Rock Biopics = Yawn!!!

Just been reading about a new film coming out next month about John Lennon’s life towards the end of his career in The Beatles. As soon as I read the write up on it I thought “not another cheesy rock-biopics!” looks like I’m not gonna be disappointed either! If its not clichés galore like trashing hotels and failed romances with groupies, it’s predictable storylines about rags to riches and hit songs done in one take! Boring boring utterly fucking boring! I remember going to see the debut of The Doors in the early nineties at the multi plex pictures in Croxteth (that’s the nice part of Liverpool in case you didn’t know). It has to be the one and only time I’ve seen police inside there due to the amount of pot heads skinning up. The film, although full of the afore mentioned clichés, didn’t fail to impress as Oliver Stone made one of the best rock biopics I’ve personally seen. A rarity in the film world! But there has been some utter shit! Anyone ever seen the, not one, but two films about The Beach Boys? Fuck me, that is one seriously shit film!!! I know The Beach Boys had a few albums out and did generally do a hell of a lot of touring during their lengthy careers, but to fit it all into two 2 and a half hour feature length films is bordering on the ridiculous and seriously taking the fucking piss!! The worse part of the film though is the bit when Dennis Wilson is introduced to Charles Manson. They guy who plays Manson looks like Happy Gilmore’s Caddy. You’ve gotta watch it just for that as absolutely you’ll laugh your fucking arse off Other notable shit music films include the rather cringe worthy ‘Almost Famous’. It’s like a combination of all male bravado rock star chaps and nicey nicey fluffy bunny-like birds all mixing together as a band try to break into superstardom from the dole drums of rock obscurity. It also contains the obvious rock myths that all bands sing together on the tour bus, band members taking drugs and the ever present story line of a band about to break up due to some sort of jaaag fight! No pun here, but you’d think any director taking up this kind of challenge would change the fucking record wouldn’t ye? As regards the whole concept of rock biopics, I personally think they are boring for the main reason musicians are boring! Can you imagine going the pictures and watching three hours worth of (say for example) The Story of Take That? Or three hours of Girls Aloud? I wouldn’t know what was the truth was and what was fiction as a lot of these pop stars have censorship orders signed into their contracts in order to protect their squeaky clean image. Now what would be a good idea is to make an un-official version following the release of the official version. Mark Owen could be a crack dealer with a serious habit of shit flavoured sherbet products and Howard (the gimp with the lisp) could have an obsession with arse-less chaps and nipple tassels!! And a twist in the tale to the Girls Aloud Story would be that Cheryl Cole ends up getting dumped by her husband as she discovers he has a habit of shoving mobile phones up his arse!! You just couldn’t write it could ye? Mol

The Brits: Come Mime With Me

As many of my readers know, I mainly have a three-pronged attack since I starting writing my Blog. The first is X Factor, the second the lovable Razorshite and the third is The Brits. This week, the latter didn’t let me down! The first thing that got to me about this year Shit Awards is that the show was basically dominated by Americans in the shape of Lady (Gentleman) Ga Ga and Jay Z. Now, don’t get me wrong here, they are both pretty good at what they do and of course as we all know, terrific entertainers. They were also pretty good on the night. But why have a British Award ceremony dominated by American Artists? You wouldn’t se the same thing happen at The Grammies would you? The Shits are supposed to be a celebration of all things to do with British music. This year was also supposed to be a bout 30 years of British music. What better way to celebrate it by letting all the headlines taken by two Americans. So, what does the British contingent of the night’s entertainment have to offer? Well, we have Robbie ‘Past It’ Williams singing his usually medley of shit and drivel while he pulls them ridiculously punch able faces into every camera he can spot and the marvellous, wait for it … Cheryl ‘Ah Love Ye’ Cole! Is it just me or does Cheryl Cole ignite the inner demon in your soul and fill you with enough rage to explode a small planet? And to make matters worse, she fucking mimed!!!!! But, wait a minute chaps, this was no ordinary miming. Cole is very clever at deceiving the public as she rather cleverly sang the first few bars of her ‘performance’, the rest, she mimed. This gives the idea that she did actually sing. Maybe she should think about renaming her best known song to ‘Mine, Mine, Mine’? Either that or just simply fuck off the face of the earth instead? I’d much prefer the latter. If she does, I’d also love it if she took her husband with her. Let’s just hope they have a good mobile phone reception where ever they go eh? Secondly we come to JLS. A few people I work with have often wondered what JLS actually stands for. Jesus Loves Sex? Justifiably Lynched Singers? Or, the main favourite: Just Lousy Singers? Anyway, JLS seem to have found a new ‘inner rock star’ after Liam Gallagher’s stunning show of madness at The Shit Awards (more on that later). Anyway, I was listening to an interview with JLS on the morning after The Shits and one of them in a rather frenzied state of over excited ness went on to say “in all the excitement, I decided to break one of the chairs, I can’t wait to see the footage of that” (they then all went on to giggle like young girls walking around Liverpool One). Well fuck me, Keith Moon will be shaking in his pit at the possibility of someone taking over from his hell raising mantle!! Who ever said rock n roll was dead should thank god for JLS that it’s not. Party on, Garth Thirdly, Peter Kay is about as funny as washing your shells in a sink full of acid Fourthly I’d just like to mention Kasabian. Kasabian are always the band who turn up at The Shits that no one else wants to be seen having their photo taken with as they’re a bit ‘rag tag and bob tail’, a bit ‘urchin-like’, a bit ‘outlandish’ (I think you get the picture). So, I have a question for the lads from the Black Country: why were you so happy to receive an award (best British Group) when The Shits is the exact establishment they have been so against in the past? Why the sudden ‘sucking up to the man’? It’s amazing how quick people can sell out as soon as someone waves a piece of metal stuck onto a piece of wood under their noses that’s guaranteed a few extra thousand sales at the tills isn’t it? I’ve personally lost a bit of respect for them after the other night. As for Tom Meighan’s impression of a flying trapeze artist, that deserved an award itself! Quality, that lad Finally we come to the main even of the evening: Liam ‘Pantomime Horse’ Gallagher!! Hahaha, I’m still laughing at it now about it to be honest. Would anyone like to take a guess at who he was actually aiming the award at? It couldn’t have been Noel as he wasn’t there (probably in bed with a cup of hot milk). Lady Ga Ga? Nah, it would have just bounced off her outfit. Robbie Williams/ Nah, it would have bounced off his ego. Roll on next year for: Liam Gallagher; Outstanding Nutcase Award presented by a certain R Willaims from Stoke and then thrown at a certain C Cole from Newcastle’s head? I really can’t wait for that! Mol

All Together Now

What’s the most important (and enjoyable) part of a song? The music? The band? The Lyrics? Nope. All wrong I’m afraid. The answer, my dear readers is the good old fashioned chorus I was walking to work the other day and decided to check out the media player facilities on my new phone. As I walked past the hoards of little wastes of sperm who attend the local school by my house I was listening to, amongst others: ‘Jessie’s Girl’ by Rick Springfield and ‘Losing Touch’ by The Killers. And, as what always happens here, I was caught ‘singing’ by a rather startled un-suspecting member of the public! Poor bastard (Good job he wasn’t trimming his back bush eh? - haha) Anyway, after subjecting several more members of the public to my god awful singing on my trek to work, I realised that the afore mentioned Killers song has one of the most outstanding choruses I’ve ever heard in years. And it got me thinking: what is the best chorus ever written? So, as I always do when I’ve fuck all else to write about, I decided to compile a bit of a list Here’s a few of my choices: Jumping Jack Flash – The Rolling Stones: “but it’s aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwlriiiiiiiiight now, in fact it’s a gaaaaasss, but it’s aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwlriiiiiiiight, I’m jumpin jack flash it’s a gas! Gas! Gas!” Great song that also contains one of the finest opening lines in any song ever written: “I was born in a cross fire hurricane” – superb stuff. This was also the turning moment when The Stones switched from mainstream pop to the more ‘darker’ side of their famed persona. Notoriety beckoned! Paradise City – Guns ‘N Roses: “take me down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty” Classic example of the all-American bravado the chaps from G’N’R portrayed in their stage shows (although, may I point out, the video for this song was filmed during their warm up act for Aerosmith). Good example of an ‘all together now’ chorus The Rat – The Walkmen. “youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu’ve got a nerve to be asking a favour/youuuuuuuuuuuuu’ve got a nerve to be calling my number” This is hardly a ‘chorus’, but it’s worth a shout due to the pure spine-tingling way the song is actually sung by the fantastic Front Man of The Walkmen: Hamilton Leithhauser. Superb bit of drumming as well. But, as great as all of the above songs really are, there is really no contest. This is obviously a personal point of view of mine here, but the finest chorus ever written has to be without a single shadow of a doubt: Highway to Hell by the Great, Monolithic AC/DC So … “Hey mamma, look at me, I’m on my way to the promise land, WOW!! … … I’M ON THE HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHWAY TO HELL!!!!!!!” Get it listened to Mol

For Pete's Sake!!!

About five years ago a band from London shot onto the music scene with all the outlaw images and iconic camaraderie Keith Richards would be proud of. That band was The Libertines. Like Blur ten years earlier they were concerned about our American cousins (The Strokes, White Stripes, Kings of Leon, The Killers, etc, etc) coming over here and ‘taking our jobs’ – if you know what I mean? The Libertines gave it a good stab and released one of the finest albums of the decade in ‘Up the Bracket’. Since then, it’s all gone a bit tits-up for the most famous Libertine of them all: the much troubled Pete Doherty I was reading a rather interesting article about Peter (as he likes to be knows as now) the other day. The man really has got nine lives Doherty is a rather colourful character that has basically got away with more convictions (22 times he’s been ‘let off’ from court appearances by the way of paying a measly fine) is hardly one to shy away from the eyes of the media and to honest here, you could say he’s a rather bad sort. So, why lately are there so many people popping up with stories about his alleged association with two recently deceased people? The evidence seems pretty circumstantial against Doherty, but somehow the finger of blame is always pointed firmly in his direction when ever anything bad happens. Known to many people in and around the London underground party scene, as ‘The Pied Piper’, Doherty is fast becoming a bad luck charm to people who hang around with him. The recent cases of Robyn Whitehead and Marc Blanco are the two examples I read about in the above mentioned article. Blanco, who bizarrely enough fell from a 1st floor window that was occupied at the time by Doherty and some of his cronies, was actually putting on a play entitled “The Accidental Death of an Anarchist”. How’s that for a twist of fate? Anyway, both of the above rather unfortunate souls died in mysterious circumstances with, it has to be said, rather tenuous links to Doherty if you ask me! But then again, as we have seen recently with the John Terry scandal = some people pursue the press for money and, it has to be said here, money. Doherty, I feel, doesn’t seek the media attention, but, because of his shenanigans, I just feel the media ‘seek him’! A marriage of convenience wouldn’t you say? Now, I know your thinking here about what could possibly be my point? Well it’s this: Peter Doherty is not a priest, he’s not a baby sitter, he’s not a premiership football player and he’s definitely without a shadow of a doubt no saint. In short, he’s no role model. What he is though is a bad arse rock star that lives his life very much on the darker side of life and if that’s how he wishes to live his life, so be it! I don’t think he’s after praise from his peers, he’s not after a knighthood and he’s certainly not after a presenter’s job on Blue Peter. He just wants to be left the fuck alone to get on with his own life no matter how debauched he may wishes it to get! As for Doherty’s interest in what made him famous in the first place: music. I feel he’s not really interested in that anymore and that his one true love, sadly, is drugs. Bit of a waste if you ask me as before he started taking the more serious drugs (Heroin, Crack, etc, etc) it has to be said: he was one of British Music’s shining lights that took on the ‘American Invasion’, sadly, as the lyrics in one of his goes: “The boy kicked out at the world, but the world kicked back” Best leave him to it if you ask me Mol

Pushing All The Wrong Buttons

Many bad things are imposed on us during our brief lives that we reluctantly have to accept. Examples such as taxes, politicians and penalty shoot outs to name just a few. Sadly the same has to be said of music. And it’s mainly down to the death of the Jukebox! Shit mix tapes played in pubs these days have replaced the choices of the consumer (drinkers) of what they want/have to listen to whilst having a pint with their mates. Even worse is the fucking god awful background music some pubs and clubs choose to have. These places sometimes make you feel like your attending a wake rather than a pub! If you don’t believe me, take a trip to The Derby Lodge or The Crofters Arms in Huyton. Take a good book while your at it as well Even worse are the places that choose to have no music what so ever! Take the rather pathetic and extremely tasteless Weather Spoon’s as an example = no atmosphere, shit clientele and utterly shit food! This, in my opinion, is the result of not having any music played. One word = soulless Now, many of my avid readers will know my much-loved ability in the fine art of ranting and some of you may well think I have a certain degree of tongue-in-cheek about my Blog’s, but I can assure you hear that I am deadly serious when it comes to music that is imposed on you. As for the reasons behind these ‘changes’, I firmly believe the main reason Jukeboxes no longer exist (in most pubs) is down to the nation’s obsession with food, the owner’s chance of making money and family-friendly environments. Now don’t get me wrong here, pubs with families in them aren’t completely bad places (apart from the scum bags who spend all day getting pissed while their six year old kids play on the fruit machines), but in most cases it does mean the sacrifice of the music for the sake of the food. That for me makes it more intolerable. If you don’t believe me, I was once told to stop swearing and being generally loud in one of the above mentioned pubs as it might upset the children … it was 9.00pm at the time. Needless to say the member of staff was (politely) told to get fucked (I think my exact words were “is this a pub or a nursery?”) and I’ve not been back their since! But there are the odd exceptions to the rule: superb places like Ye Craic, The Pilgrim, The Fullwood Arms and the legendary Swan all situated in Liverpool possess the finest jukeboxes I’ve ever had the pleasure to spend fifty pence on. I particularly love the rotating jukeboxes with the hand written labels on them that obvious contain a ‘Blag CD’. Superb stuff! Places like this are the exception to the rule and you will usually find they are independently owned by people who enjoy their music more than their profits. They also contain some rather superb characters who love their music and a more of a pleasure to sit with than most snobs and WAG’s who do drink in some of the soulless places I have mentioned above So, in honour of the good souls that choose to have juke boxes in their pub, I offer a toast … “Raise your glasses and shake your arses” Anyone got a quid? Mol

Get Ye Brits Out!

It’s Groundhog Day … Again . Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time of year again: Brit Award Nominations!! FU-KING-GREAT! There was once again another bout of silliness on behalf of the ‘judges’ for the Brit Awards when they awarded The Fat Dancer from Take That a Outstanding Achievement Award at the grand old age of … wait for it … 37!! Does this mean if he continues in music (to be successful or not) until he reaches the age of 74 he will receive a double Outstanding Achievement Award? (Let’s just hope he doesn’t make it to 111 eh?) Another thing that kind of took the jam out of my donut about this year’s nominations was the Brit’s category of ‘The Last 30 Years …’ How very self indulgent of them!! As for the 30 years of British Albums, the list baffles me so much! Most notably ‘No Angel’ by Di(L)do, ‘Diamond Life’ by Sade, ‘Rockferry’ by Duffy and ‘Brothers in Arms’ by Dire Straits. Don’t get me wrong here, but surely there has been better albums released by British Artists over the last 30 years than this shortlist wouldn’t you agree? Sounds like another example of bands that have actually won something at The Brits instead of them looking at the wider aspect so British Music! One thing I have noticed about this year’s nominations is there is no award for Best International Band. I don’t really see the point in having best international female artist, male artists, breakthrough artists, album, but not International Band? Are the Brits now ‘Anti-Band’? If so, why on earth did they go to so much trouble to ‘create’ an award for The Darkness five years ago and award Iron Maiden for best live band last year? Seems they’ve shot themselves firmly in the bollocks with that one Finally, the most talked about music issue on the planet at the moment: Susan Boyle – one in the eye for the ultimate Simon Cowell Protégée for no nomination at this year’s awards. Now, we all know she has sold more albums than any other person in the entire solar system over the last year, but I’m afraid it’s a case of tough shit in my opinion. Her lack of nominations might also have something to do with the fact that the songs she sings are not her own! If she’d focus more on writing her own songs instead of waxing her eyebrows she might walk home from the Brit Award 2011 with enough awards to pull down Simon Cowell’s kex!!! Finally, as regards SUBO (as she is rather ridiculously known as), I do have some helpful advice for her and her fans: when you make hey with the devil, expect a pitch fork in your arse at some point. Mol

Been Around The World

Before I start, I would just like to state that this Blog has nothing what so ever to do with East 17. I’d also like to wish everyone a happy new rear In case you didn’t know, I have recently been on a most fantastic holiday to Australia visiting my two wonderful sisters and their family and friends. During this epic voyage me and the missus had the rather perilous task of having to endure seven flights (four of which were long haul flights) The airline we had the pleasure of travelling with basically cater for all your needs including drink (which they nearly ran out because of my thirst), food, film, TV and of course music. During our penultimate flight (Singapore to London) I became a bit sick of watching film after film and very tired and pretty emotionally charged so I decided to have a browse through the in-flight play list. After a bout of Neil-Cannon style randomising (yes, I did go for obvious ‘Down Under’ by Men at Work) I had a listen to two songs that kind of set off ‘the water works’ First up was ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen. Now, in case you didn’t know, I take great interest in song’s lyrics, especially those songs that have a story surrounding them. Any how many members of the music press seen the song at the time as lyrical mumbo jumbo, but ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is a song about one man’s despair after accidentally killing someone and as his punishment facing execution he bares his soul to the devil for a stay of execution. Personally I think it is utterly stunning to write about such stuff (whether it be fiction or non fiction, it beats writing shit love songs doesn’t it?) The second song to get me going was ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon. Lennon always had this knack of appealing to his audience as a man with a simple message. This opinion is perfectly portrayed in the song Imagine. It is such a simplistic view of how a man of peace (and conscience) viewed a world without aggression, war, hatred and tyranny (“you may say I’m a dreamer/but I’m not the only one” – for example). I’ve often thought how all the leaders of this world would react if they were gathered together and forced to listen to this song But, all things said, there is one true fact: no matter where you go and no matter how far you travel, music will always find a way to touch you emotionally. That’s why we love it so much Either that or I just miss my sisters

Mol