Gimme Shelter CAN Buy Me Love

So there I was, sat in my beautiful garden on a warm October’s Sunday morning having a brew contemplating the problems of the world such as the reasons certain Swedish furniture manufacturers make tables so easy to assemble and so ridiculously impossible to re-assemble!!, the religious significance of ringing bells at eight thirty in the fucking morning and continental Europe’s obsession with mullets and double denim and most important of all: who do you prefer, The Beatles or The Stones? Everyone knows that when it comes to the greatest British band there has always (and always will be) two contender. Much has been said of late regarding The Fab Four with the likes of the launch of their rather sac-religious new Guitar Hero game and all the other exposure in certain media outlets. It really has been ‘their time’ of late and I, for sure, am one who is getting rather sick of it all mainly down to the fact that Sir Paul & Yoko Ono are fucking raking in money which they really do not need. So, I’m gonna stick up for (who I consider) to be the greatest: Ladies and Gentlemen: The Rolling Stones! Now, I know your gonna give me a bit of stick regarding my last comment about Ono & McCartney raking in the cash as The Stones have been touring way too long for a lot of people’s liking and making unbelievable amounts of money in the process, but I genuinely believe that Mick ‘n Keef love touring and would feel like a fish out of water if indeed they were to hang up their guitars and make full use of their bus passes. But come on now! Can you really see the two of them sat at home writing their memoirs with their slippers on drinking a glass of warm milk before bedtime each night? Neither can I. I know a lot of people see them as a laughing stock, but I really don’t think they give a fuck what people think, that’s why they continue to tour Now, you must believe here when I say I’m not having a go at Beatles fans, But I’ve always felt there has always been a certain degree of mocking towards Stones’ fans when it comes to actual talent. I sometimes think it borders on snobbishness to be honest as most of them can compare a Stones album to something AC/DC would release (you know what your gonna get) where as many Beatles fans see them as innovators and pioneers of modern music and they see the Stones as mere ‘donkeys’ of rock ‘n’ roll. Another thing people harp on about when talking about The Beatles is always Ringo and his ‘other’ abilities apart from drumming. Personally I’ve no idea what these special powers are, but, batting for The Stones as their ‘all rounder’ was the late great Brian Jones. Jones could basically turn his hand to any musical instrument and he was, after all, the man who formed The Stones and, bizarrely enough, went onto manage Jimi Hendrix. We all know the rest as regards Hendrix’ career. So we have a lot to thank him for even though the horrible bastard did used to knock the shit out of his girlfriend Anita Pallenberg (good job Keith stepped in when he did eh?) I feel one of the most important things that we also have The Stones to thank for is the birth of Arena Touring. Their 1969 tour of America was such a massive hit for everyone involved (promoters, fans and the band to name a few) that they quite simply set the trend when it came to large scale touring operations of the likes you see today Influential albums: When ever you see one of them top 50 albums of all time programmes, I’ll guarantee the old chestnuts are there such as Ok Computer, Pet Sounds and of course Sergeant Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band. Sadly, for me, there is one album that is usually missing from that list. Not that I lose any sleep over it not being in one of these top ten lists, but Exile on Main Street is not so much the finest Stones album, but it is the finest album ever made. I usually get asked by some people what is my favourite album and that is always out of my before they’ve finished their question. No ifs. No buts. Its such a fantastic album not just because of the amazing songs it contains (Rocks Off, Shine A Light, Let It Loose, Ventilator Blues, Tumbling Dice = to name just a few), but it’s the whole circumstances The Stones found themselves in at the time it was recorded. If you didn’t know they were on the verge of bankruptcy due to the tax laws in Britain at the time and had to flee the country to live in Keith Chateau in the South of France. Drink and drugs were plenty and the band were pretty much knackered from the afore mention touring. Hence the name = Exile on Main Street. It really is a wonderful album though, and if you do not possess a copy, shame on you! Now, before you ‘Beatle-Heads’ jump back on my throat and say The Beatles has more than one influential album in the form of ‘Revolver’, ‘The White Album’, and ‘Abbey Road’, I must also point out that for these three albums The Stones also released the likes of ‘Beggars Banquet’, ‘Sticky Fingers’ and, what many Stones’ fans consider their finest hour: ‘Let It Bleed’. Tit for Tat I suppose you could say? Now, I’m gonna end this blog with a degree of sentimentality. Everyone pretty much knows my love for The Stones and I really could go on all day about them (I usually do anyway much to the displeasure of most of my friends), but, gladly for you, I’m not. But I will leave you with this: when a band is well and truly deeply embedded in your heart there is quite simply no way to ever get them to leave. No matter what they do, no matter who they end up having kids with, no matter who they kill and most important of all: no matter what kind of shit they release, they will still be there giving you that tingly feeling you had when you first heard Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Satisfaction, Gimme Shelter and Street Fighting Man. Great music and great bands do that to people. That’s what makes them great. So while you’re on the internet, go and buy Exile on Main Street. You’ll thank me for it one day. Mol

The Rough With The Smooth

I was talking to some bird in work last week about Jamie T. Turns out she’s a pretty big fan of him, but I can take him or leave him to be honest. But, as we talked, she came out with a really good point: he has character. And you know what? … She was spot on! So it got me thinking: where have all the bad lads, or lads who have a bit of, well, laddishness about them gone? It’s actually quite apt that this conversation took place during the same month Noel & Liam put down their fist-e-cuffs and parted company as the two of them (love them or hate them) did have a certain aura about them that made them the modern day bad boys that were mainly loved by the people, but seen as a hate figure in the eyes of the (conservative) press. They will be missed (not for their music – in my opinion), but for the sheer cheek and camaraderie that oozed from them (when they we’re ‘talking’ to each other, of course) Today, the only time you get to see lads being, well, lads these days is by walking the streets as it’s basically the only place (not within eye shot of the Rozzers) people can get away with ‘offending’ anyone if you know what I mean? If you want to be a ‘rascal’ these days in the eyes of the media – forget it! Chances are you’ll end up in court for putting two fingers up to a photographer or telling someone to go fuck themselves due to the draconian laws that exist in this country these days with all things celebrity being poked and probed at the slightest opportunity. You only have to see undercover photos and film footage of Kate Moss, Russell Brand and Dev from Coronation Street for examples. Soon as the tabloids get hold of them – they’re well and truely fucked! But, without sounding sexist here, maybe the world has finally lost interest in the likes of Ozzy Osbourne biting the heads off small mammals, Oliver Reed seriously intoxicated on some chat show stripping off to Wild Thing and the late great and greatly missed Keith Floyd knocking back the red wine while setting fire to someone’s kitchen and have become accustomed to the likes of the squeaky-clean Take Splatt, Snow (snore) Patrol, James Morrison and the Jamie Callums of this world and their soothing vocals guaranteed to get women ‘in the mood’. Personally they bore the fucking pants off me so much that I really can’t listen or even watch them without reaching for the sick bucket and shedding my tea! Sadly, the age of ‘the bit of rough’ has well and truly come to a rather abrupt end because of the afore mentioned modern day crooners and good looking pin-ups corporate-pleasing Satan cock sucking pop stars. Another example of the serious lack of testosterone in today’s music scene was last month’s Mercury Awards: Bats for Lashes, Le Roux, Florence and the Machine and the eventual winner Speech Debelle, all pretty much front runners for the award itself and all women. The less said about the fucking X Factor the better (I’m sick to fucking death of that pile of vile shite any way so …) And, you might laugh here and it might sound daft, but I think shaving, moisturiser and after shave adverts have also got a lot to answer for as these do nothing to promote the ‘male’ side of men and more to promote the more ‘feminine’ side of men. Just look at lasts years Tesco advert with Take Splatt spending Christmas with them birds dressed in their skimps for stunning example of men being absolute mincers! So chaps, do us a favour next time you go into work, tuck your shirt half way into your kex, don’t wear a tie, don’t shave for two days and most important of all: don’t wash your shells!! Bear Grylls = eat your heart out Mol

Doing Their Best? ... Hardly!

I was watching the telly the other night and, to my amazement, an advert came on for The Best of Ultravox. Hahahaha, I nearly laughed my shells off. The Best of Ultravox? Er, hang on a minute there, Midge & the gang, don’t you mean ‘Vienna’? By the way hands up anyone who can name another song by Ultravox off the top of their head? Answer: no one!

Now, what Ultravox are suggesting here with their best of album would be like Van Halen releasing a best of album with twenty different versions of ‘Jump’, T’Pau doing fifteen versions of China in Your Hand, Berlin releasing thirty different versions of Take My Breath Away and Doctor and the Medics doing forty different versions of Spirit in the Sky (although I’ve heard they actually do five versions of that when they play live) Sad state of affairs wouldn’t you agree? But once again, there is a reason behind these ridiculous compilations, and, in my opinion, it has a lot to do with that root of all evil stuff that supposedly makes the world go round. To date, I’ve actually lost count of how many best of albums the likes of The Stones, The Beatles and er … Take That have released. Even Girls A-Fucking-Loud have released one!!! It’s obviously plain to see that these albums are devised by the band’s greedy management and record label heads trying to cash in on a band who are about to leave their books or indeed bands who have actually left their books. Robbie Williams, if there’s the slightest chance your reading this (in between your UFO weekly magazine, of course) I’d just like to say a few words = you massive bell end!!

If you happen to own a copy, have a look at the sleeve notes on ‘Hot Rocks’ by The Stones. You will notice that every song on the album is released under the Decca label. At the time in 1971 the label was owned by a rather unscrupulous business man called Allen Klien. Klien tried to tie The Stones into a major long term contract with Decca, but they were advised not to and instead set up their own label: Rolling Stones Records. This is the reason why so many big labels try to secure acts for many years and many albums = so they can own the rights and release best of albums after best of albums if the band decide to scarper and join another label if they receive a better offer. What ever way you look at it the songs are still the same, just re-packaged into a different shiny CD cover and box. And if you happen to buy them all, I say more fool you for being such a sucker.

There is one thing other than bands that have had one famous hit that gets me about best of albums, and that’s the bands that have been going five minutes and released a load of crap singles instead of releasing a good few albums of quality over a period of years that actually warrant a best of album. Fine examples of this being Girls Aloud and the other similar feminist bint band of bean-flickers The Spice Girls. To date they have notched up … wait for it … two studio albums each (that’s excluding the best of album) So, quick stock check here: two studios albums and one best of album. I calculate that if Girls Aloud honours their existing contract with their label and release six albums that will mean at the time of their sixth album release they should then have had three best of albums. That makes a grand total of nine albums (six studio & three best of) Agree? Good. I’ll go into The Pussy Cat Dolls statistics some other time (Wahaaaayyy)

But, at the end of the day, what really annoys the balls off me is that it really does come down to money doesn’t it? So why can’t these bands who release these very premature (and in most cases very shit as even the best of albums are basically full of album fillers with one famous hit) best of albums negotiate these embarrassing money making ‘ventures’ before they sign a contract with these massive exploiting record labels? Why can’t they ‘stand up to the man’ instead of being hoiked into a contract straight away instead of acting like greedy wanna be capitalists? Because, if you really think about it, that’s what they are deep down and before you know it they’re featuring on the next MTV Cribs programme showing the cameras around their glorious house (or are they their houses?). Either that or sort your self out and look for a decent manager who will actually look after your best interests and follow that up with writing decent songs worthy of being on a best of album.

So, a few words of advice for any wannabe greedy singers should think about: a new career working in a bank, being an MP (with a moat or a ‘duckhouse’, of course) or gladly kissing Alan Sugar’s bollocks and his arsehole on a full time basis. Either way, you’d make more money than a musician does and you’d have the right qualifications for being an absolute complete twat in the process.

Better get that CV printed off as well!