Doing Their Best? ... Hardly!

I was watching the telly the other night and, to my amazement, an advert came on for The Best of Ultravox. Hahahaha, I nearly laughed my shells off. The Best of Ultravox? Er, hang on a minute there, Midge & the gang, don’t you mean ‘Vienna’? By the way hands up anyone who can name another song by Ultravox off the top of their head? Answer: no one!

Now, what Ultravox are suggesting here with their best of album would be like Van Halen releasing a best of album with twenty different versions of ‘Jump’, T’Pau doing fifteen versions of China in Your Hand, Berlin releasing thirty different versions of Take My Breath Away and Doctor and the Medics doing forty different versions of Spirit in the Sky (although I’ve heard they actually do five versions of that when they play live) Sad state of affairs wouldn’t you agree? But once again, there is a reason behind these ridiculous compilations, and, in my opinion, it has a lot to do with that root of all evil stuff that supposedly makes the world go round. To date, I’ve actually lost count of how many best of albums the likes of The Stones, The Beatles and er … Take That have released. Even Girls A-Fucking-Loud have released one!!! It’s obviously plain to see that these albums are devised by the band’s greedy management and record label heads trying to cash in on a band who are about to leave their books or indeed bands who have actually left their books. Robbie Williams, if there’s the slightest chance your reading this (in between your UFO weekly magazine, of course) I’d just like to say a few words = you massive bell end!!

If you happen to own a copy, have a look at the sleeve notes on ‘Hot Rocks’ by The Stones. You will notice that every song on the album is released under the Decca label. At the time in 1971 the label was owned by a rather unscrupulous business man called Allen Klien. Klien tried to tie The Stones into a major long term contract with Decca, but they were advised not to and instead set up their own label: Rolling Stones Records. This is the reason why so many big labels try to secure acts for many years and many albums = so they can own the rights and release best of albums after best of albums if the band decide to scarper and join another label if they receive a better offer. What ever way you look at it the songs are still the same, just re-packaged into a different shiny CD cover and box. And if you happen to buy them all, I say more fool you for being such a sucker.

There is one thing other than bands that have had one famous hit that gets me about best of albums, and that’s the bands that have been going five minutes and released a load of crap singles instead of releasing a good few albums of quality over a period of years that actually warrant a best of album. Fine examples of this being Girls Aloud and the other similar feminist bint band of bean-flickers The Spice Girls. To date they have notched up … wait for it … two studio albums each (that’s excluding the best of album) So, quick stock check here: two studios albums and one best of album. I calculate that if Girls Aloud honours their existing contract with their label and release six albums that will mean at the time of their sixth album release they should then have had three best of albums. That makes a grand total of nine albums (six studio & three best of) Agree? Good. I’ll go into The Pussy Cat Dolls statistics some other time (Wahaaaayyy)

But, at the end of the day, what really annoys the balls off me is that it really does come down to money doesn’t it? So why can’t these bands who release these very premature (and in most cases very shit as even the best of albums are basically full of album fillers with one famous hit) best of albums negotiate these embarrassing money making ‘ventures’ before they sign a contract with these massive exploiting record labels? Why can’t they ‘stand up to the man’ instead of being hoiked into a contract straight away instead of acting like greedy wanna be capitalists? Because, if you really think about it, that’s what they are deep down and before you know it they’re featuring on the next MTV Cribs programme showing the cameras around their glorious house (or are they their houses?). Either that or sort your self out and look for a decent manager who will actually look after your best interests and follow that up with writing decent songs worthy of being on a best of album.

So, a few words of advice for any wannabe greedy singers should think about: a new career working in a bank, being an MP (with a moat or a ‘duckhouse’, of course) or gladly kissing Alan Sugar’s bollocks and his arsehole on a full time basis. Either way, you’d make more money than a musician does and you’d have the right qualifications for being an absolute complete twat in the process.

Better get that CV printed off as well!