The Rough With The Smooth

I was talking to some bird in work last week about Jamie T. Turns out she’s a pretty big fan of him, but I can take him or leave him to be honest. But, as we talked, she came out with a really good point: he has character. And you know what? … She was spot on! So it got me thinking: where have all the bad lads, or lads who have a bit of, well, laddishness about them gone? It’s actually quite apt that this conversation took place during the same month Noel & Liam put down their fist-e-cuffs and parted company as the two of them (love them or hate them) did have a certain aura about them that made them the modern day bad boys that were mainly loved by the people, but seen as a hate figure in the eyes of the (conservative) press. They will be missed (not for their music – in my opinion), but for the sheer cheek and camaraderie that oozed from them (when they we’re ‘talking’ to each other, of course) Today, the only time you get to see lads being, well, lads these days is by walking the streets as it’s basically the only place (not within eye shot of the Rozzers) people can get away with ‘offending’ anyone if you know what I mean? If you want to be a ‘rascal’ these days in the eyes of the media – forget it! Chances are you’ll end up in court for putting two fingers up to a photographer or telling someone to go fuck themselves due to the draconian laws that exist in this country these days with all things celebrity being poked and probed at the slightest opportunity. You only have to see undercover photos and film footage of Kate Moss, Russell Brand and Dev from Coronation Street for examples. Soon as the tabloids get hold of them – they’re well and truely fucked! But, without sounding sexist here, maybe the world has finally lost interest in the likes of Ozzy Osbourne biting the heads off small mammals, Oliver Reed seriously intoxicated on some chat show stripping off to Wild Thing and the late great and greatly missed Keith Floyd knocking back the red wine while setting fire to someone’s kitchen and have become accustomed to the likes of the squeaky-clean Take Splatt, Snow (snore) Patrol, James Morrison and the Jamie Callums of this world and their soothing vocals guaranteed to get women ‘in the mood’. Personally they bore the fucking pants off me so much that I really can’t listen or even watch them without reaching for the sick bucket and shedding my tea! Sadly, the age of ‘the bit of rough’ has well and truly come to a rather abrupt end because of the afore mentioned modern day crooners and good looking pin-ups corporate-pleasing Satan cock sucking pop stars. Another example of the serious lack of testosterone in today’s music scene was last month’s Mercury Awards: Bats for Lashes, Le Roux, Florence and the Machine and the eventual winner Speech Debelle, all pretty much front runners for the award itself and all women. The less said about the fucking X Factor the better (I’m sick to fucking death of that pile of vile shite any way so …) And, you might laugh here and it might sound daft, but I think shaving, moisturiser and after shave adverts have also got a lot to answer for as these do nothing to promote the ‘male’ side of men and more to promote the more ‘feminine’ side of men. Just look at lasts years Tesco advert with Take Splatt spending Christmas with them birds dressed in their skimps for stunning example of men being absolute mincers! So chaps, do us a favour next time you go into work, tuck your shirt half way into your kex, don’t wear a tie, don’t shave for two days and most important of all: don’t wash your shells!! Bear Grylls = eat your heart out Mol

Doing Their Best? ... Hardly!

I was watching the telly the other night and, to my amazement, an advert came on for The Best of Ultravox. Hahahaha, I nearly laughed my shells off. The Best of Ultravox? Er, hang on a minute there, Midge & the gang, don’t you mean ‘Vienna’? By the way hands up anyone who can name another song by Ultravox off the top of their head? Answer: no one!

Now, what Ultravox are suggesting here with their best of album would be like Van Halen releasing a best of album with twenty different versions of ‘Jump’, T’Pau doing fifteen versions of China in Your Hand, Berlin releasing thirty different versions of Take My Breath Away and Doctor and the Medics doing forty different versions of Spirit in the Sky (although I’ve heard they actually do five versions of that when they play live) Sad state of affairs wouldn’t you agree? But once again, there is a reason behind these ridiculous compilations, and, in my opinion, it has a lot to do with that root of all evil stuff that supposedly makes the world go round. To date, I’ve actually lost count of how many best of albums the likes of The Stones, The Beatles and er … Take That have released. Even Girls A-Fucking-Loud have released one!!! It’s obviously plain to see that these albums are devised by the band’s greedy management and record label heads trying to cash in on a band who are about to leave their books or indeed bands who have actually left their books. Robbie Williams, if there’s the slightest chance your reading this (in between your UFO weekly magazine, of course) I’d just like to say a few words = you massive bell end!!

If you happen to own a copy, have a look at the sleeve notes on ‘Hot Rocks’ by The Stones. You will notice that every song on the album is released under the Decca label. At the time in 1971 the label was owned by a rather unscrupulous business man called Allen Klien. Klien tried to tie The Stones into a major long term contract with Decca, but they were advised not to and instead set up their own label: Rolling Stones Records. This is the reason why so many big labels try to secure acts for many years and many albums = so they can own the rights and release best of albums after best of albums if the band decide to scarper and join another label if they receive a better offer. What ever way you look at it the songs are still the same, just re-packaged into a different shiny CD cover and box. And if you happen to buy them all, I say more fool you for being such a sucker.

There is one thing other than bands that have had one famous hit that gets me about best of albums, and that’s the bands that have been going five minutes and released a load of crap singles instead of releasing a good few albums of quality over a period of years that actually warrant a best of album. Fine examples of this being Girls Aloud and the other similar feminist bint band of bean-flickers The Spice Girls. To date they have notched up … wait for it … two studio albums each (that’s excluding the best of album) So, quick stock check here: two studios albums and one best of album. I calculate that if Girls Aloud honours their existing contract with their label and release six albums that will mean at the time of their sixth album release they should then have had three best of albums. That makes a grand total of nine albums (six studio & three best of) Agree? Good. I’ll go into The Pussy Cat Dolls statistics some other time (Wahaaaayyy)

But, at the end of the day, what really annoys the balls off me is that it really does come down to money doesn’t it? So why can’t these bands who release these very premature (and in most cases very shit as even the best of albums are basically full of album fillers with one famous hit) best of albums negotiate these embarrassing money making ‘ventures’ before they sign a contract with these massive exploiting record labels? Why can’t they ‘stand up to the man’ instead of being hoiked into a contract straight away instead of acting like greedy wanna be capitalists? Because, if you really think about it, that’s what they are deep down and before you know it they’re featuring on the next MTV Cribs programme showing the cameras around their glorious house (or are they their houses?). Either that or sort your self out and look for a decent manager who will actually look after your best interests and follow that up with writing decent songs worthy of being on a best of album.

So, a few words of advice for any wannabe greedy singers should think about: a new career working in a bank, being an MP (with a moat or a ‘duckhouse’, of course) or gladly kissing Alan Sugar’s bollocks and his arsehole on a full time basis. Either way, you’d make more money than a musician does and you’d have the right qualifications for being an absolute complete twat in the process.

Better get that CV printed off as well!

Sunday Music - Floyd Style

I know the last thing on most people’s minds on Sunday afternoon is another session of loud music with a few beers thrown in for good measure, but trust me here = it sounds so much better and is the ultimate hangover cure. So, in honour of the late great and Keith Floyd, who in case you didn’t know sadly passed away last week, I thought I’d have a rock ‘n’ roll Sunday Roast So, without further a do, my dear Gastronaughts, let’s have a look at the menu … Starter: A couple of heart starters (as Floyd would call a drink) in the shape of A Bottle of Czech beer with Cauliflower Cheese and Howl by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Main Course: Pork Joint with roast potatoes, roast carrots and all the trimmings followed by The Soft Parade by The Doors (By the way, nothing freaks your neighbours out more than the sound of Jim Morrison shouting “you can not petition the lord with prayer” on a Sunday afternoon I can guarantee you!) Dessert: Poached Peaches flamed in Southern Comfort (Gareth: fancy that mate?) and a copy of Behind the Music by Sound Track of Our Lives You might think I’m being just a little bit too daft here (ala: Floyd), and you m ay be right, but trust me on this one. Next time you get a bit of spare time to your self on Sunday afternoon, get in the kitchen, sort out the dinner and put some tunes on LOUD! It beats watching Sunderland Vs Wolves any day of the fucking week! I could have, by accident, also created the latest culinary craze to sweep the nation! PS: RIP Floyd. A true hero of mine ** raises glass **

Mol

The Ministry Of Music

I’ve seen and heard some ridiculous things in my time, but some of them just quite simply take the absolute fucking piss! I was getting ready for work the other morning and while I was standing there having a Chas ‘n’ Dave and washing my shells listening to the radio, some absolute Englebert was on talking about setting up a sort of Government regulated ‘Ministry of Music’. You can imagine the fella can’t ye? A sort of Michael Palin Monty Python character called Nigel or Roger who wears jam jar glasses, sock suspenders, a tank top and a tie! And you can also imagine my utter amazement and laughter as the prick began to talk about his proposed idea! Anyway, the fella who was talking (I’m really sorry but I don’t remember his name as I was concentrating on shaving my neck at the time) said his concept was to get everyone to pay a monthly direct debit of say £20 or £25 and in return receive all your music needs for that price. Now I know some of you might say this is quite a good idea, but if you think about it, most disasters in history are usually caused by government involvement and down right interfering and unnecessary meddling in things they should never have gotten involved in in the first place. So disaster looms no doubt Now, don’t get me wrong here, I think music is very important to everyone (I wouldn’t be writing this Blog if I didn’t think so), but the fact of the matter is this: not everyone enjoys or even listens to music, so why treat them like they’re not paying their gas, electric or council tax bills? It is simply idiotic! Another downside of this hair brain idea is that musicians, producers, managers and roadies will all, in affect, become Civil Servants. Here’s a few examples for ye: Can you see the likes of Lady Gaa Gaa going to work each day with a brief case worrying about her flexi time being minus twelve hours? Can you see Take That having their yearly appraisals and complaining that they only got a ‘Majority marking’? (personally I’d recommend them for demotion or even the sack if I had my way) and best of all can you see Jay Z moaning about the lighting on the floor he works on just because Glas Vegas (who work opposite him) want the blinds shut all day so they can sit in the usual complete morbid state of darkness they are used to? I know I’m going a bit over the top here (no change there then eh?), but the possibilities for ridiculous situations here are truly endless. A few months back I posted a Blog about Arctic Monkeys and the release of their new album. Imagine, if you would, their new album turned out to be shit, no one bought it and the critics slated it! One day, they receive a phone call from Gordon Brown or some other high ranking civil servant saying something along the lines of “lads, this just simply isn’t good enough, so we’ve decided to send you to Afghanistan to go on the front line” or “we’ve reviewed your current working pattern and decided that the way forward is a Power Point presentation of your poor performance be shown to the rest of your team as an example of your bad work management, but we’ll have a tea break at half ten” (In other words = your P45’s in the post lads) So people, beware government interference in what pleasures your ears as we all know too well how they can fuck up other things of great national importance. Also beware of anyone called Nigel who becomes involved in the music industry as it spells nothing but a fiasco and will end in tears Just look at Spinal Tap! Mol

The Pursuit of Happiness

Now, I know most of you avid readers wait impatiently at your computers each week clutching your mouse in anticipation of the next exciting edition of Mol’s Sound Words. I also know some of you agree and sometimes disagree with most (if not all) of the content I write for you. But there is one thing I will guarantee we all agree on … and that is life is all about being happy? Agree? So, I know it was weeks ago, but I’m gonna carry on with another Jacko related story here if you don’t mind? Anyway, I’ve been reading loads of stories about Michael Jackson lately and how he was treated by his father when he was a kid. Very troubled soul and, you have to say, rather sad, bizarre and sometimes tragic life. I did have real genuine sympathy for him to be honest. But, I must admit, that at the end of the day he lead an extremely privileged and luxurious life for most of his time in music. A life most would kill for (including his doctor if you read the Daily Star). And it’s that point that makes me think: why was he (and so many other famous musicians) so sad and miserable throughout their career? Don’t get me wrong here, I know Jacko had to put up with quite a lot in his private life over the last ten years with the two court cases he had brought against him and some of the other crap, but as I have just stated, he was very very rich and lead a pretty charmed life. To coincide with all the Jacko stuff, I was also watching a programme the other day about American Alternative Music (Grunge, if you like). And it was basically centred round the life of Kurt Cobain and other bands such as REM, Black Flag, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden. The documentary (mainly centred around Cobain) pointed out that he was a seriously troubled chap. It seemed from day one he was a very un-happy young man who suffered from bouts of depression. During his time in Nirvana his unhappiness had a lot to do with the amount of Heroin he was ploughing into his arm, but maybe he was just plain miserable before that? If so, I really can’t understand why he was unhappy as he left behind a legacy of music that some people say changed a generation and is still well listened to this day. A re-invention I suppose you could say and also something to be extremely proud of in my opinion. Sadly, for Cobain, he didn’t see it that way so he decided to blow his brains out one day at the ripe old age of 27 while at the height of his fame. There’s no doubt he seen his fame as a burden and a massive weight on his shoulders. But he did have children to his ‘loving’ wife Courtney Love, which, in my opinion yet again, is a pretty bad shithouse way of getting out of things. No Dad of the Year Award for him! But, as regards the obviously tragic circumstances surrounding Cobain’s death, there is one thing that really stands out to me, and it’s this: I just don’t get it? Some of these famous young men & women are trekking across the planet with everything paid for them, serious amounts of money, having a good time, shagging whoever they want and basically doing a job that millions of wanna be X Factor contestants and other people who dream of being famous can only, well, dream of doing!! It’s not like they’re working in an office having to put up with bullshit middle managers talking bollocks all day and having totally pointless meetings about meetings about meetings or working in a fucking bog cleaning shit out of toilets now is it? Many people I know would give their left bollock to have a career like the pop stars they idolise. I’d guarantee you one thing though: if I were in a famous band or had the fame (and wealth) most of these miserable bastards have now, no way would I act like some sort of tortured soul, spoilt bray or strop around the place like a miserable cunt demanding the head of some poor bastard who just so happened to serve them champagne at room temperature or knocking fuck out of some photographer taking pictures of me!! I’d be having an absolute fucking ball and I’d take as many of my mates with me as I could!!! You can guarantee that! So, if any of you stroppy pop stars just happen to be reading this, chin up eh chaps, and stop being miserable bastards as things could be worse, you could be working in KFC or you could be on the dole … or, even worse, you could be a member of Razorlight! Suddenly that job working in the bog seems a lot more palatable doesn’t it? Mol

You Say You Want A Revolution?

In case you didn’t know, it’s Beatles Week on the BBC. It coincides with the celebration of the last Beatles album Abbey Road and contains numerous documentaries about the impact the four mop tops from Liverpool had on the world. Now, there’s no doubt the Beatles had and still have an absolutely massive influence on the world in a cultural and musical sense. However, the programme I watched last night, entitled ‘How The Beatles’ Rocked The Kremlin’, was taking their far reaching influence just a bit too far The programme basically went on to suggest that The Beatles ‘influenced’ Nakita Kruschev’s aggressive stance towards America in the early nineteen sixties (in case you don’t know, the former head of the USSR announced during his ‘spat’ with John F Kennedy that “we will bury you”) and a certain gang of Communist Bandits lead by Fidel Castro in Cuba is, frankly, utterly absurd! And to also suggest that the Beatles had a hand to play in the fall of communism was also quite ridiculous to suggest as well as 1989 – 1991 was over two decades after the Beatles split up and moved on so I think it’s pretty ridiculous to suggest that Mickael Gorbachov was listening to “Can’t Buy Me Love” when thinking up his reforming of the Soviet Union and brought down the wall in Berlin in a heat of musical emotion and sentimentality But, and it’s a big but, the peace movement, with John Lennon and his screaming irritating bride at the helm did have a certain impact on world peace after the blue touch paper was lit by the likes of Woodstock and the American Hippy movement of the late nineteen sixties. Lennon merely picked up the pieces and put it in the public eye by staying in bed for a week being wanked off by Yoko. It was also one of the finest publicity stunts in history may I point out. So! What lasting impression and influence did the Beatles leave on this old planet? We would have no Oasis for a start (er, sorry, we don’t have Oasis anymore should I say). We would also have no influence on the singing at the Kop at Anfield, ask your arld’ fella about it if you get a chance. There would also be none of the famous Mop Top haircuts that the Americans so famously wowed themselves over (Stuey would have never designed his Lego haircut either). And most important of all (to me that is) there would be no Rolling Stones. In case you didn’t know, The Beatles gave The Stones a ‘hand up’ in 1963 by letting them do a cover version of ‘I Wanna Be Your Man’. The Stones were kind of struggling by then and, in my opinion, have a lot to thank The Beatles for. Seriously though, and probably the most important thing of all we have to thank the Beatles for is not necessarily down to the Beatles, but down to George Martin and the sound he managed to ‘capture’ for them. I’m not saying it was all his work as no doubt the Fab Four had some sort of input in how they wanted to sound, but, without Martin’s influence do you really think they’re sound would have made the dramatic transformation from “Love Me Do” to “Tomorrow Never Knows”? Personally, I think not. Psychedelia was, in my opinion, born from this period and one of the most radical (and exciting) sounds in music was born. And finally, in Liverpool, the birth place of the Beatles, we have been given the Matthew Street festival. Ah the Matthew Street festival. The epitome of culture in Liverpool where you can spend a whole weekend walking around town with a case of warm Carling under your arm, getting absolutely fucking socked (in August), avoiding plenty of shite (and some good) covers bands, tripping over prams the size of Tiger tanks owned by Asbo families from Kirkdale, getting the train home with a load of Peter Kay sounding wools singing “she love you yeeeeeeeeeeeah yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah yeaaaaaaaaah” and finally avoiding the carnage at one thirty in the morning when hundreds of people who have had far too much to drink who have decided to decorate their clothes with a dirty donna kebab whilst knocking fuck out of someone who accidentally stole their taxi in the queue. I’m sure that’s not the vision of peace John Lennon was hoping for when the Beatles spilt up to be honest. Mol

Ar Kid', Where Art Thou?

So, the Manc swagger has finally shrugged its shoulders to the world for the last time and Oasis (it appears) are all but over and they’re finally free … and sorry about the pun ... to do what ever they want. Been reading quite a bit lately about the ever extending rift between the Brother’s Gallagher and their on going feud over who sits as top dog on the good ship Oasis … and it seems the younger sibling has prevailed. It seems they haven’t spoke to each other since 2000 after a certain incident involving Patsy Kensit. I’d love to know how they continued to write songs for none years, wouldn’t you? Noel, for all his likeability and comedy quotes over the years (the one about the Romanian orphans on the Baddiel & Skinner show was a particular classic, harsh, but still a classic) seems to have done a complete reversal of his personality and basically given in to his band and irritating, cocky younger brother and blinked first in a classic game of music ‘chicken’. Coward ness has hardly been one of your many attributes, Noel. Standing up for your self and putting up your dukes on the other hand … As for Liam, love him or hate, you do have to admit his style of singing (un-like Oasis) was kind of unique (the “Shiiiiiiiii-on” will surely be his most memorable vocal line) So what of Oasis? Can they survive without each other? Who will now be ‘top dog’? Will they get Brain May in to play the guitar? And most important of all: who will ‘write’ the songs as we all know of Oasis’ ability to employ plagiarism into their ranks As for their past, everyone knows the age old fact that Oasis should have called it a day after Definitely Maybe & What’s The Story as what followed these two albums basically contained maybe one decent single and a shit load of album fillers (Little James – anyone?). Flogging a dead horse has never been a more appropriate career for them since then (IMO) At the height of their appeal-a-bility in the mid nineties I could never really decide between Noel & Liam which one I actually liked the most (a bit like which Spice Girl you’d shag first) but I must admit I’m gonna miss Noel more as he has always seemed a lot more down to earth and always kept a certain connection to his working class roots even though he did up sticks and move to London. I lost a bit of respect for him after that. But, finally I’d just like to say good luck to both of the Gallagher Brothers for what ever (no pun by the way) they do in the future as, even if you didn’t or don’t like them, they’re impact on the British (and world) music will be ever lasting A lot of bands owe them That deserves a ‘dipping of the hat’ Mol