I Am The Resurrection … (Again)

This week saw the news that there is a possibility of The Stone Roses re-forming. So, just give us a minute before I start while I do a massive yawn. ** yawns ** Ah, that’s better In the late eighties The Roses represented a change in attitudes towards music as they kind of morphed dance/rave music with indie guitar music. Not really groundbreaking stuff, but to many they were considered one of the greatest bands ever that released one of the greatest albums ever. Now, don’t get me wrong, I never disliked The Stones Roses, but I also never really got into them the way most people did (I was into heavier music at the time). I could take them or leave them really, but what does make me yawn is the whole process of bands reforming. I’m also in the mindset that thinks about the people who were fans of the band then and now. It was near enough twenty years ago when most people I know walked around in their baggy tops and semi flares wearing beany hats on top of their bowl head haircuts and dancing like Ian Brown. With all due respect I think most of us now have beer bellies and losing most of our hair so dancing around like king monkey man may well make those of us who were into The Roses look a bit daft (ala: Cozzy’s wedding) ahem. I also think the only interesting thing in this whole story would be to see Bobby Gillespie’s reaction to Mani leaving Primal Scream. Not too pleased I’d guess. Now, I know many of you avid readers will no doubt be pulling the hypocrite card out to show me after by Blog a few months back about Blur reforming. But, that for me personally was good news as I was a massive fan of Blur. The Roses, The Smiths & The Clash I am/was not. But as regards reunions in general, I, and most people, do know the only reasons most bands re-form is for the money. But, some bands are pretty special that they really don’t need to reform as they sold many millions of albums over their long or short careers. Just look at the likes of The Clash, The Smiths and up until now The Roses = all resisting the temptation of that extra pay day that could well result in the purchase of a small island off the Caribbean somewhere. A week doesn’t go by without the news of some obscure band from the seventies or eighties reforming (it’s only a matter of time before Dollar reform after David Van Day’s histrionics on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here). Even many modern bands have spilt up and re-formed. Most notably being The Verve and Take That. As everyone knows Take That are Satan’s little cocks suckers and would do anything for money, just look at their adverts for Tesco’s and Morrison’s (also see: Bill Hicks’ stand up routine about New Kids on the Block & Debbie Gibson) Now, I know that Take That are not really considered to be an ‘important bands’ when it comes to what most of us know as being decent music. But, they do have a massive fan base of millions and a band of that size reforming means a lot to the music industry’s (sorry for saying this) - ‘bigger picture’ … Reforming & new album & massive tour = money (and absolutely shit loads of it) and plenty of pairs of damp knickers up and down Britain to boot. Now, everyone who reads this knows I’m not the biggest fan of multi national corporate all-controlling music machines that most big labels are. The reasons for I won’t go into. And for me that is also the reason why I don’t like bands reforming as it’s just another example of how money can ruin things. Take a look at one of the ‘special’ bands for example: The Pixies were always considered to be one of the best bands to come out of the Seattle Grunge scene along with Nirvana & Soundgarden. A few years ago The Pixies announced they were reforming. They did the big glitzy press conference with all the fireworks and record execs doing back-flips about their reunion. But what I remember the most about the Pixies press conference was them announcing that there would be no new album, but just a tour. Their reasons = money (no doubt). I was gob smacked. Now, roll the clock forward and take another look at the possibility of The Stones Roses reforming. Do you really think they need the money? John Squire had a pretty successful few albums with The Seahorses, Mani has been in Primal Scream for nearly a decade, Ian Brown is considered to be one of Britain’s most successful male soloists and Reni … er, ok! Maybe he could do with a bit of spare cash, but lets be honest here their 1st (and maybe their 2nd) albums sold well and still sell pretty well today so I really don’t think all of them are short of a few bob. There are a few bands that I personally wouldn’t mind seeing get back together as they are the bands that never really made it big in a commercial sense. Bands like nineties indie rockers Gene for instance. They were a pretty good band who had some clever tunes, but were never really given a good crack of the whip. Instead we have the likes of The Stones Roses & Take That sweeping up the few remaining reserves of money that is left in the bare cupboard of the British Music Industry. Another favourite of mine, as most of you know, were Pavement. I would kill to see them play, but thinking about it from a logical & possibly an emotional sense, I don’t really think deep down I’d be happy about shelling out shit loads of money to watch a bunch of balding middle aged blokes with pot bellies pretending it was 1994 again knowing very well my hard earned cash is going towards their new found appetite for donuts and full fat coke addictions as they’re probably all too old to do the drink and drugs thing all over again. But, I’m gonna end this Blog now as all this talk of bands reforming for the money is actually making me feel pretty sick as to me, music isn’t all about money and promoting your celebrity in the long run is it? It’s about quality and credibility and giving your average person on the street the rare chance to feel good about them selves by listening to music that makes them happy isn’t it? Let’s just hope Shed Seven aren’t reading eh? Mol

The Thong Remains The Same

I write this Blog as I always like to say what’s on my mind when it comes to music. Whether that be controversial, or not, I really don’t care. So, without further a do its touchy subject time … A few weeks back I showed a copy of my Blog to a young lady I work with as she was kind of curious to see what I wrote about (you could say it’s my first Blog Groupie, or Bloupie if you like). As she read through it she commented on how sexist I sounded when referring to J-Lo’s fat arse and Christina Aguilera’s clothing (or lack of it) in some of their videos on a previous Blog of mine. Now, everyone knows I’m not at all sexist, just ask my Tart, her bird mates and a few of the chicks I work with and they’ll tell you the same. But, her opinion kind of got my goat in a way as I do work with a lot of women (that’s their official title anyway) and by no way is it a man’s world in my place of work with the majority of sexist comments directed towards us ‘useless’ men by women. But that’s a matter for the equality boffins and the PC brigade, I’m here to talk about music and sadly, the music in this country and abroad is going the same way … and it’s a perfect vision of music hell!!!!! Turn on the radio any day of the week, choose any channel and I will guarantee there will be a young female singer (I’ll stop saying the word ‘Bird’ now in the interests of equality and for any members of the fairer sex who may be reading this with some sort of voodoo doll of me about to receive a pin towards it’s gentleman’s area’) belting out one of her songs in true over-dramatic fashion. Have you ever noticed that some of them are in a competition to see who can fit the most key changes or who can get their voices to ‘wobble’ the most? I often think the radio is being tuned in by Michael J Fox! Anyway, if it’s not Leona Lewis trying to be Mariah Carey, then its Alexander Burke trying to sound like Christina Aguilera & Joss Stone rolled into one big pile of X-Factor shit! It is all so bleeding samey, whiney and ear-bleeding excruciating. Some of their songs could quite possibly be used in the treatment to remove plaque!!!!!! Apart from the wailing antics of all of the above there is also a new wave of very British sounding young ‘Ladettes’. In fact they are TOO British in my opinion. Take Kate Nash & Lilly Allen for example, that slight ‘cock-er-ney’ twang to their voices is on par with the wailing histrionics of the afore mentioned ladies on an annoying level. They sound like they’re holding a hot cup of tea whilst talking to Chas n Dave’s wives! Of course not all of the current crop of Female Warblers are that bad. There are the odd exceptions in the mould of the quite brilliant Amy Winehouse, (Linden) Lily Allen can be not that bad at a stretch as long as she keeps flashing her arse and the superb new MIA who fly the flag for quality British female singers. The Grammies a few months ago proved that. Let’s just hope Winehouse & Co don’t head down the same road as Pete Doherty and start to dabble in the murky world of hard drugs Right! Before the ultra-feminists start burning their bras in protest and start wielding pink pitch forks outside my house about this ‘outrage’ (as most of them will no doubt call it) I do know the male population of current solo singers has it’s fair share of annoying bores in the shape of James Morrison, James Blunt, Michael (Papa) Bublay Diop, etc, etc, but my main point is this: woman are too dramatic and over-extravagant in the public eye (and maybe public’s hearts if your Cheryl Cole) more than men are when it comes to singing, stage sets, videos, promotion and their all round performance. You only have to look at the seriously annoying Girls (shouldn’t be) Aloud & Kylie Minogue at the Brit awards. I lost count of the amount of costume changes they had during the evening. And as for their live singing, fuck me! I’ve heard better Mallards farting on a foggy night than some of them! No wonder they double or even treble track their vocals when they record. Which bring me to the most annoying part of their set up: Why the fuck do so many of these women have to burst into tears every time they win, lose or draw something??? To make matters worse once the water works start it spreads to my bird!!! My god, it is utterly pathetic. You only have to look at the closing ‘ceremony’ of last years X Factor or Duffy’s acceptance speeches at The Brit Awards for examples. Is there really any need for it? I mean for gods sake one video by Mariah Carey is bad enough, but a whole generation of them to follow suit crying their fucking eyes out like one of their dogs have just been gang-raped by a pack of sex-starved grizzly bears is way too much to take!!! Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!! It’s like some Orwellian Female Nightmare!! Hopefully, if I ever wake from this virtual female music nightmare I’ll wake up in a world of musical good taste, Babestation, AC/DC, The Rolling Stones, Beer, Pork Pies, Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men and all the boys sitting off having a good old laugh with not a single Rigobert in sight!! Pleasant equality dreams everyone (don’t forget the Kleenex) Mol

All We Are Saaaaaaaaayyyying, Is Giiiiiive Us Some Cash??

Last week saw the rather hilarious actions of a young woman taking part in a protest against the business secretary Peter Mandleson as she threw a cup of green custard over him splattering him right in the kite. This singular act of heroism proved one thing about people who believe in such a cause that such drastic measures are needed and indeed taken. In a way it got me thinking about protest songs and I realised one thing: I hate them and they’re shit! Thanks for reading, goodnight! Seriously though, I always associate protest songs with sweaty hippies, female singers with tits like bee stings or lunatic over the top lefties such as Billy Bragg!! Utterly annoying!! I have also come to the conclusion the people who write these songs are bad phoneys. So I was thinking the other day: do these people who write protest songs really believe in the ‘cause’ they are singing (or protesting) about or are they just in it for the money? If you listen to the ‘Whales’ of protest singers such as John Lennon, Bob Dylan & Marvyn Gaye and their songs about peace & confusion surrounding the Vietnam war, you might think they are genuinely concerned about the events in that country, but the sceptic in me thinks otherwise and says they are jumping on the peace song bandwagon (blowin’ in the wind, what’s goin’ on, give peace a chance, etc, etc) = all superbly written songs … which, and this is my main point her, also made the writers a hell of a lot of money. Is that their reasons for writing these songs, or were they too off their tits on acid and strong weed to know what they were really singing about? So, as this is a Blog about music I’ve done a bit of research on a couple of famous protest songs and their creators and come up with a few alternative reasons behind their lyrics/song background. Here are a few of my examples of so called protest songs and what they were maybe trying to point out … Big Yellow Taxi: Joni Mitchell. This is Joni Mitchell’s view of Hawaiian paradise rudely interrupted by her view of a massive concrete parking lot. Take these lyrics for example: "Took all the trees, put 'em in a tree museum/And charged the people a dollar and a half just to see 'em" Joni is obviously living in a different world with a totally unrealistic ideology (either that or she’s smoked way too much green) She also mentions farmers in Taxi about there being too much concrete in her afore mentioned Hawaiian paradise. Maybe she should look at all the un-used land that in absolute abundance across the USA because of red tape and write a protest song about that? She could call it Big Yellow Empty Field, maybe? Midnight Oil: Beds are burning. I think this is quite possibly the most shitbag, cowardly protest song I have ever heard. Take the lyrics in one part of the song for example: “The time has come to say fairs fair, to pay the rent, to pay our share,” Now, I can’t help but laugh when I hear this song, but this is obviously a song about land being snatched from the indigenous people of Australia. But how fucking defeatist does it sound? Obviously, after listening to this record, Aborigines all around Australia must be thinking “fuck me, I really believed in these guys and now their basically giving in to ‘the Man’ and letting them walk over us and build a massive casino or shopping complex on our holy land”. Maybe the band lost members of their family during the massive land grab that the marauding British convicts took from them many years ago? Who knows, either way you don’t set about writing a protest song about giving in do you? Pah! Rage against the Machine: Sleep Now in the Fire: Ah, RATM = everyone’s favourite little rich kids from the privileged backgrounds of Middle Class America going on about how much bad money has done to the U S of A and dream about the possibility of some sort of communist revolution taking hold (It’s also swelled their respective bank balances quite a lot as well). But, before you wanna write a song about the evils of the filthy mullah, it might be a good idea to not show off your million dollar mansions in an episode of MTV Cribs showing the people of the world how you live in luxury because of the X amount of million dollars you have ‘earned’. It’s a pity about the lyrics though as the song starts with an absolute demon riff from Tom Morello Public Enemy: Fight The Power. In my opinion released twenty years too late. The song should have been released in the early 60’s when blacks in some Southern American states were really being oppressed (or murdered you could say?) by the local rednecks. Now, Niall Ferguson I am not, but they’re a bit late with their message releasing the song in the 80’s, but good education for the youth of today willing to know about American racial prejudice. The Sex Pistols: God Save the Queen. A tongue in cheek message by anarchic lunatics who (rather intelligently) looked at the state of Britain in the late 70’s under the doomed Labour government of the time “There’s no future in England’s dreaming” Now, were these mindless lyrics or genuine heartfelt compassion for the demise of their own country? (Google: Britain under Harold Wilson’s Labour) What ever the case I actually think John Lydon was smarter then he made himself out to be. You only have to read his lyrics to see that. But, if you believe he wasn’t in it for the money, just look at his latest adverts for British Butter!! So, why do these songs exist and why, in fact, do protest singers exist? Are they gonna change a country’s legislation on war, education, religion, racial prejudice or the fact that Jaffa Cakes shouldn’t be in the biscuit isle in supermarkets? Nah! Somehow I don’t think any government in the western world are gonna give two shits if someone writes a song about them or has their picture taken with Bono & Nelson Mandela just so they can ‘push’ their cause. Personally I think politics & music is a walking musical disaster always destined to fail miserably. I’m not saying everyone should ‘down tools’ if you are about to write a protest song and start singing about love, fluffy teddy bears & women’s bottoms, but at least don’t try and take the piss out of your audience just because you have some sort of disjointed political belief when in fairness you just wanna make some money. At least give them that? So, as everyone’s feeling the pinch at the moment, let’s gather round in a circle, down a pint of warm lager from a plastic cup and pretend we’re in the Quad or The State and have a good old moral-lifting sing-a-long to the words of a famous John Lennon song … Aaaaallll together now … … “Aaaaaaaaall we are saaaaaaaaaaying, is giiiiive uuus some cash! ………” Peace out! Mol

All The Young Moods

As well as Rafa Benitez’s current position as manager of Liverpool FC, rumours are rife on the internet about the current antics of actor Joachim Phoenix. In case you don’t know about his recent behaviour he recently appeared on the David Letterman show in America sporting a rather shaggy beard and sunglasses whilst acting very strange indeed. In his ‘interview’ with Letterman, Phoenix stated he has recently started a career as a hip hop singer. Apparently Phoenix is that serious about this new line of ‘work’ that he has even done a number of ‘gigs’ in dingy clubs up and down Los Angeles. The reactions he received from his audience ranged from shit to damn right shit. But, some people across the internet celebrity gossip sites have suggested he is not entirely sincere or indeed serious about his new musical career, which got me thinking … how many musicians don’t take them selves seriously or moody? And who do? The answer is quite a lot DO! During my time as a musician my band mates and I had many conversations (that’s another word for argument or disagreement by the way) about how the band show go forward, musical direction, image (my shirts were often brought up), etc, etc. Although I did take a certain degree of seriousness about what we played and wrote, I never really paid much attention to taking myself serious. I still don’t. At the time I knew a lot of musicians who, you could say, had their heads firmly inserted so far up their own backsides they thought they actually were in some sort of super-dooper rock band, proper Spinal Tap aficionados I used to think. This one particular Tit Head we played with once wouldn’t even move his drum kit during one gig. You couldn’t even LOOK at it! I literally had the space of a postage stamp to stand, play guitar and sing on. The sad fact about this particular whopper and his gang of merry BO-ridden men was this = they weren’t massive rock stars. They were a bunch of un-signed Scouse Rockers destined to play to their parents and close friends until they reached a ripe old age when they just don’t look cool anymore. I didn’t get all that ego bullshit as it never appealed to me. Mart, Stu & Ben, can you guess who I’m on about? However, after the afore mentioned Phoenix interview and his belief that he may one day make it as a hip hop singer I really can’t help but think it’s a bit of a wind up, but, unlike Phoenix, most of the bands we played with over the years believed they could make it even though time was well and truly not on their side. Now, please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not having a go at bands. A mate of mine once told me that bands of today are for tomorrow. I truly believe that to be true, but why all the seriousness surrounding these once happy-go-lucky young chaps before they became embroiled in the venom encrusted world of music? Why all the bullshit? Why the shades wearing? Why the posing? Why the sulking? Why the snobbery? Why the same Lego-style haircuts? Why the extremely tight fitting Levi’s and Winkle Pickers? (And there was me thinking cloning was illegal) Another thing that really used to make my head tilt in an eastwardly direction was the attraction young ladies had towards some musicians. Don’t get me wrong I hardly had them queuing outside my bedroom door 24/7. In my opinion most musicians I know were either too moody to approach, scruffy bastards or just plain miserable sods, but you used to see them going out with some proper stunners! Why was that? Did they have cocks like a baby’s arm clutching a boiled heart? Or were they a complete shadow of there ‘rock star image’ once they got home? (Polar Neck Sweaters, Farrah Slacks, etc, etc) I personally think they paid most of them birds off to make them look good and turn a few heads in trendy ‘Scenester’ places like Korova or Le Bateau. It’s easily done by the way, my bird costs £30 a weekend (you’ve all probably got my number if you need her ‘services’ by the way) As regards to the Liverpool Music Scene, I do have fond memories of one particular band of whoppers. Now, I’m no shithouse, but I’ve made the decision to not name them as that’s up to you lot to find out. The one thing that really stood out about the band in question was their quite shocking fashion sense (I know: pot & kettle). At least three of them used to wear those ridiculous Afghan scarves when they played live, complete with the ubiquitous Converse trainees, leather jacket, t-shirt and jeans so tight you could tell if they were Jewish or not. I could really never get my head round bands who wore scarves on stage, I mean, stages are hardly the coldest of places now are they? One night, whilst managing The Decons we had a gig arranged at The Barfly in Liverpool with Howling Bells (a gig we were quite pleased with). To cut a long story short we had a few problems with this bird who worked there as the ‘promoter’ and as we had broken the ridiculous un-written rule of arranging another gig in Liverpool within two weeks of each other, this jumped-up Nazi demoted us down the running order and got in the afore mentioned band in to play ahead of us on the bill without telling us as a kind of punishment. We tried to talk this band out of it, but, with them being the posing selfish wanna be cock stars they are, they declined. That story, to me, summed up everything that is bad and selfish about musicians who would trample over there Nan’s body to reach the heady heights of fame!! Needless to say we never spoke to them again or set foot in the venue either. One thing is for sure though: they came out of the whole affair without their reputations intact. So, serious, moody musicians = love ‘em or hate ‘em? Sadly, they’re here to stay and they’re making dark, dingy corners of nightclubs and bars up and down the country thoroughly miserable places to be. So, If you happen to be reading this Blog and are in the process of starting or thinking about starting a band with a bunch of mates, remember this = it costs nothing to get on, but pays to be a prick! Mol

NME at the Gates of Oasis

Everyone knows my utter distaste for awards ceremonies, but last nights NME (or Enemy, which ever way you want to look at it) was another continuation of their obsession with Manchester Lumps Oasis! Will it ever end? I doubt it! Since Oasis released Definitely Maybe in 1994 they have had their once yearly blow jobs from the people who run NME guaranteed. 15 years of blow jobs for releasing boring drivel exactly designed to unashamedly rip off The Beatles, they must have friends in high places at the NME I think. Don’t get me wrong, Oasis have done wonders for British music and many decent bands have taken influence from them, but I can’t help but see them as another Rolling Stones who should have given up a good few years back. They’ve lost that swagger everyone used to admire about them in the mid nineties and replaced it with a boring, cynical view of the world music and much more to boot. Maybe that’s down to them being parents now or maybe they are just continuing to clutch at the fading straws of success and quality of music. And if you don’t believe all the bile (or the truth, even) that spouts from Noel Gallagher’s mouth you’ll notice he did say (in the words of his hero Pete Townsend) that he would retire once he has enough money so he wouldn’t become an embarrassing walking pension cheque. Good to see he’s stuck to his word eh? Another thing that annoys me about the NME awards is that they continue to nominate the same bands year in year out. The bands in question are Radiohead, Bloc Party, Muse & Oasis (with always one winner). I think it’s becoming pretty boring and very very tedious, but the organisers of the NME awards always see themselves as a decent alternative to The over embarrassingly camp Brit awards. I personally see it as more luvvy luvvy back slapping with the occasional controversial outburst from some drunken member of an un-known band or if Russell Brand is allowed to step foot on these shores again. As for their ‘other’ awards, they are pretty much the same on the annoying scale. The ridiculous villain of the year is always Robbie Williams, Amy Winehouse or George W Bush. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwnnnnn!! Change the fucking records lads. So, if you’re an employee of NME and are by any chance reading this, do us all massive favour, stop being so predictably boring and stop sucking Osais’ cocks, their getting too old for that sort of thing ye know? Mol

Roll Out The Dread Carpet!

So, it’s that time of year again when the red carpet is rolled out and everyone is made thoroughly sick by posing rock stars, shameless schmoozing and the cringe-worthy over-emotional acceptance speeches. It can only mean two things: Coldplay making tits out themselves and The Brit Awards – and what a completely staged, camp, over-the-top embarrassing affair it was! Whenever anyone mentions the Bit Awards they always at some point in the conversation mention the fateful debacle of Sam Fox & Mick Fleetwood when they hosted the event in the nineties. When the show went out (live) it was slated for its gaffs and cock ups. But, in my opinion, I thought it was utterly fantastic and remember laughing my head off all the way through (“er … over to you … Mick????”)!! Other notable Brits past ‘cock-ups’ included Jarvis Cocker invading Michael Jackson’s dance routine while he paraded himself as some kid of god-like figure in front of a load of kids (probably not the first time Jacko did that as well – allegedly). And the best of all was when some members from Chumbawumba threw a bucket of water over the then deputy Prime Minister John Prescott (good job they weren’t standing next to him or he probably would have sparked them) – all three brilliantly un-scheduled bouts of mayhem which no doubt had the producers pulling their hair out and of course provided lots of fun for us watching viewers at home. By the way, sorry about saying cock-up all the time, I can assure you I’m not Dennis Norden’s love child. So, after that reminiscing of the good old days of the Brit awards I’ll turn to the current nice, squeaky-clean, nearly-live cock-up free Brits and how they have become as exciting as a Chris Martin acceptance speech. The likes of Fox & Fleetwood have now been replaced with nice little manufactured pop stars and other notable celebrities from the world of showbiz such as Davina Fucking McCall and this year’s Brit hosts Kylie Minogue, the seriously un-funny James Corden and his Quegg mate with that moody suit on whose name does not come to mind. They all go totally by the book and keep the running schedule tighter than an S Club Junior’s gym suit and usher drunken rock stars Like David Hassellhoff off the stage quicker than you can say “I’d like to thank Gaaaaard”. The other ‘safety net’ the producers of the show and many other ‘live’ shows have is the concept of airing the show almost live. This, in case you didn’t know is having the show aired with a three or five second delay just in case anyone says a naughty word (bet the bosses at channel 4 wished they’d have thought of that before allowing Shaun Ryder on TFI Friday a few years ago eh?). They also employ an idea of muting certain parts of the dialogue for legal reasons. What ever legal reasons they may be just adds to the total embarrassment of the whole event and, in my opinion, makes the organisers look like utter dickheads. Which brings me to this year’s awards and the latest ‘hip’ band to be nominated: Year in year out everyone expects Take That & Coldplay to be nominated for every award under the sun even if they haven’t released anything, but I bet most people weren’t expecting Elbow to be there were they? Elbow! I bet most of the fourteen year old pre-pubescent kids who watch the awards will be looking at the nominations and thinking “who the fuck are Elbow?” the only reason Elbow featured is because of the bandwagon-jumping Brit Awards panel noticing they won the Mercury award! But, good on Elbow as I’m glad they won. Should boost their coffers no end due to the usual increase in sales a Brit award victory brings. Good set of lads as well. But, it’s not just Elbow that prompted so many WFT’s on Wednesday, here’s another nomination that was without doubt the most surreal of them all: best British Live band – Iron Maiden!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a massive fan of Maiden, but they do not belong at the Brits. Nico McBrain and the boys must have laughed their stuffed cod-pieces off when they received the news of their award!!! If only they could have been there in person and Eddie (he’s their mascot by the way) runs on stage and eats Kylie Minogue’s head. That would be up there with Jarvis, Fleetwood & Fox in my opinion. And by the way, can anyone tell me why Ian Brown & Paul Weller we’re nominated for best British Male when they have probably spent the last year or so sitting at home getting stoned? Mmm, might have to try that one sometime. Maybe I’ll get a pay rise at work. Then again ……. As regards categories, over the past few years The Brit Awards have had this knack of ‘creating’ an award for the newest hip thing in music. Anyone remember 2004 when The Darkness released ‘Permission to Land’? The album was a resounding success and outsold most other bands from different genres of music that year. So what did the Brits do? … They created an award for best Rock Group. This had never been done before in the history of the Brits so they jumped on the Darkness/Rock bandwagon so they could ‘have a piece of the action’ (see previous paragraph about Elbow) I suppose you could say, shameless arse kissing or a smart move for the promoters of the event? Either way I don’t think on the night of the awards The Darkness ever had they’re cocks sucked harder or in such abundance! Oh yeah, surprise surprise, they also won the rock award. You know what else I hate about The Brits (and every other awards ceremony)? - The category of Breakthrough Artist. This year’s Breakthrough Artist includes Adele. Now, don’t get me wrong, she has a fairly decent voice, but she is an exact replica of Amy Winehouse!! So, can you tell me what is ‘breakthrough’ about imitating another singer? If breakthrough was the case then Oasis would win this award year in year out for imitating The Beatles!! Another breakthrough act in this year’s awards were Scouting for Girls (or Scouting for Quilts as a mate of mine calls them). Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, but wasn’t their debut album released in 2007? That means they have taken nearly two years to ‘break through’. If they would have won maybe they should have change the title of the award to ‘Eventually Breaking through after years of banging their heard against a brick wall Artist’ Award? Another thing I noticed the other day about The Brits is they already have an album out of songs from Brit Award nominees. The advert consists of snippets of songs from five American artists and four British artists. Now, I don’t want to sound like Al Murray here, but the Brit awards are about British singers and British bands aren’t they? If not, shouldn’t it be called The Yanks with a few Brit Bands Awards? Finally, the most embarrassing thing I’m sure any respected musician must surely have to endure is receiving the life time achievement award. Not just at the Brits, but at any award ceremony. It’s basically a golden handshake with a welcome to the nursing home pass thrown in for good measure. I really do think any artists who receive this award shudder when the words ‘life time achievement award’ are mentioned as they have to perform that ridiculous medley of songs at the end. I don’t think there is anything quite as cheesy in music! Although two words are needed from the musician in question to offer to the organisers when the award is offered (the 2nd word is ‘off’ in case you were guessing). Personally I thought Brandon Flowers definitely should have chose them words instead of doing that damn right embarrassing duet with The Pet Shop Boys!! Truly shocking! And the less said about Flowers’ jacket the better, he looked like he just skinned and ate some sort of bird of prey back stage and stuck it’s feathers on his shoulder pads (he must have been watching Bear Grylls before he came out I reckon) So if you didn’t get a chance to see Duffy accepting her three awards while sounding like an over emotional Stephen Hawking gargling peppermint mouthwash, Chris Martin’s shocking contribution to the sello-tape and shocking outfit industry or ‘un-prepared’ speeches by novice musicians shitting themselves with fear at the prospect of having their arses grabbed by James Corden and his Quegg mate, don’t worry, ITV has every base covered. You can always watch the thirteen repeats again followed by The Brits after Show party, Brits Backstage, Brits Re-Visited and Brits Access all Areas VIP Lounge Extravaganza Special on ITV4 for the next eighteen weeks! If you get sick of that, you can always watch re-runs of Fox & Fleetwood on It’ll Be Alright on the Night … if your one of them people. Mol

Popped In, Sold Out

I was out last week for a mate’s birthday. Whilst talking to Rodders about music in a new bar in Liverpool called Mojo (I’d recommend it for the music, but you need a 2nd mortgage to get a drink in there) we were talking about one of our favourite artists = Iggy Pop. As well as being a highly influential singer in one of the 60’s greatest bands, The Stooges, Iggy stood for everything you wanted from a rock star: notoriety, danger, hell-raising anti-establishment and all round good old fashioned sticking it to the man!! … That is until he starred in that recent rather cringe-worthy car insurance commercial!!! Shame on you, Iggy! By the way, did you like what I did with the title of this Blog? Everyone knows that multi-global products and corporations use well known faces from the world of entertainment to endorse their products, but you usually expect to see people like George Clooney, Michael Jackson or Cannon & Ball popping up between your weekly fix of Coronation Street (or if your Pughy: Sex in the City) One particular set of characters you don’t expect too see are Rock Stars who have a history of drink & drug abuse to be advertising them. I often wonder why these companies have to pay so much money for a ‘face’ when they could spend only a fraction of their money on a relative un-known. An idea would be for them to hire some random fella from the street telling everyone why the product is so good? Imagine some Kidda from ‘The Johns’ doing an advert for Pepsi: “Er, e ar Lid, buy dis Pepzi as it’ll get ye tool sucked by some rat at de back o’ de Aggies Labour club”. If that doesn’t make you rush out and buy a bottle of Pepsi, I don’t know what will!! Personally, I don’t touch such vulgar sugar-based products!! The biggest of all sell outs in rock music though has to be the mighty all-American Kiss. They basically sold everything ranging from dolls, ashtrays and I’m sure they even made Kiss Dildos available as well at some point!!! At the height of their fame they even did a low budget (other words for: shite) film that turned out to be utter hawk!! The film was that bad fans of the band did what every disgruntled youth of the late 70’s and early 80’s did and smashed their Kiss records in the street then set fire to them. These antics always baffled me as they could’ve at least waited for the emergence of Ebay and maybe make a few quid from them! The other most notable sell out had to be from Sigue Sigue Sputnik in the early eighties. They were the first band ever (and probably the only band still to date) to advertise a product, in this instance it was L’Oreal, in between songs on their debut album ‘Flaunt It’. Personally I couldn’t see the head of the L’Oreal Corporation’s marketing department keeping his job for much longer after taking that decision due to the fact that the band didn’t play their own instruments or even sung live (allegedly) Oh, and they were utter shit as well (fact)! There is another type of sell out in music: The Political Music Sell Outs! Anyone ever remember a band called Hooty and the Blowfish? They ‘ran’ with Bill Clinton during his election (I did say election then by the way) of 1996. after their ‘successful’ spell at Bill’s side I thought they should have changed their name to Hooty and the Blow-Job Fish in honour of Bangin’ Bill’s (alleged) affections for the fairer sex. They could have done a superb version of ‘Wham! Bam! Thank You Mam’ by The Small Faces to boot!! Eighties glam metal band Twisted Sister also went on the campaign trail with Arnie Schwarzenegger during his election as Governor of California belting out their ‘classic’ ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’ in front of Arnie’s adoring crowd of voters. Hahaha, always made me laugh that as Arnie faced numerous protests from Gay Rights activists about his stance on gay marriages during his campaign trail. We’re not gonna take it (up the arse) would have been more appropriate don’t you think? Other American political sell outs include: Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder and, er, Paris Hilton! Although the artists (and celebrities) in question will always come out with the usually bullshit of “really believing in this man/woman to lead our country to great things” Yeah yeah yeah, why don’t you tell us why you’re really doing it for mate? Ch-ching! As regards British music sell outs and politics does anyone remember D-ream? Do you really believe D-ream thought things were ‘gonna get better’ under Tony Blair’s New Labour? Er, I don’t think so, they couldn’t give a shit about his political ideology as they absolutely raked in the £££’s due to their song being used in the 1997 election. Things well and truly got better for them!! Pity the rest of the country didn’t receive such a fiscal boost to their incomes isn’t it? Right! … Proper Rant Time (Had a pretty bad week so …) Which brings me to British Supermarkets: Ah, supermarkets, everyone’s favourite place. And if you have believed what most adverts tell you, you have a pretty good chance of clashing trolleys with Richard Hammond or Denise Van Outen whilst out doing your weekly shop!! I’m surprised Richard Hammond wasn’t sitting in the kid’s seat anyway!!! Prick! Anyway, the one that really gets to me is that M&S advert with Take That and that bevy of busty babes cavorting around the house in they’re sweats! Totally fucking outrageous! Imagine going round to your Ma’s on Christmas day and you walk into the living room and Gary Barlow is banging the arse off Michael Essien’s bird underneath their Christmas tree? M&S Christmas or S&M Christmas? Either way, it’s never really gonna happen (unless your Take That, or course) is it? And it’s not as if Take That have enough frigging money in the first place is it? No! They have to go and rub it into the rest of us penniless bastards faces by spending Christmas in the afore mentioned house with a choice of outstanding birds queuing up to suck them off while they contemplate what jumper to wear for their Evening’s game of Charades!! Oh, and just to make matters worse: they even supply one of their songs for the Morrison’s advert!! Total bastards! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand breathe So, next time you go to Tesco, think about who you’ll vote for at the next election or wince at the sight of Lenny Henry arsing about in a certain low budget hotel chain’s bath with a rubber fucking duck, think about the money most of the above hard-working musicians/celebrities have earned for their days work and think to yourself: do they really need it? As you’re doing that think about this quote from the late, great and much missed Bill Hicks (who would be turning in his grave now had he witnessed the Take That M&S advert no doubt) … “Is anybody in here involved in marketing or advertising? … If so, kill yourself! I’m serious, kill yourself!” Mol