The Brits: Come Mime With Me

As many of my readers know, I mainly have a three-pronged attack since I starting writing my Blog. The first is X Factor, the second the lovable Razorshite and the third is The Brits. This week, the latter didn’t let me down! The first thing that got to me about this year Shit Awards is that the show was basically dominated by Americans in the shape of Lady (Gentleman) Ga Ga and Jay Z. Now, don’t get me wrong here, they are both pretty good at what they do and of course as we all know, terrific entertainers. They were also pretty good on the night. But why have a British Award ceremony dominated by American Artists? You wouldn’t se the same thing happen at The Grammies would you? The Shits are supposed to be a celebration of all things to do with British music. This year was also supposed to be a bout 30 years of British music. What better way to celebrate it by letting all the headlines taken by two Americans. So, what does the British contingent of the night’s entertainment have to offer? Well, we have Robbie ‘Past It’ Williams singing his usually medley of shit and drivel while he pulls them ridiculously punch able faces into every camera he can spot and the marvellous, wait for it … Cheryl ‘Ah Love Ye’ Cole! Is it just me or does Cheryl Cole ignite the inner demon in your soul and fill you with enough rage to explode a small planet? And to make matters worse, she fucking mimed!!!!! But, wait a minute chaps, this was no ordinary miming. Cole is very clever at deceiving the public as she rather cleverly sang the first few bars of her ‘performance’, the rest, she mimed. This gives the idea that she did actually sing. Maybe she should think about renaming her best known song to ‘Mine, Mine, Mine’? Either that or just simply fuck off the face of the earth instead? I’d much prefer the latter. If she does, I’d also love it if she took her husband with her. Let’s just hope they have a good mobile phone reception where ever they go eh? Secondly we come to JLS. A few people I work with have often wondered what JLS actually stands for. Jesus Loves Sex? Justifiably Lynched Singers? Or, the main favourite: Just Lousy Singers? Anyway, JLS seem to have found a new ‘inner rock star’ after Liam Gallagher’s stunning show of madness at The Shit Awards (more on that later). Anyway, I was listening to an interview with JLS on the morning after The Shits and one of them in a rather frenzied state of over excited ness went on to say “in all the excitement, I decided to break one of the chairs, I can’t wait to see the footage of that” (they then all went on to giggle like young girls walking around Liverpool One). Well fuck me, Keith Moon will be shaking in his pit at the possibility of someone taking over from his hell raising mantle!! Who ever said rock n roll was dead should thank god for JLS that it’s not. Party on, Garth Thirdly, Peter Kay is about as funny as washing your shells in a sink full of acid Fourthly I’d just like to mention Kasabian. Kasabian are always the band who turn up at The Shits that no one else wants to be seen having their photo taken with as they’re a bit ‘rag tag and bob tail’, a bit ‘urchin-like’, a bit ‘outlandish’ (I think you get the picture). So, I have a question for the lads from the Black Country: why were you so happy to receive an award (best British Group) when The Shits is the exact establishment they have been so against in the past? Why the sudden ‘sucking up to the man’? It’s amazing how quick people can sell out as soon as someone waves a piece of metal stuck onto a piece of wood under their noses that’s guaranteed a few extra thousand sales at the tills isn’t it? I’ve personally lost a bit of respect for them after the other night. As for Tom Meighan’s impression of a flying trapeze artist, that deserved an award itself! Quality, that lad Finally we come to the main even of the evening: Liam ‘Pantomime Horse’ Gallagher!! Hahaha, I’m still laughing at it now about it to be honest. Would anyone like to take a guess at who he was actually aiming the award at? It couldn’t have been Noel as he wasn’t there (probably in bed with a cup of hot milk). Lady Ga Ga? Nah, it would have just bounced off her outfit. Robbie Williams/ Nah, it would have bounced off his ego. Roll on next year for: Liam Gallagher; Outstanding Nutcase Award presented by a certain R Willaims from Stoke and then thrown at a certain C Cole from Newcastle’s head? I really can’t wait for that! Mol