Born In The USA? ... Er, Hardly!

The missus was in the shower the other day, I knocked on the door, she whispered “who is it?” to which I replied “it’s Gerald, the plumber”. She opened the door and casually, I walked in and started to massage her soapy, steamy ti ….. er … hang on a minute! Wrong Blog! Anyway, as she showered away, I could hear her singing some jaaaag song by Scouting for Girls or whoever the fuck it was and I thought to myself “oh Jesus fucking Christ on ice, not more American crap!” But, then it hit me and I realised they aren’t from America, they’re British! Anyway, after contemplating re-enacting the famous scene from Psycho or pursuing the possibility of a soapy tit wank, I got thinking: why do so many British singers sing in this American accent? Now, by no means is this posting anti-American, on the contrary as America has produced many great bands that I greatly admire and is steeped in rich musical history, but these artists/bands I will refer to are British and not American. Take a few British singers for instance: Rod Stewart, Elton John, Brian Johnson, Robbie Williams and the great Robert Plant all have big sounding America accents when they sing. Now, believe me when I say they shouldn’t all of a sudden turn into Chas ‘n Dave, Michael Caine or Grant & Phil Mitchell, but don’t you think they should sound a bit more, well … British when they sing? As astonishing it may be that so many of these artists sing the way they do, there really is one true expert at singing in an American accent. As you all know I’m a pretty big fan of The Stones, but Sir Mick has not only mastered the ability to sing in a perfect American accent, but he has got each regional American accent down to an absolute tee! Some achievement if you ask me. If you don’t believe me have a listen to ‘Wild Horses’ (Texas), ‘Far Away Eyes’ (West Coast/Bakersfield) & ‘Fingerprint File’ (East Coast/New York). I urge you to listen to these tracks and you will be truly stunned and think you are actually listening to Gram Parsons or Kenny Rogers. Pure genius But it’s not just the British who are guilty of mimicking the accents of our cousins over the pond, look at The Vines, INXS & AC/DC (all from Australia), Soundtrack of our Lives, The Hives, Roxette & Abba (all from Sweden) and The Trills (Ireland). All of these singing a very strong American accent! And please take note of this for the record: I do not (repeat: do not) possess any Roxette albums. Ok? Now, I, and everyone else reading this blog know how much of an impact and influence American music had/has on British music and culture during the 50’s, 60’s & 70’s with many British artists taking influence from many American Blues artists such as John Lee Hooker, Howling Wolf, Robert Johnson, Bo Diddly, Muddy Waters & Jimi Hendrix, but that was then and this is 2009, some thirty - forty years later. Many influences have come and gone for the artists of today such as Punk and Britpop to take their inspiration from, many of whom are British. So why do we have to rely so heavily on American music to inspire our vocal style of today? After all since the above years have passed we have had any musical revolutions such as Punk Rock, Metal and Britpop all massive influences on today’s music that has well and truly left it’s ‘stamp’ on bands of today. There are the odd exceptions to the rule with regards singing in an American accent with likes of Blur, The Sex Pistols, The Clash, Super Furry Animals, The View and The Proclaimers (who do sounds remarkably like a cross between Russ Abbot’s ‘See-You-Jimmy’ character & The Krankies), but these are very few and far between. But it’s not all doom and gloom on the accent front chaps. Many fine British bands are breaking through at the moment who do actually sound like they are from these shores so maybe all is not lost after all: Alan Donohue from The Rakes is one of the finest social commentators since Jarvis Cocker, Maximo Park are the first band since Lindesfarn and the first singer since Jimmy Nail to sing in a Geordie accent, The View sound like Billy Connolly after seventeen lines of cocaine and a night out drinking shit loads of Stella and The Enemy sound like Barry from Auf Weidersein, Pet with a rather angry cob on! There’s enough British sounding vocalists there you could shake a stick at! So, if you’re sick to death of listening to these Trans Atlantic sounding Brits, sit back, put your feet up, put Quadrophenia on, get yourself a can of warm Carling and have a rootin’ tootin’ good time yaall and remember: be careful out there. I’m off for a ‘soapy’ (better get me Lynx out) Mol

Come One My Face ... Book

Everyone I know these days pretty much uses Facebook, Myspace or one of the many other social networking sites. Either way you try to escape it you really can’t (even if some people you know set up pages using your name!!) One bird I know spends all night on it when she gets home and gives it her full un-divided attention (her kids probably know her as ‘that fat bastard who sits upstairs on the computer all night eating Curly Wurleys & Chomps’) the same girl in question has even admitted to me that she does not clean her house or cook for her three children!! Obsessively shocking I know, but not everyone I know spends all day telling people about how big one of their shits was on these social networking sites. It doesn’t really get on my nerves as such, but it can be slightly irritating as it seems some people’s lives are pretty much dictated by FB or MS. Now I know I’m gonna get loads of shit from some of you Facebookers who read this as you all know I don’t ‘do’ Facebook, but these social networking sites do a have plus side apart from meeting young men/women for a good old shag when you get home from the pub … they’re pretty helpful for un-signed musicians and bands. The other day Neil mentioned on one of my Blogs about bands gaining recognition through hard graft of their own doing. It got me thinking about a few months back when I remember having a conversation with a musically learned friend of mine about what Radiohead did with their last album ‘In Rainbows’. In case you didn’t know they released it as a free of charge download without the ‘services’ of a record label. This was seen by many (including me) as a pivotal moment in music history and a chance for many artists to break free of the corporate shackles most massive over-powering record labels like to strap to their ankles. Had Radiohead had enough of boardroom executives telling them what they could and couldn’t release and finally seen the light? Or did they get sick of the fact they were not being paid enough for their music? When Radiohead did release ‘In Rainbows’ free of charge they made it available for people to make a ‘donation’ or ‘contribution’ on the website they released it via if they wish to. This almost guaranteed some return of sale as there are no doubt plenty of generous die-hard Radiohead fans out there who would contribute pretty much anything at the drop of a hat. As they had no interference from a label attached to them during the ‘sale’ of the album the band made an absolute killing from donations from loyal fans and basically cut out the middle men (A&R, promotions, marketing, distributors, managers, execs, overheads, etc, etc) and proved to many established and up and coming bands that you can release an album without the help of a label. Now, as my afore mentioned friend said in his argument there is a massive difference between a band of Radiohead’s stature and appeal and that of four snotty nosed Scals who praccy in crash studios twice a week. Everyone knows if Radiohead released a fart (though some may well think I’m pretty much on the money with that comparison) it would sell and sell well. Bob Dingle and the Hairy Bollock Orchestra from some council estate in Huyton on the other hand though would have to work extremely hard to get themselves in the public eye. But there has been the odd exception when it comes to un-signed acts. As well as having alphabetically arranged CD’s, I’m also pretty sad enough to admit I used to watch Dragon’s Den. A few months back there were a band on called Hamfatter. Not really my cup of tea musically and the band’s manager was a bit of a Herbert, but, and it’s a big but: they went on the show looking for investment and backing so they could do all the normal stuff most bands do after they sign a record contract and receive some sort of cash advance like: release album, videos, tour, promotion, smash hotels up, etc … and they got it courtesy of Peter Jones (he’s the lanky streak of annoying piss who looks like Phil Pugh by the way – not Ryan Babel). I can’t say I’ve followed the progress of Hamfatter since they appeared on the telly, but what I hear is they are doing pretty well all with the help of some well connected business man and without the help of a record label. That speaks volumes to me as it’s a hell of a lot better than some bands do with a record contract (just look at The Zutons current position for example) Apart from getting your balls sucked by some rat from Page Moss, another plus side of using social networking sites is to think of the money bands spend advertising and marketing (which is actually paid back to your label by you – the band by the way) when you could basically advertise the date for you latest release or next tour on your Facebook or Myspace page free of charge. An alternative to the previous two is also to create your own website or go through the shady back street process of Fly-Postering (Ben: remember that time by the Mardi? – hahaha) Having read plenty of stories from some musicians about the perils and pitfalls of the music industry (one being the swimming pool that is full of shit you have to swim across scenario, I’ll find the story for you some time and show you it as it makes a pretty eye-opening read) it does make me wonder why some musicians continue their quest for the Holy Grail that is a record contract. Record execs (in my opinion) do nothing except delay most of their band’s progress by insisting the stuff they are about to put out is not up to their standards (even though some of these cigar smoking dickheads have never actually played an instrument or been part of a successful band in their lives). That, for me, is the root of all evil in music and it comes down to one precious thing: money and how much of it the greedy men at the top are going to make from your music!! Maybe Radiohead did change music for the better? Maybe they were greedy and just wanted to show their label that they don’t like being ripped off? Maybe they were sick of having to answer to someone? Who knows? I know most people who read this would gladly change places with someone who has the choice to just fuck off his boss and ‘go it alone’. But, at least Radiohead did one thing many many bands all around the world strive to do with their music: they did it on their terms and they are reaping the rewards!!! So, if your good enough and you have the will and drive to make it and have a decent fan base, who says you don’t need a label? That’s gotta make any musician feel ten feet tall … even if you are Thom Yorke! Mol

I'm Alright Jack, Keep Your Hands Off My Stack!

I was reading a rather interesting interview last week with the current chairman of the Brit Awards Panel: Ged Doherty. He said the British Music Industry is currently in a good position and is coping well with the global recession. Nice of him to say, isn’t it, especially as he is probably ‘earning’ way in excess of a six figure pay packet plus other lucrative ‘kickbacks’ no doubt. He also followed with some typical British doom & gloom comments about those scurrilous pesky downloading kids currently ‘ruining’ his plans for global musical domination (and also reducing the contents of his wallet) that really got my goat. Doherty went on to say that out of the six top selling acts in the world currently, four of them are British (Leona Lewis, Amy Winehouse, Duffy & Take That) These acts are making millions each year out of album & download sales as well as sponsorship deals and commercials (the one with Take That frolicking around with that bevy of beauties at crimbo still makes me feel sick to my boots by the way), but they are still missing out on the extra pennies being siphoned off their profits due to illegal downloading. Well boo fucking Hoo!! My heart fucking bleeds for them. By the way, I’m sorry to keep banging on about The Brits, but shit sticks doesn’t it and I do mainly write about stuff that gets my goat. That’s probably the reason you all love me so much isn’t it? Haha Anyway, last time I checked this country (and most of the world) was in a deep recession that could last for years leaving families with serious financial problems. People are being laid off from their jobs left, right and centre and the world is on the brink of financial collapse. Yet, Doherty and the rest of his well off well connected cronies are moaning about the small handful of illegal down loaders cutting into their profit margins by an approximate 5% each year! What an absolute tight-fisted scare mongering greedy twat! Personally, because of people like Doherty coming out with such comments like he did, I think it’s no wonder people ‘obtain’ their music via Limewire, illegal Russian websites, Pirate Bay and pirate CD copying. They still sound the same so why not run the gauntlet of obtaining them against the law instead of paying the rip off prices you would pay for them legally? The chances of you getting caught are pretty unrealistic anyway and what’s the worse that could happen, a nasty letter from Richard Branson saying “you could be in very big trouble, Sonny”? I’m literally shaking in my brand new Virgin boots you silly bearded faced tit! Which brings me to the nice role model over-paid superstars of today: Not all of us can afford the nasty little habits the likes of Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and many other of these sauced-up musicians and record execs alike have. Doherty & Winehouse have probably emptied half of South America up there noses yet they still moan about being ‘tormented’ while they sit in their luxury flats throwing punches (and lawsuits) at photographers whilst crying poverty and moaning about isolationism and all the other bullshit that comes with it. Musicians are experts at exploiting themselves in the eyes of the media as some sort of victims who the world has dealt a ‘bad hand’ to. Sadly there are enough suckers who are taken in by it. Look at some of the current pop stars selling their ‘stories’ through tabloid newspapers and publishers (with the help of a good writer, of course). Last time I looked I’m pretty sure Cheryl Cole has had two or three autobiographies during her fledgling pop career. Coldplay have released at least the same. God knows how many Metallica have had. Yet you still hear them banging on today about how much money they are losing via the black market. Heartbreaking isn’t it? I mean, it must be hard living in million dollar mansions in plush suburbs of Los Angeles & London without a financial care in the world while shovelling astronomical amount of marching powder up their nostrils mustn’t it? Another thing that gets me about these bastards raking in obscene amounts of money is the fraud aspect that gives them so many sleepless nights in their luxury four-poster beds. Now, don’t get me wrong here, I’m not really that bothered about people downloading music illegally as it can be quite an expensive hobby to obtain music through official channels as I’ve pointed out, but given the amounts of money that does pump through the music industry don’t you think the people ‘at the top’ should start investing some of their money into more advanced fraud prevention measures instead of spending all their time sitting on their yachts in Monaco drinking champagne and snorting cocaine off their 19 year old girlfriend’s brand new fake tits? Whoever coined the phrase Thatcher’s (greedy) Children was indeed right on the money (no pun intended by the way) So, next time you hear about some stuck up rich pop stars or Billionaire record executives going on about how their impoverished and privacy-invaded lives are ‘getting them down’ and that they’re missing out on an extra few pennies or how illegal downloads are ruining music, don’t rush to buy their book or their ‘story’ in Hello magazine and certainly don’t waste your sympathy on them. Just laugh at them and don’t give them the steam off your piss. They’ll think and do the same if it were you in their position. And finally, if you think illegal downloads are ruining music in a financial sense, take a look at the lifestyles these dickheads have and then compare it to someone who wants to have a bit of musical enjoyment in his life in these hard times by listening to music … but can’t as they’re on the dole. Different world isn’t it? Mol