely embarrassing bow, they went straight into a “new song” at which point the hands were no longer waving in the air and everyone was looking at each other with ‘what the fuck’ looks all over their Chevvy Chases saying “is this a new one?”After that, most people decided to fuck off back to their tents for a spliff and a shag no doubt. Very un-Warmplay like if you ask me!

And finally about Warmplay, why is it they feel they have to have Jay Z at the front of the stage for every time they play? Yet more examples of a band caring too much about who they are seen with instead of actually (trying) to entertain!

Number 3: Beyonce. This really did make me laugh. You could almost imagine the clientele for her crowd now: Sunglasses the size of wind farms, eye lashes the size of a golden eagle’s wing, wooden high heels 18ft tall and Wayne Rooney walking behind all seventeen of them (on a lead, of course) while they are screaming “eeeeeeeeeee, gerroutdefuckingwayyefuckinghippyd’youknowwhoiam???” .

As for her music, if there was ever an artist that didn’t belong on the Glastonbury stage, I’m afraid its her. Her set reminded me of Kylie Minougue a few years back: good pop music, but just not the right place to be singing it! It’s also a good that she actually played when the sun went down as there was probably a good chance her arse would have blocked the sun out! Oooh! Ye bitch!

Number 4: Celebrities! Jesus fucking Christ on a unicycle! Why the fuck do these people matter and why do other people think they are so important to modern day society that they must have fifteen camera crews following them with one camera crew actually filming the bands??? It’s really becoming an obsession of mine to the point that I can’t look at one without feeling the urge to gip everywhere!

Finally, Number 5: Michael Eavis. Here is a man who pledged before the festival started that he would “get back in touch with grass roots fans” of Glastonbury and do away with the likes of Kate Moss and all the other flunkies I mentioned in my previous blog. So, what does up-side-head do? That’s right; he creates their own little village! Celebrityville (as it might have been called) was created (under top secret, of course) to cater for the needs of the great and the good and other Z-list bell ends so they didn’t have to mix with the great un-washed and could lord it safe in the knowledge their £2000 bottle of champagne didn’t fall into the wrong hands

This, for me, shows that Eavis is a complete hypocrite!

And while we’re on the subject of hypocrisy, I’d just like to point out another boo boo from Mr Eavis. For years he has stood behind campaign groups who stand up for people’s right such as the likes of Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth. So, why is it when a group like UK Uncut decide to put up a banner protesting against U2’s alleged tax evasion, he sends in the heavies and has it removed! Can’t be upsetting Bonio and his gang of sunglass wearing whoppers now can we Michael

I think it’s really time you did get back to the basics of what a festival should be mate:

Music, people and fun!

Fuck the money, hype and the bleeding celebrities!

Mol

Greedy Pigs Wallowing in the Mud

I watched a superb documentary the other night on BBC18 about the history of British Music Festivals and it has to be said, they have a tainted past and a pretty dark future

From the early days of Glastonbury to today’s version there is an absolute world of difference between the two and once again, yes, you’ve guessed it: they’ve been ruined by money!

Gone are the days when people only cared about the quality of the music compared to today’s uber-rich and over pampered Z List celebrities comparing how much they spent on their brand new Luis Vitton welleys!

Rolling around in the mud twenty or thirty years ago was basically down to the fact that the people doing it were out of their faces on some serious acid and had an outlook for peace and love. Today’s crowd do it to gain personal notoriety with a good chance of gaining a bed in the following year’s Big Brother household!

The music seems like a mere back drop to the money making machine as the organisers are quicker to sort out sponsorship deals quicker than they are to book the bands! But of course, the organisers will never tell you that as they don’t want to lose face with the ‘old guard’ who still see it as a last bastion of hippyism!

As for today’s bands, none of them really grind on my balls that much, but one thing about festival appearances really does: stage invasions!

A good few years ago at one of our gigs in The Picket, Liverpool, there was a sort of stage invasion led by a good mate (you know who you are, Jones) and the truth is it was a fucking right laugh! When you see it done now on the likes of Glastonbury or the V Festival by the likes of Iggy “Sell-Out” Pop and The Kaiser Chiefs, you can’t help but think it’s a load of pre-planned carefully orchestrated bollocks!

Now I know the festival scene of today has obviously changed a lot since the dark days of Altamont and Woodstock with regards to safety and the lack of knife-wielding maniac Hells Angels, but you really can’t help but think they have had their hearts and soul ripped out and replaced with corporate bank-rolled by big companies (who also avoid paying tax, no doubt) who really don’t have anything in common with music apart from the fact that they’re there to promote their product! You scrub my back, I’ll do an encore!

Now I know it’s not all doom and gloom at most festivals as some people do actually love going to them and they do generally have a good time. Good for them! But things do need to change as, the truth is the world of music and, to a certain extent, light entertainment is slowly but surely losing its integrity and respect from the public who buys their records and attend their concerts/festivals as the public ARE being ripped off by the companies who supply them with over-priced food, drink and above all tickets and shows from musicians who are simply in it for the money who gladly produce half-arsed performances in a country that is already blighted by constant shit weather!

Doesn’t sound like a good weekend to me!

No wonder people go on caravanning holidays with their guitars and a crate of Carling!

Mol

Back in the Saddle

Many of you avid readers of Mol’s Sound Words may have noticed my absence from the rather murky world of internet blogging of late! The truth is I’ve been busier than Ryan Giggs at a family party!

As well as having to plan my forthcoming wedding, trying stop my nearest and dearest friends from skinning my arse bald on my stag night and having to endure the possibility of having to work somewhere else than my home town, I’m also back in the saddle of the music world!

Watch out kids, The Outriders are coming to a town near you!

A few months back Mart, Ben, Stuart, Me and Dr Mark Slade MBE made a decision to form a new super group from Huyton’s finest musicians and do a few decent covers and the truth is over the last few months we have a had a fucking ball!

Being together again and practicing in Crash not only breaks up what can a pretty boring normal working week, but gives you a true sense of male camaraderie.

Taking the piss out of each, ripping each other, putting up with the contents of my arse and having a general good laugh is a lot less hassle and ten times more enjoyable than being in an original band and the hassles that come with that (writing songs, choosing what songs to do, etc, etc).

Basically the whole vibe is better and the songs come quicker as everybody knows them! It’s just then down to the case of how good you actually perform them and the truth is that we actually are pretty fucking good

As yet, we haven’t done any gigs, but we’ll soon be ready to play. Just need two or three more songs and we’re all yours. Numerous venues have been mentioned and the possibility of seeing us play before I am wed is a very good one!

So, next time you’re out and you see a bunch of slightly old fellas playing covers in a pub and it doesn’t exactly ‘float your boat’, don’t just dismiss them and think “they’re fucking shit” or “silly arld bastards, go and put ye slippers on and smoke ye pipe”– take into account that they are a bunch of fellas doing what they enjoy = having fun

That is, and should be, the way of all things

Mol

Smart Arses or Tight arses?

This week sees the much anticipated release of the new album by the Kaiser Chiefs called The Future is Medieval! ... Yawn!

But, I may have to hold back the “yawns” here as there’s a bit of a catch to it by our smart arse Indie popsters as it’s quite unique in the way that there has been no advertising or promotion in the run up to the release for the album at all. There’s also another interesting factor to this album

When you go on line (to the Kaiser’s own website, of course) to buy the album, the consumer is given the option to buy (rather bizarrely) ten songs from the choice of twenty for the princely sum of £7.50

Then, once you’ve created your ‘playlist’ the website then gives you the option to create your own album cover. It’s like a mix between Play School and an ipod

Bargain? I don’t think so

Although it does come across as being a bit of a smart arse idea from an ever changing industry, it also wreaks of being yet another gimmick from what sounds like another desperate attempt to boost sales and interest in a band struggling to come to terms with what to do with their money (they bought their own studio in case you were wondering)

But, the implications of the latest round of “my ideas is better than yours” in the ever competitive fields of Indie music could well be taking things to promote your new album just that little bit too far in my opinion

What next?

· Guess the title of the album?

· Guess the title of the song?

· Make up your own song/album title?

· Name the band?

· Name the band members?

But, I’m afraid the Kaisers have had their parades well and truly pissed on as a few weeks prior to the release of The Future is Medieval (which no one was supposed to know about) some naughty internet hacker leaked the album on line for the whole world to listen to and the Kaisers hopes of creating a totally unique way of releasing album were well and truly fucked! Bugger!

So, what happened next: That’s right, they did an interview and started kicking up a massive fuss about how people who leak albums are wrecking the music of music (bullshit) and, of course the real reason they are so pissed off is that they are losing their hard earned money from people obtaining the album for free courtesy of some geeky hacker called Derek who spends all day in his bedroom/loft conversion wanking off over series 6 of Doctor Who and of course finding ways to download albums that haven’t been released yet

On a person note, if I were in a very successful band like the Kaiser Chiefs, if I wanted to release a secret album, I’d certainly go the very extreme measures to make sure the likes of ‘Derek’ didn’t get his grubby little hands on it and invest a lot of my hard earned money to prevent that happening!

So, instead of thinking up such elaborate ways to release an album and thus guaranteeing applause and all-round pats on the back from your smart arse geeky mates, I’d suggest you look more into guaranteeing your future releases are NOT leaked on-line for the whole world to listen to and NOT to buy as frankly it’s not big and it’s not clever!

Either that or I predict a riot!

Mol