Where have all the Bell Ends Gone?

 

Have you noticed music is very nice these days? When I say nice, I mean nice! Fluffy! Friendly! Cuddly! Cosy! Uncontroversial! Clean!

 

While over in Liverpool a few weeks ago I was chatting to a mate of mine about the roguish brothers Gallagher of Oasis. We weren’t talking about their music, per say, as in my opinion, I’ve always considered it pretty bland. But we were talking about their attitude and their presence as rough arse working class lads who had the ability to not just upset the applecart, but to rob the apples, beat up the fella running it and set fire to it! They did this.... and more!

 

But, my point here is the brothers Gallagher (and the rest of the band along with a good handful of bands of the mid to late nineties, might I add) were so unlike the current crop of pop and rock stars of today’s music scene, it really does seem far too long since anyone was willing to speak up, stand out, and basically put two fingers up to the world without really giving a shit!

 

My reasoning behind this new found conformity and gentrification in music is obviously money. But, money is brought about by influence and the influence is brought about by sponsorship of tours and endorsement of products that will obviously pay more than the miserly record companies pay for services and music rendered!

 

So, artists sign more than record contracts these days – they sign sponsorship deals and other lucrative endorsements that quite simply make them rich! And how do they maintain this vast river of wealth flowing into the bank accounts? Yup – they toe the company line, say “yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir” and basically SHUT THE FUCK UP when asked anything tricky!

 

Anything controversial, political, or even, heaven forbid, slanderous will result in a lawsuit (due to new slander laws introduced by the UK’s totalitarian government) that is followed by a media witch hunt, which in turn results in career over and an empty bank account (cue: old blues record .... “ooooh, I woke up this mornin’....”)

 

This new found obsession with capitalism and celebrity in music is a far cry from a bye gone era that produced so many care free characters, individuality and, more important, better music!!

 

But, an example of where certain musicians used to be able to fuck up and get off their tits without receiving some of  the above ‘abuse’ are without doubt the once hilarious Brit Awards of the nineties! (Before it became so corporate) Some of these ‘spectacles’ were truly hilarious!

 

Look at Dave Rowntree scribbling ‘Dave’ on his face as a piss take towards Prince (who in turn was actually protesting about his record label) who had ‘Slave’ scribbled on his dial. Of course, you’d never see Dave doing this now as, rather bizarrely, he’s an MP!

 

Also, what about the heroic actions of Jarvis Cocker towards the rather creepy antics of Jacko surrounded by loads of kids on stage? (in case you didn’t know, Jarvis ran on stage in protest of Jacko’s ‘antics’ with certain children and started wiggling his scrawny arse at the camera!!) – Absolutely hilarious stuff!!

 

And what about Chumbawumba throwing a bucket of ice water over John Prescott in protest of the way New Labour were running the country! Good job ‘Prezzer’ wasn’t on stage as someone would have probably ended up with a left hook!!

 

Finally – we can’t mention The Brit awards without mentioning Sam Fox & Mick Fleetwood – words can’t not describe how much I laughed my balls off when watching this!! It was like an episode of The Day Today!!! Brilliant stuff

 

All of the above, if done these days, would no doubt result in an arrest and facing possible terrorism charges and, as is the point of this blog, the cessation of all contracts currently making the wonga flow freely and their career over

 

So, my point here is this – as with footballers, bankers and pretty much all politicians – how much money do you need and are you going to spend it all in your lifetime???

 

Also, as the late great Bill Hicks once pointed out: “Do a commercial and you are off the artistic roll call! You are Satan’s little helper and you are sucking his cock! ... Send MC Hammer in!”

 

Also, I’m not promoting the use of it or, indeed dismissing it, but there seems to be a lack of drug taking/users in music these days (without counting Pete Doherty, of course) . No one is busted in night club toilets anymore with half a pound of Columbia’s finest up their hooter!!

 

Rock stars all drink herbal tea along with their vegan diets and yoga style healthy works outs while out walking their dog or their ridiculously named spoilt brat kids!!!! BORING!!!

 

So, if any would be rock stars are reading this – do us a favour? Next time you are on stage or on telly, flash the V’s at the camera, have a piss on stage or smack some poncey arsed presenter on the chin – you’ll win more friends and hopefully, bring back a bit of much missed attitude and swagger to the music industry!!

 

 

Mol